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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So upset my this text message

16 replies

ScrambledEggAndToast · 28/10/2014 22:31

My partner finished with me on the 9th of October, we had been together 16 months. I genuinely thought he was one of the good guys. My son thought the world of him and was devastated. As it was literally out of the blue, my son didn't even get the chance to say goodbye. Anyway, I was just checking my son's phone as I do from time to time as he is only 11. On the 13th, my son sent an iMessage to my ex saying "please come back". This was read and completely ignored Hmm

This, on top of everything else, has made me see what a real tosser he is. He played step dad to my son for all that time, bike rides, rugby, days out etc. Now he has just turned his back on him and is treating him (and me) like something he has scraped off his shoe.

I was pissed off before but after seeing that text I just feel so sad for my son.

OP posts:
Bluestocking · 28/10/2014 22:34

Oh, your poor little son. He must feel so hurt and confused. I feel so bad for both of you. Virtual hugs to you both.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 28/10/2014 22:37

Oh, darling. I bet you feel sad for your son more than you! How long had your son known him? I still remember a friend of my single mum with affection and remember deeply missing them when they disappeared without explanation. I'm not even talking about a boyfriend of hers, just a particular girlfriend really. So it IS a big deal to your son. But just use this as reason why you should draw a line under the chapter and move on. He's proved himself unworthy, so if he ever vines crawling back just delete, ignore and (try to) move on!

NeedABumChangeNotANameChange · 28/10/2014 22:37

I think in some ways a sharp break is sometimes easier. My mum had a boyf who tried to stay my friend after they broke up and it was really confusing for me.

43percentburnt · 28/10/2014 22:38

I'm sorry he has done this to you both.

Could you organise some mum and son time this week. Maybe the cinema or a DVD and nice food. Or an all night DVD watching session. Computer games? Plan a day out for the next few weekends to keep you both occupied. Be there for one another but have a bit of fun at the same time. Make Xmas gifts for people or redecorate a room together. I find being busy distracts me. Also gives you and ds time to bond plus creates shared positive memories.

Again I am sorry he has behaved in such a thoughtless way, I hope you are both okay.

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 28/10/2014 22:38

I was actually quite tearful, the tone of it was so pleading and it was just ignored. Ex said he left because he couldn't cope with DS's behaviour yet he was the one constantly taking him out and commenting on how much he had been improving recently. My son misses him so much.

OP posts:
MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 28/10/2014 22:38

Platonic girlfriend, just to be clear. My mum isn't gay Smile

handfulofcobwebs · 29/10/2014 00:05

I'm so sorry for your DS, it's heartbreaking.

My son is 21, my STBXH was with us for 11 years and brought him up with me from the age of 8. When my H left, he never contacted my son. My son is very protective over me and spent time supporting me but he broke down completely one night and cried like a child over how much he missed his Stepdad and how he can't understand why he never even contacted him once. It broke my heart to see him sobbing.

You know what I did, I made sure I spent a lot of quality time with my son. I showed him how strong I was and how we were going to be okay, it had been the two of us before my H and everything was going to be okay now it was the two of us again.

Just over a year on, he still has little wobbles about his Stepdad but we get through it together.

I agree with the PP about spending time with just the two of you and also your extended family if you have one.

He knows you love him, he wants you to be okay and he probably thinks that by asking his Stepdad to come back, things will go back to normal.

Show him what normal is. Show him you are strong together.

Thanks for you both

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 29/10/2014 07:21

To add to the mess, my mum is re-homing her Yorkshire terrier today, DS adores that dog and is really upset. I have offered to take the day off work and do something with him but he doesn't want to Hmm

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/10/2014 07:39

If your ex said they left because of your DS's behaviour and if your DS has any inkling of this whatsoever, then he will blame himself for the man leaving and also the upset caused. He probably does miss him and he will certainly feel rejected, but I think there will also be a lot of guilty feelings. You must do your level best to reassure your DS that this is not his fault & the ex did not leave because of his behaviour.

handfulofcobwebs · 29/10/2014 08:08

I genuinely thought he was one of the good guys

Ex said he left because he couldn't cope with DS's behaviour

I think you know he's not one of the good guys sadly. He's a shit to blame your son.

AYellowCreation · 29/10/2014 08:16

My XDP did something similar after 8 years - they're just cowards.

Give your love and attention to your son not that tosser

Blu · 29/10/2014 08:18

So what will your DS Be doing while you are at work?

I think I would just make plans and say 'this is what we are doing' . An 11 yo is likely to say they don't want to do anything but that doesn't mean they don 't! They need rescuing from themselves.

SageSeymour · 29/10/2014 09:30

Sorry to hear your son is upset - i felt upset reading the message he sent!

However you were only together 16 months and maybe he shouldn't have been a ' step dad ' to your son for ' all that time ' ... Next time try and leave the kids out of it for as long as is possible , I'd recommend a year and then slow introductions etc. that way you avoid situations where your son is now left without what he views as a father

Original poster
ScrambledEggAndToast · 29/10/2014 12:40

He definitely became too involved too soon. We were friends for about a year before hand and ds knew him but even so I should have left it. If I meet someone new they won't meeting DS for a long time. I offered to take the day off work but DS wanted to go to his mate's as arranged. I am going to take him out for tea instead as a treat.

OP posts:
Hissy · 29/10/2014 16:55

Hold on. this is the guy that dumped you because of your son? he is a total tool and utterly vile.

I'm sorry, but he's shown you (and your DS) who he is, why would you expect him to be any different? is your DS better at school etc?

you have to focus on this boy now and make sure he pulls this all around, he is hurting about all kinds of things and it needs to be YOU that is the one constant in his life.

this stuff is hard, I know, but it's crunch time.

PrivateJourney · 29/10/2014 17:22

I think, with regard to the text, your ex did the right thing. What else could he have done, replied and led DS to believe he might come back, entered into a discussion as to why he couldn't come back? Ignoring it was harsh but I can't see a better way he could have dealt with it.

Sounds like you're both better off without him and a clean break will be the "easiest" for DS in the long run.

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