How do I trust dp? Is this relationship ending stuff?

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Mn please help. Need your wisdom as I'm not sure I can think rationally as I'm upset. (have nc for this, but am regular, promise. Penis beaker, cutted up pear, pom bears anyone blahdeblah)

This morning I looked at dp's phone and he had snap chat on there. One of his contacts was a woman he works with who I do not like. She is always a right bitchy cow to me when dp isn't there, but when he is there she ignores me and fawns over him overtly. It's so disrespectful and makes me feel like shit. Once she pressed herself right up against him for a photo too, and her husband went mad. Anyway. Dp doesn't want to give her credence so he won't say anything to her, he says he just ignores her. And he's her boss so he has to be professional.

When I asked why he had snapchat, he denied it. I said I saw it on his phone and he denied her and him sent each other snap chats. Then I said I saw his score so he's obviously sent or received something and he said she used to send him pics of her food a year or so ago. So I am expected to believe this as I have no proof otherwise. (I was looking at his phone for a legit reason btw, wanted to get the same app he had for something, I wasn't being sneaky).

However, when I asked him about this, something about how he replied didn't sit well with me. I'm afraid I thought he was acting guilty. Especially as he started arguing with me saying I never make him feel attractive and we don't have sex enough. (Had a baby 5 months ago, studying, working, breastfeeding, am knackered! it isn't a priority tbh, also I was very traumatised and too scared to for ages after the birth).

Why would he say I don't make him feel attractive or have sex enough if he said he didn't do anything? He was shouting loads too, going way OTT.

So I came home and snooped. His passwords weren't hard to guess. I saw some fb private messages he archived. One was him messaging a girl he met on a night out but she didn't reply. He said he met her in x pub and he was facebook stalking her ass and he hopes she didn't think he was a creep.

Then I saw another convo with him and another girl. In it, again they were talking about being on a night out together with other people. (i've never heard of her) and the convo alluded to sexting between them. Again he tried to flirt with her in this convo but she shot him down. But the sexting? I asked dp and he said he doesn't know what that comment is about. (oh come on). He said I don't make him feel attractive cos I don't sleep with him enough and he flirted with her but nothing else. He said he hooked up with her years ago before we met. But not since we've been together. Though the message was since we've been together.

There was another convo with a woman who is well known to have had an affair with a well known person in public eye. No sexting that I could see, but they did have a candid convo about what they like sex wise, and he said I wasn't adventurous enough for him :-(

He says he hasn't cheated. And tbh he doesn't have time to cheat at the moment anyway. He works, he comes home. He has the odd night out but not often.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Is this relationship ending stuff? Could he be capable of cheating if he's doing this? I mean, he's lied, omitted truth, trying to blame me for it! Should I have been paying him more attention or being more adventurous in bed? Where do we go from here? What should I do? I feel like I'm too upset to be rational or logical and I want someone to tell me what I should do.

He's due home from work in an hour. I currently have his phone. There's no dodgy texts but he could have deleted them I suppose. (I asked for it and he gave me it when I saw the fb messages).

Thanks

If you honestly think this is your fault for not paying him enough attention then you are seriously deluded or at least need some counselling with self worth, it has nothing to do with that, you had a baby 5 months ago as well!

Sorry but he is a serial sleaze ball of the highest order - he's trying like mad to get someone to have/do something with him - I wouldn't trust him an inch OP, he's probably been at it for years, he has no respect for you or the relationship with you, in fact, there is no relationship, he's far more interested in pursuing other women, in fact women who don't even want him, he is vile.

You know what you have to do.

I wouldn't be able to feel secure in this relationship if this was me.

I'm sorry to say but the impression I get is that you aren't enough for him.

I think that if he hasn't done anything yet, in the future he probably will.

Obviously I'm not psychic and I hope I'm wrong.

Good luck with your studies and new baby

So do you think there is more conversations that he has successfully deleted? He accidentally archived these ones, hence I found them.

