I don't know how to let go.

[farendofafart]

I recently separated from my DH. We have been together for over 20 years - since we were teenagers - and we have two small DC (6 and 2). The main problems that prompted my decision to separate were his long standing alcohol problem and his lack of responsibilty. There is more to it than that but those are the main two issues. Both issues had been particularly bad in the last year - he had been drinking in secret and he had been verbally abusive to me whilst drunk. Our finances were in a mess yet he continued to drink and then gave up his job without securing a new one.

So I got out. Took our DC and moved us into a new house. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life but I hardened my heart and dealt with all the practical stuff and I did it.

The problem is, I can't seem to make myself let my marriage go - I haven't given it the final push. My H has been very understanding about what I've done (the separation) and my reasons for doing it. He blames himself, he says I did the right thing and has made various promises to sort his issues out because he wants us back. But truly, I don't know if I believe he will ever sort his issues out. I don't believe he will ever really be the man I need him to be. And if I'm honest, I don't know if I can ever forgive him for the shit he's put me through - because when I really think about some of the things he's said and done in the past, I can't believe I've stayed in the relationship as long as I have.

Even though I have moved out and have become domestically and financially independent from him, I am still in a marriage. We still have sex. We still have dinner together sometimes (ostensibly this is for the kids but really it's for us too). He comes to my house every night to help put the DC to bed.

I know it's madness and I have done the hard part (moving out etc.) But I really don't know where to go from here. I don't know whether I should give him a chance to change, and continue to work on our marriage with a view to future reconciliation, even though I don't really believe in him any more. Or if I should tell him it's over.

I am so very conflicted, confused and unhappy.

I'm afraid you're going to have to stop contacting him as well as hardening your heart. It'll be difficult to draw a line under things but you'll never successfully get anywhere if you keep on with this halfway arrangement.

It would be impossible to stop contacting him as we have DC together. We still need to co-parent them. In fact, that's one of the things that makes me keep him so close still - I think it's much easier on the DC if we are parenting together.

Having typed that, I do struggle with co-parenting because we have very different parenting styles. Another of our issues

He won't change though, because he doesn't need to. And that's no good for your DCs.

If his drinking and the abusive side effects were bad enough for you to leave, they're bad enough to make him a pretty crappy dad. Think about it.

And I am really sorry, by the way.

With respect, you can co-parent without having long conversations, meals together or sex. The children can stay at his place, spend time with him and you would get to develop your own life independently. Detaching when the other person doesnt't accept it's over takes effort and good boundary-setting

I would hope you don't need to have sex to co-parent. It sounds like you have one foot in and one foot out of the marriage. If this is just some time apart to think things through, fair enough. But if not, you have to make a decision either way.

Co-parenting means discussing matters only related to the children. He comes to put the kids to bed and does only that (though I'm not sure that is such a good idea long term). Be careful though, as to the children, you are still a family if he does that and has dinners, etc. You may be confusing them long term. What about set times he has them or overnights at his?

If you want to be divorced from him, you have to actually act like it. Emotions vs. logistics/children. Two issues going on. Try not to muddle them up too much. Treat the divorce as a business arrangement. Would highly recommend seeing a counselor for the emotional aspect.

I just don't know if I want to be divorced from him. I'm still hanging onto this idea of how things ought to be, even though they probably never will be. And I'm far too bloody sentimental for all we've shared in the past. Plus we have pretty good sex and I don't want to give that up.

I know these are rubbish reasons for doing what I'm doing. I know I need to make a clean break. I just can't summon up the courage.

I'm on a waiting list for counselling.