Keep trying or call it a day?

[MiseryBusiness]

I really need some advice. I don't know if I am being unreasonable or not.
My husband and I have been married 6 years we have 2 DDs.
He isn't a great communicator. He used to be much better but the last few years has gotten worse.
He is the nicest person. Would do anything for anyone type. His job means he is away for long periods which used to be awful but nowadays it doesn't really bother me.
I've tried to ask him to open up to me, support me when I need it etc but I get nothing.
If I start a conversation that isn't just general chit chat he totally shuts down. He just stares into space not answering my questions until I change the subject. He is no support to me emotionally. I don't feel like we have a connection anymore.
We still get along and talk about the DCs and our days etc but that's it. I would never go to him for anything meaningful as his silence makes me feel worse.
I've tried telling him how I feel over the years and he says he'll try harder but nothing ever changes.
I told him 2 weeks ago that I really wanted to sort this out as it's affecting our sex life and really just getting me down. He said he didn't want me to be miserable and his intention is never to hurt me but he finds it hard to talk about his feelings but he resolved to try harder.
Nothing has changed. I still just get short answers and nothing except chit chat.
There have been a few issues with his family recently and I've found out about it by talking to his Mum. When I asked why he hadn't told me he just said, there was nothing to tell. That's just not true and pretty much sums him up.
I've had some a pretty bad 12 months with losing a baby and deaths in my family, looking back on these times he didn't talk to me at all.
I don't know if I should just accept that this is his way? I keep considering leaving him but I don't know if I'm overreacting.
I really need some perspective.

If you made it this far, thank you.

Life is too short to be unhappy.

What do you get out of the relationship?

Good point.
He is a brilliant Dad. I think he loves me in his own way.
When we are just going through every day life with just general chit chat, we do get along well.

But really, I don't know what I get from the relationship anymore.

Compare these two bleak futures:

You stay together, nothing in particular goes wrong, you plod through your lives without communication.

You split. You never meet another man. You live alone for the rest of your life.

Imagine this scenario:

You and he stay together. Five years from now he meets a woman he falls in love with.

How do you feel about each of the above? I'm not expecting you to answer here, they are just thoughts.

Another thought - normally, I think couples counselling is a load of tat, but I'm really in favour of individual counselling. You've lost a baby. Has he had counselling? Have you?

And my worst-case thought - is he failing to connect with you because he's emotionally invested elsewhere?

Scenario A is my future. Pretty bleak, isn't it?

I don't think he could have found someone else, he only works with men and when he isn't at work he is home.

If he did find someone that would have regular sex with him i'm certain he would leave.

Neither of us have had counselling. I lost the baby over a year ago now, I'm mostly ok now but at the time I was seriously ill - borderline suicidal and he didn't seem to care much. Actually, I think it was a relief for him. He didn't think we could afford another.

I'm in a strangely similar situation op. I list a baby 18 months ago. My dp wouldn't take the day off when we was told. He even worked the night before I went into hospital for surgery, leaving me with 3 dc, including a dc with SN. On the day of the op he didn't come to the hospital. I had to sit waiting for him as they wouldn't discharge me until he arrived. I wasn't physically cable to walk out.

I realised my dp has never supported me in anything. He's quiet, works, doesn't drink etc but he's never supportive.

We don't even do day to day chatting. He's not a good day so at least you have those 2 positives.
Would you both attend counselling? Would you want to do something like that?

Excuse typos!

Sounds scarily like my DH.

Maybe I should suggest counselling. It's a huge responsibility to walk away from a marriage. In some way I think he may be the lesser of two evils if that makes sense?

I used to think that op but over the summer i started to think about it always being as it is now & i realised that filled me with dread.

We had a long summer break & if im honest, it was pretty awful. I didn't like alot of what dp said & did. If i mention anything he sulks.

Only you can tell if your so unhappy that the alternative seems better/worse!

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time too Levismum.

I'm happier when he is working away. I like having someone to talk to about the DCs on the weekend but that's about it.

I just feel like I'm looking down the barrel of years of silence. If I tell him we need to talk and I'd like him to respond he'll act like a child a pull a face and huff. I just think, I'm trying to save our marriage here and I am met with a huff!? What the fuck is the actual point!?

I don't know. The kids are young and adore him. It's so hard but this life we've created is making me miserable. I love going to work as it's time not spent in our house.

Our youngest is 9 months. I can't even talk to anyone in RL as the alternative for me is pretty bleak.

I don't know how you can force someone to participate in a relationship but ultimately if your unhappy but he isn't, he won't change...will he?

Are you sure you have no one you can talk to? As your DH is not supporting you you need to have someone to turn to.

I guess you can't force anyone to participate in a relationship.

Absolutely nobody. My best friend of 20 odd years is having a midlife crisis. The last time we spoke was in May. I have few friends. My youngest ds is being assessed for ASD. I took him by myself. Dp wouldn't take the day off. I desperately needed to talk to someone/anyone afterwards...I realised I had no one. The friends I've made via school are very superficial. They are more convenient then anything else.

I don't need anyone now. I used to but I've become very strong as i knew I needed to be.

I hope you have RL support, it helps!

This is stonewalling, isn't it? Believe me, this is the most soul destroying thing in a relationship. My situation is too raw to discuss but my advice would be that if you can't sort it, end the marriage

If he won't talk to you about things that are important to you then he does not respect you in a pretty fundamental way. Can you really say that you respect yourself if you choose to share your life with a person who does not respect you?

So either this changes, or you get out.

I've personally found couples counselling helpful, as a safe place to talk about difficult things with a neutral third party present.

I lost the baby over a year ago now, I'm mostly ok now but at the time I was seriously ill - borderline suicidal and he didn't seem to care much. Actually, I think it was a relief for him. He didn't think we could afford another

I'm very sorry.

and levismum, too

For me, this would mean the end of the marriage. Thinking I was living with a man who was relieved at the loss of my/our child would be intolerable.

This is my own experience: I was in a passionless marriage with a 'nice' man, he is a 'good dad' and great with a household chores but...every evening together was a deathly chore, holidays were joyless and I started to feel dead inside, rare nights out together were a strain, they only worked when other people came along.
I couldn't face the next twenty or thirty years like that so I ended the marriage, we split a year ago, this past year has been devilishly hard and a real strain at times but things are looking up and I feel as though me and my two under fives are stepping out of the darkness.
Despite how hard it's been there has not been even a millisecond where I regret ending the marriage. Life is truly too short. I don't anticipate being single forever but I am at peace with whatever comes, I am excited about our future.

Thank you everyone.

I think the little moments in the week when he makes me laugh and we get along make me think it's worth staying but I can't live each day hoping to start a conversation he invests in and participates as I know if it was anything that meant something to me he wouldn't.

Time for a change I guess. I might suggest couples counselling and see what kind of a reaction I get.

Thanks again, it's been a great help.