I have a very good friend who split up with her long term partner at the beginning of the year.
She almost immediately fell into a whirlwind romance with a new guy. This new relationship was very intense - he was telling her he loved her within 3 or 4 weeks and promised marriage and babies. She would meet up with him for a date, which would then last for 72 hours, that sort of thing. Throughout however, there has been the odd day where he is not contactable - apparently because he is 'sleeping', which she attributes to the fact that he has suffered from depression all his life.
I should mention now that she knew that he previously had a long term relationship with a woman who doesn't live in the UK any more - but was told by him that this relationship had ended 18 months or so previously.
My friend moved in with him (his flat) within 4 or 5 months. Within about a month of living together things were starting to go wrong, with him being moody and withdrawn. She attributed this to him also coming off anti-depressants around the same time. She was told by him that him coming off anti-depressants was supervised by his GP.
Then all hell broke loose. She found out that he'd come off the anti-depressants without consulting his GP. Also, his "ex" girlfriend arrived back in the UK. According to the ex, she was not an ex at all, even though she has not lived in the UK for almost two years at this point. She came back to the UK and effectively moved herself into my friend's boyfriend's flat, ousting my friend. According to my friend, her boyfriend was powerless to stop this as the ex girlfriend is extremely demanding and also because of the boyfriend's long standing mental health issues.
The boyfriend insists that nothing is going on between them and that the relationship is over. The ex leaves after 3 weeks, and the boyfriend says his ex is now completely clear that the relationship is over.
At this point I and other friends beg our friend not to give this guy another chance - we point out that he has told some massive lies and is turning her life into a bit of a circus. She relents and gives him another chance anyway.
Things are getting back on track again, after another month or so and they seem to be moving forward with their relationship.
Until the ex turns up again and has again moved into his flat for a few weeks. I find the whole thing utterly utterly bizarre regardless of any mental health issues and frankly think he is using depression as an excuse for what is just bad behaviour.
I can tell already that my friend is still going to give this guy another chance - she continues to meet up with him.
In the meantime she is a shadow of her former self - losing weight at an alarming rate, drinking too much, has taken up smoking, getting into debt and is just generally all over the place. Mostly I find her very self absorbed at the moment but I realise that is perhaps a response to what is happening in her personal life.
How do I make her see this guy (and his ex?) are toxic and she is being dragged down? Or do I just have to butt out?
I think I am also finding it very frustrating that the decisions she is making impact on me and other friends. For example we are getting requests to lend her money, and she still doesn't have a permanent address (meaning that there is a risk she might at some point ask to stay in my spare room - which I don't really want (mostly that she has lived with me for a while already this year and I found it extremely stressful given what was going on with her)). And also I just am tired of discussing her problems with her and trying to give her advice for her then just to take him back anyway.
I guess I recognise that I can't change what she does. But what should I do for the sake of my own sanity and preserving the friendship. I feel like the friendship is increasingly strained, to the point where I am already cutting back the amount of time I spend with her.