He says I'm not perfect in the relationship - he says he feels like I don't let him go out when he wants to (Well duh, I want him to spend time with us at home, and he does go out sometimes, I think he just wants to go out more).

My friend has told me about software that recovers deleted texts. I don't want to have to use it. If I use it and find something, I'll be sick.

I don't want to be on my own with two kids. I moved from home to england to be with him. I have no friends or family here. I don't want to uproot my oldest to move again.

Is there any way this is salvageable? I don't want to lose self respect but I don't want to throw this away if it's not absolutely necessary.

He lied until you presented him with your knowledge and then he came up with some pathetic excuse and started blaming you.

If he hasn't yet cheated then it is only through being knocked back. I think he would cheat given the chance.

He is already passing the blame for his behaviour over to being your fault.

You say he only has the odd night out. It sounds like he is like a dog on heat after women on everyone of those nights.

I actually think you should have a complete STI test. Just in case.

It very much is relationship ending stuff. He is being completely disrespectful, blaming you and down right lying at times.

If you are going to stay with a man looking to cheat or mess around with other women then condoms all the way.

You - Not perfect in the relationship because you don't give him enough sex or go out often enough "your fault"

Him - Sexting other women, at least. "your fault"

It seems it's all your fault :S

I understand you want to know. You may never really know how far he's gone, but is the current state of your relationship what you truly want? 

If not, but you want to stay with him, apparently the only way to stop him is for you to give him more sex, do what he wants when he wants it...

Your don't have a relationship problem, your "P" is the problem. He doesn't get his way and he'll emotionally cheat on you, and that's always going to be "your fault".

How much is too much?

magoria is right i'm afraid. From what you have said it seems as though he will cheat if he hasn't already. However, it sounds as if ending the relationship will be devastating to you because of how much it will impact on yourself and your children. It is an unenviable decision you have to make. You might go crazy if you wait and see whether he will be faithful or make the big plunge. Just remember that he is an adult and his behaviour is not your fault so please whatever your decision don't lose respect for yourself

I was hoping you'd tell me I was paranoid.

Re: the sti check, I had one recently anyway, pre coil assessment thingy. And had hiv test when got pregnant as is usual.

He's home now but I'm going out until the kids are in bed. I can't face him when they're awake, I do not want them to witness anything.

I did what you're not supposed to do too. I just messaged the girl who he chatted with alluding to sexting. She said nothing happened and she appreciates it was hard for me to message her. (I was v polite). I don't know if that actually means anything. Does it?

I'm so clueless aren't I.

For some people - and my ex was one, so I have been where you are - the committed love of one person will never be enough. They need a "harem" around them so they can draw validation and ego-boosting flattery from whoever is available at any given time.

Your dp is telling you this even as he tries to blame you: you don't "make him feel attractive", therefore he feels justified in seeking that validation elsewhere. A whole, healthy person would feel secure in their own attractiveness even if life circumstances have shifted "couple time" down the list of priorities.

And even if you available for fawning, flattering duty 24/7, it still wouldn't be enough for this type of person; he'd flirt, sext and whatever else to prove to himself he could still "get it".

I'm afraid my only adviceis to get rid. You and your baby are worth far more than this. Your stress levels will decrease exponentially once you're free of this soul-destroying dynamic of flinching whenever his phone/computer/whatever goes, wondering if is really is who he says it is.

You make very good points. I'm trying to remember them for when i speak to him later.

I love him, but I'm so hurt. Why would he do this? I don't know how I'm going to manage on my own if it comes to that.

He's such a prick.

All the best - I hope it all works out for you and the children somehow whatever you decide

Don't stay with him because you are scared to go it alone, you will be fine, look at what he has got you doing, I mean how bad does it have to be - if you stay it will just be a matter of time before you discover something else, god knows what else there has been going on that you don't even know about.

Please be strong, think of yourself and your children, this is your chance for a much happier life with a man who has no desire to seek out other women.