'You can't change them, you just have to manage them'

[YokoUhOh]

Apologies for second PIL thread since the weekend

MIL is quite tricky. She needs to be the centre of attention, in control and in possession of the upper hand.

When visiting at the weekend, she made comments about victims of abuse 'deserving it' because they 'went back for more' (relating to a specific recent case). DH actually said something in defence of the victim (he usually ignores such comments), as did I. She also said that she thought there was something fishy about a current children's tv personality, whom DS loves. All groundless, of course, she just wanted to look like she was 'in the know'.

Why does she say things like this? DH thinks she just needs 'managing' because she's too old to change, but I find it intolerable, especially as DS will start to pick up on her nonsense sooner or later. Any advice?

Stupid people exist and they say stupid things. You can either try to educate them to your way of thinking, ignore them completely with an eye roll or something in between. Do you have to spend much time together typically?

Every time I see PILs and DPs I hear similar things from them. It's annoying and I frequently have to bite my tongue though I did slightly lose it with MIL at the weekend over benefits claimants and how she thinks they are all scroungers.

I'm honestly not sure what to suggest. My usual route when they come out with some Daily Fail piece of shittery is to say in a final voice that politics are awkward and some people feel one thing while some feel other things and no-one is ever going to agree. Then move on to another subject.

I'd rather that than spend an afternoon trying to explain statistics of working families receiving benefits or trying to suggest #notallmuslims etc.

Thanks for replying, Cog. We probably see less of them than we should because DH, while he loves his parents, finds their attitudes strange. So, really, it's duty visits only, a handful of times a year, at most.

Comito I think this might be a problem we share with many people of our generation. PILs don't read newspapers but if they did, it would be The Fail.

I too can relate.

My mum has many great qualities, but tends to teat the Daily Fail as the fount of all knowledge and is a howling racist to boot.

DH and I will pick her up politely when she comes out with something blatantly untrue, but I do feel that her beliefs are deeply entrenched so there is little to be gained by trying to educate her out of them.

Where my DS are concerned, we have used some of her statements as a starting point for discussions about differing beliefs about race, religion etc., and while of course he loves his gran, that doesn't mean he has to agree with her. DS2 is a toddler, but DS1 is ten so is well able to engage like this.

He actually challenges her more than we do and will say "You can't talk like that Gran, some of my friends are Muslims!"

Oh God, TREAT, not teat!

I actually was breastfeeding as I was typing that so maybe it's my subconscious....

I am 70 plus and the only thing me or my friends would use the Mail for is lighting the fire. I have a right of fascist MIL and I let her remarks go right over my head. I am not going to rise to anything she says because her views are so removed from my own, by even acknowledging them, I lose respect for myself.
I live far away, very rarely visit and she means very little to me in that she has no influence or say in my life. I don't cross her or get riled by her because I don't care what she thinks. For me life is too short. I am pleasant and polite and have not quarrelled with her during the last 40 plus years. To me she is an utter irrelevance.
My children are extremely fond of her and I like living in peace. Otherwise I never think about her unless I have to. I suggest Post you try to do the same. You say you hardly see your PIL anyway. So who cares what they say. My children have listened to their right wing ranting all their lives and they have not been influenced one iota. They saw too little of them. Now they laugh about their views. So don't worry about them influencing your children. Teachers spend more time with your children than they do. Do you worry about their views rubbing off ?
Relax and go with the flow and feel happy that you are nicer than the weird PIL. Don't let them upset you....

My ex 'PIL' (in quotes because my ex and I weren't married, despite having kids and LTR) was one of the most sexist, racist old buggers you could ever wish to meet. I could tell you some stories of some of the shit I had to listen to. How I bit my tongue sometimes I honestly don't know, and sometimes I didn't and then WW3 would break out as my ex would always leap to his parents' defence.

But ... he was a nice old fella. Seriously he was. He was a bit of a local hero, fought in the war as part of a famous campaign which few survived, was captured, nearly killed, put in a POW camp ... and in all other respects was a was kind, generous, funny and lovely with the grandkids and everybody loved him, a real character. But he was still a racist, sexist old bugger! In fact all the men in that family - my ex, his brothers, while not racist, were misogynists and the women very much beholden to their men. I didn't fit in AT ALL.

The old man too would spout all this stuff he'd read in The Sun/Mail et al as if it was chapter and verse, but I gave up arguing with the bigoted old sod. It was entrenched in him - part of his DNA, nothing I could ever do or say was going to change that. So I stopped getting wound up about it and just ignored him, changed the subject or whatever, and just let it go over my head.

He died last year, and his views died with him. My kids, who spent a lot of time with their grandad are the most liberal, open minded, non judgmental young people you could ever wish to meet - I made sure of that. They loved him to pieces and were heartbroken when he died, but they certainly wouldn't agree with any of his views.