After the Affair- when does the pain stop?

[geordiegirl]

Recently my husband had an affair- we have been together for 21 years, 16 married and have had a fantastic time together. It broke my heart and almost tore our family apart. It was someone at work whom he'd known only a few months- he said he still loved me and was not unhappy . He said it was not about me, but that he was the problem. Now he's moved on , as if it never happened- he had, I'm sure a "midlife crisis".Now I feel so alone with this and have longed for some kind of support group (my friends have been great but they have no similar experiences to help me). I have been to hell and back in the last few months but I know that we have something stronger than this and we will get better and closer with time. How do I move on? When does the pain stop- it has been about 4 months since I knew the full extent of what was going on. I didn't see it coming, I knew there was something not right but at the time he was about to be made redundant and I thoought this was the problem- I still think it was a major factor. Now I feel I am having the midlife crisis- nothing seems right, I feel so unsettled and alone with this. I am sure there are people out there with similar experiences- any advise and support would be appreciated. I know I am not alone in these feelings!

georgedie girl all i can do is send you big hugs and a shoulder to cry on anytime you need to i would sugest talking to your husband though and try and get some of these questions answered it wont make you feel better but it will help you to sort things out in you own mind to help you move on my marridge ended after a affair (him and me) but there was no love lost there have you tried counciling for you both where you can talk to a professional to help you both get thrugh this there is a light at the end of the tunnel and i will be standing by that light to give you a reat big hug

mummytojames - thanks for the support. We have talked and continue to do so. we have been going to counciling too which has helped me a lot.I know we will be fine it's just I have days where I feel so overwhelmed with the sadness of what happened. He has got it all sorted in his head now, mine is better than it was but the pain is still there. He can't answer many of the questions , the why questions he doesn't know why - there appears to both of us to be no reason, no root cause- nothing that needs mending!!!! so how can this happen? Thanks again for the cyber hug!

hello geordiegirl,I feel just like you.My dh denies an affair but something was going on with a colleague of his and I found out in November.He says they just got close,lots going on at work etc etc and I was too busy with our 4 kids to listen to him so it seems. For me the problem is I don't believe him and I can't seem to move on.He says he loves me and has told his colleague they must have professional relationship in future.Everyone says to me he has chosen to be with you and must love you but I feel we have lost closeness we've had for 14 years. I feel lonely and sad and can't shake it either so much so I feel I'm on a course of destruction. I am very suspicious al the time and just can't help it. Sorry not been much use and its been 6 months for me.I want so much to be happy with him but something is holding me back.I think I lost a bit of respect for him especially as he did lie to me at the time .

Mambo,so sorry you are feeling this way too. I know how much it hurts and eats away at you.What is an affair? does it have to be sex? I believe not- if your dh has given away a part of himself that should only belong to you then I think that is an affair. My dh first told me in Nov that he had "got close to someone at work"- a meeting of minds, he felt he'd met another soul mate. I believed him at the time that it had not gone as far as a physical relationship (I believed because I trusted) however even at that point I felt he was having an affair (as it turns out it was the full thing- he didn't tell me all because he wanted to save my feelings!too late damage already done even when I believed it was just a close relationship)I found out the true extent in January when he left and came back the next day telling all. The only thing I can say to you is that counselling did help me it let me say things to my dh infront of a third party that he had to respond to. we have 3 children and the hardest thing was to try and work through all this"shit" that was going on and not let the children see my pain. It made it worse that "the other woman" was married too but had no children- she could come and go as she pleased. I had 3 children to put first. knowlege is power and control and that is what you feel you are lacking now- control over your life- ask him all the questions in your head, make him answer you and understand how you are feeling and that he has made you feel that way, when all you did was be a wife and mother as was the plan!please don't feel alone- I know I said I do - but it helps to know there are people like you out there-keep in touch.

hello gg thanks for your message. The problem with my dh is that as he has constantly denied any affair he thinks I should just get over it and move on.He is very frustrated with me for wanting to talk and just sighs or raises his eyes to ceiling if I bring it up or talk about my feelings.His colleague is also married without children and she stil works for him which I think makes it harder to move on.I think he sees me as needy and emotionally draining at the moment and I constantly worry I will push him back to her. Does your dh stil work with "the other women" ?

