Conflicted & Confused

[mentaldental22]

I'm almost divorced from my stbxh and have a new man in my life. The new man ticks almost every box, he's kind, considerate, thoughtful & loving. Really he's everything I ever wanted a partner to be esp after being treated pretty badly by my stbxh. I'm moseying along in this new relationship, we see eachother regularly and I know he is far more into me than I'm into him. He's talked of marriage & living together and he's convinced I'm the love of his life. I love him too but I seriously doubt that I could ever marry or live with him. I enjoy being with him but I genuinely don't think there's a long term future.

The reason for this is my stbxh. He was the love of my life, what I thought was my soulmate & best friend. We were childhood sweethearts & I never ever imagined us breaking up. He has moved on and has had two (considerably younger) girlfriends since he left 18 months ago. I love & hate him in equal measure but god I miss him. Every single day I have a little weep over our lost relationship and still fantasise about him one day coming to his senses and wanting to come back to me.

When I'm with the new man I still think of my ex & I wonder why he simply couldn't have loved me the way this man does.
Will these feelings for my stbxh fade with the passage of time or am I being unfair to the new man by letting him love me the way he does & knowing I'll never quite feel the same in return?

Yes to both questions. The feelings for your ex will fade in time and it is unfair to string your current boyfriend along knowing your heart isn't in it.

Do you think you're holding back out of fear that history will repeat itself, and you'll be left again?

How long after your stbxh left you did you meet the new man? Do you ever talk to your new man about your relationship with your stbxh?

Maybe this new relationship is too soon, maybe you need to grieve a bit more for your lost relationship before you can leave it behind you, but if you are lucky your new man will be able to help with this process. If you talk to him about your feelings and he decides that he doesn't want to be involved then at least you have allowed him to choose his level of involvement, rather than making that decision for him.

I've been with the new man around 5 months, the relationship began about 2 months after my final attempt at reconciliation with my stbxh.

The new man is very aware of my previous relationship, he has suspicions that I may have feelings for my stbxh which is a fair assumption. In fairness to him, he has put the brakes on his own feelings about marriage & living together because of this. He really couldn't be any more understanding. It's me who's the problem, I live in hope that my feelings for the new man will somehow overtake my grief of losing my marriage.

Thanks for your input knittingdad, it's been really useful.

Five months is far too short a time to be even thinking about marriage or moving in etc. Why can't you just date this guy, have some fun, dump him in when you'mvmmw had enough and make the most of being a free agent?

It all sounds a bit rushed to be honest. 2 months isn't very long to get over an ex husband at all, and your boyfriend should know that. So really it's only been 7 months since you split with your ex and you've got some new man talking about marriage. It's no wonder you're feeling confused!

I think you need some more time on your own to properly grieve for your marriage and it does sound like a rebound relationship. Having been the recipient of a rebounder myself I can tell you it's utter crap, not to mention horribly confusing for you. I think the kindest thing to do would be to end it, you can't love this man if you're still in love with someone else.

Eep, far too much too soon, how can he possibly love you and want marriage this soon on (no offence).

OP no wonder you are so confused/conflicted! How can you possibly engage properly in this relationship when you are struggling to let go of your dream that was your marriage (irrespective of how shoddily your stbxh treated you). It's really only just ended! You need time to process that and see where it leaves you.

My own stbxh, although not a childhood sweetheart, was the 'love of my life' when we met. 18 months on from the split (years after falling firmly out of love with the twunt) and six months of counselling later I've met a new man, learned a lot about myself, established my little family unit and found a totally different sort of love (unexpectedly met a rather lovely fella.)

If you want to continue holding a torch for your ex, or the heartfelt dream he represents, be my guest... This new relationship will only muddy the waters.

If not, you need time on your own and some professional help to move forwards.

Thank you all so much, definitely the reality check that I needed.
I agree it's been too much too soon, the new man fell for me immediately (not sure how or why!) and at first I was a little swept along by it all but it doesn't mask the fact that my heart still lies elsewhere. My ex & I actually split 18 months ago but we had a last ditch attempt at reconciliation earlier this year. I feel sometimes that I'll never get over him but I also know I'm being pretty selfish by keeping the new man under false pretences.
Thank you all that have replied, this is something I've been churning over in my head for some time now.

I do think it's possible to know that you love someone and want to be with them within a short space of time, so I don't necessarily think that nm's declarations are red flags or too much too soon or whatever, everyone is different.

But op - you got into a relationship with someone while you were still in love with someone else - and that is never a good basis for the start of a relationship. Time does heal, and things will get better, but in the meantime it is unfair to stay with someone who you don't have those feelings for. Even if he's prepared to wait for you - he deserves better than to stick around knowing that he is currently second best. Let him go, be single for a while, and then when things are less painful start thinking about your future. There's no reason why you can't date casually in the meantime, just be up-front about it.