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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

finding dreadful secrets.

24 replies

caringdenise009 · 28/10/2014 18:00

I've been in a relationship for over a decade,we don't live together and see each other once a week and at weekends. We live quite seperaye lives for a couple of such long standing and I am insecure and quite suspicious by nature. Once before i found him registered on sexintheuk. He said it was just looking, an old account from before he knew me. I let him off,told him to delete it and said no more porn. I understand that's impossible but I meant nothing you join, there's so much out there why do you need to?

That was 4 years ago. This weekend he flounced off after a silly very small row. He left an email account open and I looked through it(all the way back 4 years!). He has subscribed to porn sites and one in particular distresses me. He also apparently went through a long period of impotence as he was buying generic Viagra for several years.

I can understand him not wanting to discuss the impotence, though I think he should have done whether he liked it or not as its an issue which affected us both and I noticed the never ending ness of it at the time. The porn sites have left me feeling very hurt and cheapened. I warned him that if I caught him again that would be the end and he would never see me again. That's how I feel now. Is it unreasonable of me to feel like this,especially about the impotence? I thought we had a great relationship, great sex after all these years together and now it just seems to have dissolved into lies. Am I making it all about me instead of focussing on his pain?(tough if I am,quite frankly).
L

OP posts:
Dowser · 28/10/2014 18:04

So sorry to hear that.

Sadly it may only be the tip of the ice berg. Can you do some more digging.

Dowser · 28/10/2014 18:06

I say this as my ex was up to and into all sorts.

Viagra. Swapping sites. Prostitutes.

He must have had his willy in just about every pie!

RayaCarmen · 28/10/2014 18:07

After a decade you only see each other once a week?

Is there a reason you both haven't taken the next step?

Re the porn issue only you know if you can move on from it and there still be truth there.

caringdenise009 · 28/10/2014 18:17

Dowser I agree about the tip of the iceberg, but the only digging I would do now is to ask him. Unfortunately I know him well enough to know that any answer will be damage limitation, I can't trust him to tell the truth. I'm not digging partly because it is all sooooooooo sordid. I am not a prude, really it comes down to a betrayal of trust. Again. And as George Bush said, fool me once,or something. Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
caringdenise009 · 28/10/2014 18:22

RayaCarmen are you a very good therapistGrin we haven't taken it further because he has done things which make me not trust him, such as buying a flat with his ex gf for her to live in. I have a child to protect from rows and upheaval. You seem to have cut straight to the heart of the matter.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 28/10/2014 19:21

I ink this relationship is dead, isn't it?

Anniegetyourgun · 28/10/2014 19:31

Is it unreasonable of me to feel like this

If you don't want to be with a guy who does stuff like that, you don't have to. There is no external court that needs to be persuaded of the rightness of your case. The only thing you need to know is that he has crossed a line that you, personally, consider important. Even if you were the only person on the planet who was upset by it - which you definitely aren't - it would be your absolute right to say "Enough".

caringdenise009 · 28/10/2014 19:59

Erich I hope it is. We have argued before and I've decided that its over but I weaken as soon as I see him. He's not been in touch since he flounced off and I won't be getting in touch with him. I am furious and very very distressed and hurt and I want at least two weeks before I see him so that my feelings have settled andi can just tell him there's no hope and no point even arguing or explaining because it just doesn't concern me anymore.

I just wish I could get it out of my headin the meantime. I've been playing only lively music( no country and western) and trying to think about all the things I will now be able to do,and its a long list of lovely things.
Y

OP posts:
caringdenise009 · 28/10/2014 20:07

He has a habit of coming round and letting himself in when he has a "need" to talk, in the face of requests to stay away or me not answering to his knock. Change of locks tomorrow I think.

Your replies have been very helpful,thank you all.

OP posts:
PoppyField · 28/10/2014 20:09

Hi OP, How about not bothering with the two weeks for cooling off and go for 'never' instead. Just don't contact him again, let him flounce forever off into the sunset. Job done!

Sounds like you know who he is... you have had some protective mechanism that has done its job and not let you get any deeper with this man - congratulate yourself on that and move the fuck on. You're totally right to listen to your instincts and go 'NO! Absolutely not on!'. You really don't need this guy.