Hi mambo, fortunately my dh no longer works with this woman.They were all made redundant and so he has now moved to a new job. At first when it was over he said he wanted to keep in contact with her "just good friends"- I said that can never be the case when you have been intimate with someone and that I deserved some committment from him to show that it was all over. So now he has no more contact with her- he saw how much it hurted me even to think he was just talking to her during the day on the phone. It took him a while to see that but I know now he does not speak to her- I have to believe him- I do believe him so much has happened for us not to start building the trust again. He does however find it difficult to see why I am having trouble moving on. i think many men (swooping generalisation but experience tells me true)can think in boxes ie put a lid on one area of their life and open the lid on another. that is how my dh described it to me when I pushed him on how he could carry on this relationship and not think of me and the hurt he'd be causing me. I have come to accept we think in different ways- I cannot separate the different areeas of emotion in my life. i wish I could to a certain extent as the thoughts of the last ew months keep jumping into my head when I don't want them there.Mambo, all I can say is that you must get him to accept that you feel this way at the moment for whatever reason and now, more than ever before you need his support. Whether he's telling the truth or not you dont trust him and you need to get that trust back to move onwards. I think you also have to open the lid on the box of the recent past - get him to look at the detail with you - then only then can you start to move on. Will he help you and come to counselling with you?

hello geordiegirl how are things for you ? I'm feeling sad my dh is going to London for overnight stop next week and week after and she has to go with him. I know its good he told me but thenagain he probably knows I would try and find out anyway. I can't stand the thought of them on train together and having meal in Hotel etc.It makes me feel sick to the stomach - pmt doesn't help either. I know he can't give up his job or sack her but things are not getting any easier. any advice ?

Hi mambo,
sorry I haven't replied before now but our computer crashed and has been away getting sorted- all well now as you can see!
How are you feeling at the moment? How did last week go? were you able to talk about your feelings and did your dh tell you what was happening with him and this woman on their buisiness trips? I feel that the more knowledge you have the more reassured you will feel.
We are doing well, although like you pmt doesn't help- I get a few bad days still where the sadness of the last few months just overwhelm me. We have talked about the fact that my dh has totally got over what he did and never raises the subject; whereas I still need to talk about it. Not as often as I did but we have agreed it has not to be a taboo subject and that he must listen and "hold"( counselling term!) my grief/ sadness/ fears ie not that he has to act upon them but he has to listen and try to understand that i am experiencing all these feelings and HE CAUSED IT!
Take care, keep talking, I'm back on line so will respond quicker next time.

Hi geordiegirl nice to hear from you.I'm sat here trying to motivate myself to do some housework - sometimes I think the house was cleaner before I discovered mnet!!He was away last night actually and next week it is black tie event which is even worse! However after huge row last week we sat down & talked on Friday and right now I feel as if a big cloud has lifted. We have both said that we love each other and want things to work out so we an have the life we always wanted. In fact he rang last night at 10pm to say he has been given 2 tickets for quarter final of Euro 2004 in Portugal so I'll be pleading with my mum to let us have a few days away + I do quite enjoy football.I want us to be happy and I am trying really hard to concentrate on all positive things and keep telling myself that I have to believe that he loves me and wants to be with me .But like you say I hate that feeling of beng overwhelmed and I'm dreading it happening again and what will trigger it.

Great to hear you sounding more positive. I know that feeling of the weight being lifted after you've talked. the difficult bit, I find is that I feel fine for a while after our talks then I feel the sadness creeping up on me again and the questions pop into my head. I am starting to learn how to head this feeling off ie by making myself go off and do something different or by sitting dh down and saying I need to let these feelings out and I need you to listen and try and understand. i know some of my thoughts are irrational on the subject of what my dh feels for me and my trying to trust again but he is seeing that irrational or not they are real and have to come out...then the weight lifts.
I have found myself buying every self help book I see e.g "after the affair" and "how to mend a broken heart" I know they wont give me all the answers but they helped me identify that my feelings were normal and that I was doing well in coming to terms with the awful trauma of my dh affair. All I can say to you is try and talk to your dh about your feelings ,especially at a time when you are feeling less emotional seek his support and understanding even if he doesn't agree with why you are having theses feelings. I hope you get that time away in Portugal (I better not let my dh see this he'd be so jealous of the football tickets- he's a mad Newcastle fan and travels 2hours to get back to Newcastle for all the home games)
By the way don't worry about the housework YOU are more important give yourself time and space to work through your feelings it will be better for your relationship in the end. Keep looking forward!

hello, sorry to butt in but i was searchng through the threads for some answers and found this one. my husband told me (not quite through his choice) that he had had an affair which he says is now over, but the reason he told me is because i had his phone and he was scared i'd see a text she sent on tuesday (alledgedly just asking how he was). i feel physically sick and in total shock. we have been together for fourteen years and have two children. i just cannot imagine how we can rebuild a real trusting close relationship.