How do you deal with a DH who is genuinely helpful but not in the way you want?

[FuckYouSheRa]

I don't know if I'm just being controlling and arsey.

We both work ft, Dh leaves at 6am. I do the morning shift with the dc and generally get a load of washing on or empty the dishwasher, as well as get me and three kids out of the house for 8am.

I often come home for lunch so I can do little jobs. Dh does the afternoon school run and cooks dinner for when I get in at 6pm. And then we have stuff in the evenings most evenings.

So it's just all go really and mostly we muddle through. We recently moved to a house twice the size as our old house though and although in a lot of ways life is made easier by this, there is obviously more to do.

So we hired a cleaner, and she came round yesterday to do an initial assessment. Because it's half term, dh had been at home with the kids all day. I came in at six and she was right behind me.

I am not exaggerating when I say the house was revolting. Downstairs wasn't too bad but she actually yelped when I took her upstairs. All three kids had tipped the contents of their rooms out, there were wet towels and dirty undies on the floors, the loos were filthy and there was just stuff everywhere.

I could have died. The cleaner (not the actual cleaner , she owns the agency) was visibly shocked by the mess. I kept apologising and she patted my arm and said, don't be embarrassed, this is why you need us. And I thought, actually , I just any someone to run the Hoover round, we don't generally live like this.

I've barely spoken to dh since last night, I can't even look at him. He knew she was coming and it didn't occur to him to either pick stuff up or get the kids to. He bathed ds2 last night and in the fifteen minutes or so I tidied EVERYTHING away. Not because I'm some super speedy tidy freak but because that's all it took, toys in boxes, dirty stuff in laundry etc.

He just doesn't get why I'm cross. When we've talked before it became clear that he genuinely thinks he does more than me around the house. He does a lot, I'm not saying he doesn't. But he takes so long about the jobs he does that he doesn't actually get much done.

I'm so miserable at the moment. Having a cleaner is going to ease the burden, but I am the ONLY person who ever tidies the house (other than moving stuff from one pile to another) and I don't know how to get him and the kids to start actually tidying shit up.

This may be just a rant, well done if you've got through it.

I think it's a personnel management problem. You and DH (and the DCs) are meant to be a team. For a team to function properly there has to be good communication, specific expectations and regular reviews. Sit together, outline the tasks for the day/week/whatever, decide who is doing what.... and be very specific so there's nothing left to assumptions or imagination. Eventually it becomes a routine and then it's easier

Someone will come along and say 'the OP shouldn't be doing all the thinking... she's not the parent....he should do this without instructions'. Which is true but, if you're unhappy with the performance of your team and don't want to do everything yourself, I think have to learn how to delegate effectively.

When my Aunt got a cleaner, it actually made her family tidier. It only took a couple of weeks before they realised that unless the floor was clear it wouldn't get hoovered. She told them this in the beginning but refused to pick up for them... Like I say it didn't take too long for the penny to drop.

Did your DH even know the kids had done that?

Can you make a task board, with responsibilities and tick boxes? Then it is about what's done, not the time it took.

I've tried task lists and stuff before. I didn't think he did know the kids had trashed their rooms quite so comprehensively, but that's my point really.

I (stupidly) assumed he would have given the house a once over before inviting someone in, particularly someone who is assessing the level of cleaning we need . It didn't occur to him. I didn't think to call him from work to tell him to, so as far as he's concerned it's my fault.

He bathed ds2 last night and the family bathroom is destroyed. Wet towels and bath toys everywhere. He just doesn't think to tidy up as he goes. And it's just not sinking in.

If im on the case constantly I feel like a nag and if I'm not then it doesn't get done and I have to do it. I feel like I can't win.

Like he never cleans the sink or the loo in our bathroom. It's just not a job he thinks of. But he does cook all the dinners and does the shopping and hangs washing out etc. I don't know if I'm just expecting too much.

I don't think you are expecting too much; you weren't there, so how could you do it?

does he do all the cooking because he likes it more than cleaning (who doesn't?!)

