When your children are at contact with your ex

[melissamostyn]

I got divorced from my ex on grounds of domestic violence in Gebruary this year. We have two children between us: a little girl aged 5 with a disability, and a little boy aged 3.

After some very difficult negotiations I have settled for him to see the children one day a fortnight. We have come to a sort of regular contact arrangement without needing court.

I keep communication with him brief and to the point, and related to the children only. Now they are with their dad for a week during half-term (first time since the August bank holiday) and I miss them dearly. I want to ask my ex how they are, but I'm worried he might use it as an opportunity to bully me again. I don't even know where he's taken them.

Whenever I have enquired about their whereabouts in the past, my ex simply reverts the question back to me, which I think is unfair as he has much clearer parameters of where they are likely to go while in my care as we have not moved house. He even knows which nursery/school they attend every day.

Meanwhile I have no idea where he lives - I know he moved out of his parents' house recently, but I don't even know if he still lives in the same locality as them, what kind of accommodation he's in, etc. I know he doesn't have to give this kind of information, but it does mean I have no idea where in the UK the children are. It bothers me as he was abusive towards me in the past, and shows no signs of guilt or remorse over his actions.

I just want to know how my children are and to see photos of them looking happy. I have often asked child carers to text me photos and they're always happy to oblige. I'd like my ex to be the same, but am not sure if it's possible. Please advise.

WTF?

You have a 5yr old and a 3yr old and you have no idea where they are right now (and for the rest of the week) or what sort of accommodation they are living in?

Was this a court order?

OP, if this situation is making you feel uncomfortable, I'd suggest that you change the arrangements in future.

Fwiw, I wouldn't be happy about my children spending time with an abusive ex (currently going through similar with my DS, although he's much smaller than your DCs).

If your ex has always returned the chn in good health in the past, then it's likely that they will be cared for properly this week.

However, you've said he was abusive, so that is obviously a concern for long term contact. Can you say what type of abuse it was? Was he ever abusive to the DCs?

I think you need to get legal advice about future contact tbh. Gather any evidence of his previous abuse and current game playing and take it with you as the solicitor may wish to see some examples.

I wouldn't agree to this set up in future tbh. I would be very concerned if my son was with his dad for a week and I didn't know where about he'd gone to.

My stbxh is acting like a prat with child contact as well.
He's threatened to take them and not bring them back - it makes me so stressed but my solicitor says I've got to brave it out! if he actually does what he threatens then we go 'no contact' until mediation. But how do I do that if he's got them. God I hate having my kids pulled in the middle.

I've only just got his address (2 hours away from me)and I have said he cannnot have them over night yet especially with the OW on the scene. However, he thinks he can do what he likes when he likes.

In your case I wouldn't let them go with him if I didn't know the address at least. Although I suppose they can lie about it.

After going through this I don't think the system supports mothers who are concerned about their childrens welfare. All I seem to hear is fathers rights etc.

My stbxh emotionally abused me and when I look back he controlled the children too. Plus even with him admitting to using prostitutes etc he can still have them overnight and for holidays eventually. What type of enviroment will he be exposing my children to.

I think it sounds like a mistake to arrange this between you, with hindsight. You should know where your DCs are and be able to contact them. I strongly suggest you see a solicitor, tell them the details and start the ball rolling for a more formal contact arrangement. Violent men are not to be trusted.

Sorry but I wouldn't allow my ex to take my daughter unless I knew where he lived!

BTW.... I think you can legitimately say to him that the visits will stop unless you are happy you know where your DCs are. Straight away. The negotiations may have been very difficult but you don't have to abide by the outcome now that you know it's wrong.

You're entitled to know where your children are. I had this written into my divorce as part of conditions of contact. Personally I would send him a polite message saying you are not comfortable with not knowing where the children are and would like an address. Also say you would like to call them as it's the longest they've ever been without you, ask for a good time to call. The court will want to see you have tried to sort this out yourself. Your ex can rightly claim are the moment that you never told him you had a problem with this situation. Good luck.