How did or do you know if a relationship is 'worth' it?

[Levismum]

Things are awful with dp. Have been for ages. 4 dc & 15 years so lots of history. He doesn't want us to split up. I can't see things ever changing.

How did you know your relationship was over? Can 15 years trump almost any relationship difficulties?

I'm very confused. I'm totally exhausted thinking about this so all advice appreciated !

Would you want your children to be in a relationship like yours is now?

I don't know what your circumstances are, but if you are not happy, then that has to be addressed if it can. Either within your partner or by leaving the marriage.

If I ever need a barometer to gauge any future relationships, all I'll need to ask is 'would I wish how I feel with this man on my DC?' If the answer is 'Hell no!' for your children, then it should be the same for you.

Rest if you can and try not to thing about it. The truth will drift into your mind after a day or two.

That works for me.

I also use the 'Would you want this for your children?' question. I used it when teaching too, with high school pupils who were kicking off. Usually, they would say "No! I want my kids to be good in school and get their education!"

No i wouldn't want this relationship for my dc.

My circumstances were very different when i met dp & it seriously affected my judgement.

I feel so stupid. I've wasted the best years of my life with him. It really is hitting me hard.

I'm seeing him in a very different light. It's very hard as it's as if the dp I knew, never really existed, I just seen what I wanted to...iyswim.

I just need to feel I exhausted all avenues before finally calling it a day.

What are the problems OP? Are they too difficult to overcome with therapy?

He won't talk to me, if i try to talk about anything no matter how important, he barely responds.
He doesn't support me in any way at all. He's selfish. He's lazy... I'm answering my own questions here- im thinking what's good about dp...nothing. I don't even like him!

I've tried to talk to him again tonight. I just end up angry. It's so frustrating!!!
I can't get him to acknowledge why I'm upset, am I being stupid? How do i move on from this?

I've been reading about stonewalling... At least I have a name to describe my situation now. I need to put the anger & frustration in a place as it's affecting me in day to day life.

It's so hard at the moment. I wish this would all go away & i could get on with everything like I normally do...

You can't make someone listen if they don't want to listen. You can't make someone care if they don't care. In short, you have a very limited influence over someone else's behaviour unless you are in a position to make their life unpleasant if they don't comply. Which you don't appear to have. The anger and frustration comes from impotence.

One definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different outcome....

So the only thing you can do is respond differently. Wishing it would all go away is a non-starter and repeating what you've already tried is a waste of time. Rather than getting angry you can either ignore the behaviour completely and let it wash over you (very difficult and does nothing for your self-respect) or reject it entirely and 'LTB' (difficult in a different way). So no easy choices but life will only start getting easier once you plump for something.

Absolutely. I have a very heavy heart this morning. We had a typical talk last night. Except when he said he'd leave , I replied, that it was a good idea. He's just come into some money 25-27 k, so he has the means to get somewhere to stay.

I know i can't go back as I now see the situation for what it is. I've sold my sole literally be putting up with stuff.

I know this bit will be painful. I'm scared. I have no one in RL. Long story but I'm very much on my own. In this city, my only family member is 70 with dementia. I'm also worried about money. So considering everything it's an incredibly difficult decision to make...

It's not a decision anymore, I cant be with him. There isn't one positive in our relationship. I have to show my 13 year old dd that this isn't normal. The boys really struggle with their dad for various reasons & the baby is just a baby.

Thanks for the reply. It helps.

You are being brave and very sensible. Its going to be difficult for a while, but there's a new life at the end of that scarey tunnel.

Keep posting - the good people of MN will help you every step of the way.

Without wishing to sound trite - the right decision is often not the easy one. It is daunting to go it alone and it will take a lot of resourcefulness on your part to make it happen. All I would say, having had my back against the wall in the past, is that you do not know what you are capable of doing until you have to do it. You may be on your own initially but you'll be motivated to carve out that better life, make new friends, get the money etc. Without this man round your neck dragging you down and monopolising your time, you may find it easier than you think.