Following this. Same problem with DH. I have mobility problems which come and go, and he doesn't get it at all.

In our house, if we are both in, the one who cooks doesn't do the clean up so we take it in turns, broadly.

He does all the cooking because he gets in at 4 and I don't get in until 6. I do the weekend cooking. He doesn't necessarily enjoy it. He never cooked until I started working out of the house. I've never been a sahm but I used to work from home.

You need a daily catch-up with each other. If your schedules mean that the time you are in the house together is limited, do it then. Alternatively have a noticeboard or something in the house where you can each pin reminders. Also don't forget to complete the loop ie. showing each other appreciation for the things you actually do - very important to recognise effort. It's not constructive either of you getting upset that one didn't leave instructions or the other didn't use their initiative.

I clear up after dinner. That's another bugbear of mine, if he cleans the kitchen it takes him an hour and a half and he still won't have wiped the sides down.

Thanks cog. I'm really conscious that this is becoming a 'thing'. We actually get on so well other than this, we never row and have a lovely affectionate marriage and I don't want the bloody housework to become our bête noir.

I think you're being quite ott and actually nasty to him. You have a good marriage otherwise and he seems to be pulling his weight overall so why focus in on the tiny thing that you could work on rather than behaving so immaturely about.
Just because he isn't doing things exactly the way you want, it doesn't mean he deserves for you to 'barely be speaking to him'.

Isn't it a better reflection to the cleaner of the state of the house as it was? Wouldn't your kids be more likely to make such a mess than not? If you had a gardener around, would you run around trimming the hedges before he came?

Put it into perspective, look at the big picture of your family life. Is this really worth getting so angry over?

Don't forget the DCs, of course. I don't know how old they are but you can put some simple rules in place e.g. no-one gets supper before toys are back in the boxes. Increase the number of laundry hampers around the place so that it's easy to put wet towels or dirty clothes into something. If you get DH to come up with suggestions how to get the DCs engaged with tidying you're more likely to get 'buy in' for himself.

It's a common one, I think, that some men do the cooking and think that's all there is to it.

I had I really spell it put to dh. Now I batch cook regularly so that frees up an odd hour or two. Honestly, buy a slow cooker and stick a casserole on in the morning (takes few mins) and enough for two days (or three and freeze third potion)

I actually say to him now to wash the windows or fold end put away the clothes or remake beds. Was getting so annoyed that he would do a silly job like tidy the shed or similar and I was doing everything.

Ladyluck, it's not just this one thing - this is the "last straw"

Not tidying up wet towels after a bath is rubbish - that's part of the bathing chore!

I find it weird that your cleaner yelped at the sight of your house!

If I had a gardener, I would pick up any litter and garden toys before they came. It's the same thing.

I didn't particularly want to clean before she came, but t should have been tidy.

I don't blame her.

Op, I can kind of understand the cleaner thing from his side and if it was a one off you'd probably be cross with the kids more than him for emptying the baskets.

But it's more the lack of doing it on general!

But that's just mess. It's not filthy! How old are dcs? I would be shouting at dd to get her ass up and clean that here.

I know it's just mess. That's the point. The cleaner was there to assess what we wanted her company to do. The house should have been in the state it will be in when they come and clean. She pointed out to me that they wouldn't be able to clean in the allotted time with that level of mess.

It was embarrassing. She thought I was presenting her the house as it always is. I had no idea it was a mess because I'd been at work all day. It was pretty mortifying.

Don't be embarrassed, it wasn't you that did it.

Can your bear to just not pick up after him for a week or so? Surely if you did that he'd catch on, like with him leaving the bathroom a state- just leave it!

Is it just me but should cleaners be abit more professional than that? I've just recently hired a cleaner and she has sorted cupboards and given everything a place. Everything was kinda crazy here. And she didn't even bat an eyelid. Just got on with her job. (And heard my apologies lol) how do you feel around her? Will she be coming when nobody is in?