LadyLuck10 · 28/10/2014 20:31

Op do you realize that you have let 10 years of your life just go by with this man and nothing to show for it with him?Ten whole years. Of your life.
I think you need to decide if he is worth a day more.

caringdenise009 · 28/10/2014 20:47

Its been 15 years :(

OP posts:
caringdenise009 · 28/10/2014 20:48

Oh well my crappy choice no one was pointing a gun at me.

OP posts:
KillDeathMaimTronic · 28/10/2014 20:59

Aw blimey LadyLuck that's a bit harsh.

OP it's not a crappy choice to have trusted someone, and you know yourself, you know your boundaries, you've kept your own house and now you know what he's really like you'll be free of him. That's a win!

LadyLuck10 · 28/10/2014 21:04

Sorry op for being harsh. It's just that you found he broke your trust 4 years ago. You don't love together. It doesn't seem much of a relationship. I put it in terms of 10 years, because that time is just so valuable.

caringdenise009 · 28/10/2014 21:06

I don't think ladyluck was being harsh, but the time has been spent bringing up my son alone,he will be going to university to read economics next year. The boyf was a kind of extra just the one night a week and sat\sun. Mostly we just got on with our stuff, holidays abroad,activities etc. He was very generous and great with my son, just has this dark side which I find unacceptable because I don't like being lied to.

OP posts:
caringdenise009 · 28/10/2014 21:07

So the above was meant to say I m not all Miss Haversham,life didn't stop for me.

OP posts:
Dowser · 28/10/2014 23:55

Good, but now take your son out of the mix and there's not a lot left is there.

I think you know the answer.

caringdenise009 · 29/10/2014 09:46

I texted him what I'd found out this morning, and he has just gone silent on me. I called him some bad names and said I need a couple of weeks space then he can get his stuff and there's a bit of money to sort out but that seems to be that. I feel absolutely ripped to bits but reading other posters whose relationships are at this stage I realise I am in a very fortunate position. Thanks poppy for what you said, I have been patting myself on the back that it can end so relatively easily.

OP posts:
DialsMavis · 29/10/2014 10:22

Was the porn site illegal/abusive?

BitOutOfPractice · 29/10/2014 11:00

oh caring I'm sure you do feel ripped apart. But I think you must have known deep down that this was not going anywhere didn't you?

caringdenise009 · 29/10/2014 13:52

Not abusive porn at all, just women playing with themselves .as its subscription sites I don't know if there's any interaction with real people. I do feel terrible and I want things to be OK but now I'm thinking about it sex had got really odd and there was always a good ten or twenty minutes at the end i could've gone without, just kind of banging away, not really gettinganywhere and it made sexinto a bit of an ordeal TBH. Recently foreplay was literally a one second touch of my nethers.I said at the time what the hell is that it. Just weird. I guess I am now feeling grief, I love him very much and thought this was it. I will miss him, this shitty behaviour apart, he is a lovely funny caring man.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 29/10/2014 14:30

You are doing the right thing, for you, he probably has erectile problems because of the porn usage, totally unrealistic and nothing to do with real life.....you also can't trust him.

On top of all that, he has given you nothing in 15 years, no commitment, no plans for the future, nada, please got it alone, find someone who wants to plan a future with you but also is more interested in having sex with a real person rather than more than likely poor women trapped in the porn industry.

gillyflowerdumbass · 29/10/2014 22:09

Am new on here but just wanted to share this and this thread seemed appropriate. My new Bf (known him for 30 years as a friend) left two weeks ago. He is divorced now but has a long term relationship in the marriage of 19 years with another woman. Who left him 12 months ago. They had an unconventional sex life to use his expression. In that they were into dogging and swinging. She was "shagging about" as he put it so he have her a safe environment... Am not sure how he can equate that with safe but ... When she finally left him he told his wife everything. Needless to say she wanted a divorce. I met him in December and we started a relationship on march. He did tell me some of the above.. When the gf left him he sent emails to all her work colleagues containing a video of her with lots of other men. He stalked and harassed her and was taken in by the police after she reported him.
We seemed to be getting on just fine and went on holiday together. But two weeks ago he changed. He became secretive, he was downstairs till 3 or 4 in the morning " working ". ... I found a video on his ipas that he denied seeing or opening - it was left open on a tab - it was explicit and pure filth... And am nor sure that it was not the ex in it... I lost the plot and he is now history. I miss him very much , but can't see he was ever going to change...

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