Abusive to me and Kids I'm leaving but scared.

[Tallulaxx]

its very hard for me to write this and i'm fully aware of what a stupid weak woman I am.

I met H when my eldest was 6 months old, from about week 3 I started to notice he was very controlling. Nearly 10 years on I'm sat here writing this having decided enough is enough and I'm leaving.

To cut a long story short he is emothionally,physically and verbally abusive and I've allowed this to go one. He hits, humilates and screams at my eldest, my youngest who is 3 is shouting, throwing things and hitting as she is picking up on this. My eldest has no self esteem has issue with eating she is 9. I believe this is all down to me enabling this. H has called her stupid, dickhead, bitch, retarded because she has forgotten to do something or done something wrong. I always apologise to her for his behaviour why am I doing that? We are constantly on egg shells not knowing what mood he is in. He calls me names and puts me down he twlls his own mum to fuck off s that tells me he hates women. Why have I let this continue?

I moved to London leaving my friends and family behind and I;m going back to where I come from It will mean a new school for my eldest which was one reason i have stayed I've moved schools twice already.

Please help me I know I've done wrong I just want to jump of a bridge at the moment.

It's not you that's done wrong.

Well done for recognising that his behaviour is unacceptable: your children will benefit from that knowledge too.

Are Women's Aid helping you? Do call them if you haven't already. And take care: leaving can be a dangerous time. Log out of things, clear cache/history/cookies often, and use Incognito mode when making plans.

Good luck

i fear I've already damaged them. WHY DO i feel in denial? I've got to do this without him knowing.

So bloody bad nobody wants to talk to me :(

You haven't damaged them, he has. Please repeat the follow sentence to yourself as many times a day as you can: it's not me, it's him.

It is him. He is abusive and you have been dragged down by his abuse.

Well done on seeing it, and making the decision that enough is enough (more than enough).

Now rush back to your old neighbourhood and grab as much support in rl as you find, old friends, family, old colleagues, whoever. Ring Women's Aid, ring the police DV Unit on 101, NSPCC, every agency or organisation you can find. Don't forget to find a Shit Hot Lawyer too (WA can probably help you there).

The more you tell people the more clear it will be that you are doing the right thing.

Are you safe right now? Will he become violent if he thinks you've finally had enough? This is often the case, so play your cards very very close to your chest. Try to behave as normally as you can until you're out of there.

First thing is phone Women's Aid and talk to them about a safe exit plan.

Good luck.

Am dealing with poorly baby.

Have you rung Women's Aid?

You feel worthless because that's what he told you you were. You're not the one who can't manage a toddler without violence. When you get awayffrom the poisonous bullshit he tells you, you'll see you aren't what he says you are.

Seriously, though, WA. And maybe the Samaritans in the meantime?

I'm going offline not because you're what he says you are, but because my baby needs me. Take care.

You are absolutely not a stupid weak woman; you are making a stand and that takes immense courage. Keep going...

You are strong to have put up with such abuse for so long. Now use that strength to start a new happy life for you and the kids.

Take care, hide your tracks. Call women's aid to get advice.

Good luck xxx

He has hurt your child and you are going to take her away from the abuse. She will be eternally grateful that you did this. You are being very brave . do you have an escape plan?

You are not stupid love, you are a victim of abuse, your babies too. now that you know what situation you are in, you need to do something about it.

As daunting as it is to consider, let me reassure you that once you have taken that first step, making the second is easier and the third easier still.

it's easier if you can do this with support and help. do you have anyone in RL that can help you? if not we are here and WA can help you.

I spent 10 years with a man like yours. I got out at age 42. I don't regret it, not for a second. I had no family to help me, plenty to throw spanners in the works though, plenty that wanted to see me suffer with this horrid man. I know what they are and what they did and a part of me will never forgive them. they don't deserve it.

the only people who gave a shit were the very few friends I had and mumsnet.

it was the single most terrifying thing i thought i had to do, but actually it was the fear of the unknown that was the greatest part of it all.

within days I felt an improvement in myself, i saw my son relax in about a week, and then the days after that he started to blossom.

you will be shocked at how much things will improve without that poison in your live, and how fast.

What kind of plan do you have? we can help you plan and formulate what you need to do,what needs taking hiding etc.

please be very kind to yourself, you have suffered enough and you have to stay strong for your babies, soon enough they will start to be stronger themselves and you will in turn gain strength from this.

this is not the end, this is the beginning of the next step in your journey. the journey you are about to start is back toward the future and toward hope. you are going to leave the abuse and the abuser behind.

we can help you, please let us knowwhat you need?

You are not stupid or weak. Leaving is scary. Staying is scarier.

Do you have family or friends that can support you?

As long as you leave your children will be fine.

So often we find ourselves in situations we never thought we'd be in...

Don't berate yourself for the past - run, fast, to your future.

Stay strong. It isn't going to be easy, but you are doing the absolute right thing.

Do you have a support system back home? Somewhere you can stay? If so, just wait until he has left for work, gather a few things, some money, and go. There is nothing in the house more important than your children and yourself.

What do you mean nobody wants to talk to you? Do you mean you have no one in RL in whom you can confide? There are people here who will support you. WA will advise you.

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone as long as you keep posting here.

Make your plan, cover your tracks and run when you can. Get your children away from that horrible little man. Get your children and yourself into counseling, you will need it to help rid yourself from the brain washing of 10 yrs.

Holding your hand, you can do this and move on to a happier life.

You can do this Tallu. So many of us here have been in the same position and we all got through it. It is hard, but 100% worth it to have happy children.

You're not alone. As you can see, lots of us have been there, have come through and are winning!
Making the decision to leave is only the first step, don't feel like MNers don't support you, we do. Even the ones 'lurking' who haven't posted, we're all 'on your side'.
This guy has been grooming you for 10 years, it'll take a while to feel yourself again. When you do, you'll stop blaming yourself as you'll know, you've done NOTHING wrong. You trusted him, he's the one who has abused your trust and love.
As PP have said, keep your plan to yourself and only trusted real friends, this is a dangerous time for you and your children, if he realises he's lost control of you, he may become even more domineering.
You CAN do this. It's worth it. In a few months time, you'll be amazed how happy you are not constantly worrying over his moods.

It was a mistake to stay with him for 10 years, you're right. But there's no point berating yourself over the past and it's not to late to correct the mistake. Your older DC is going to need a lot of help to recover from the damage he's done but she will thank you ultimately for getting her away from the abuse. Well done making the right decision and please stay safe. Do you have RL help to make it happen?

Is it half term where you are? Does he work? If so can you use this time to plan your escape?