My drinking has caused issues in my relationship.

[SirDrinksALot]

Hi,

I'm a reader of the mumsnet but haven't contributed so far, deep first post but bear with me.

Apologies if this isn't the right section, but my problems have been causing issues in my relationship for my wife so it seemed as good as anywhere else.

I have a drink issue which I now accept is long term, it isn't perhaps as serious as other people's, however in recent months it seems I haven't had the level of control I once had and it's become apparent I've been unable to manage it. Probably the best way to look at it is a long term drink problem that I've managed to keep a lid on for some years.

Either way, it is what it is. I'm not trying to minimize it or downplay it, but I do believe other people battling alcohol addiction are in worse situations than my own. 3 and a half weeks ago, I had a bad day, and it came to a head. In some ways this was good, as it gave me an opportunity to address the problem I have and speak frankly about it with my wife. I think prior to this I was in denial about the whole thing and still thought I had it under control, when clearly I didn't.

This bad day at any rate, had the potential to cost me my marriage, which brought home to me the gravity of not only my situation, but the situation I was putting my wife in. I've used that day to draw a line under the situation, and I'm trying everything I possibly can to deal with it and move forward. I've made an appointment with my GP, discussed it with him, referred myself to a local support group, explained my situation to family and close friends, and temporarily cut up my bank and credit cards. I haven't drank alcohol since this day, currently 24 days.

I can't remember the last time I went 24 days without alcohol, which is both great and depressing in equal measure. My wife is an utterly fantastic woman, and I feel both ashamed and saddened that I've put her through what I have without being able to deal with it sooner. I can't change the past though, and focussing on it isn't going to help, so I'm trying to move forwards. She has been great in the past 24 days, obviously at times it's been hard work, and there is obviously both anger and a lack of understanding there, but I believe we will work through it. When I say lack of understanding, I don't mean that in the sense of "my alcohol problem is horrible poor me" I mean that she has at times blamed herself and I find that particularly hard to deal with, it's entirely my own fault not hers in any way, shape or form.

My immediate dilemma currently, and the reason for my post, is that although I'm doing well, I do have concerns about my willpower, and I don't know who to talk to about it. Anonymously online works for me I think, hence my posting. While I do want to be open and honest about my situation with my wife, I don't want to burden her with all of it.

Over the next few days I have to go away with work, and there will be at least 1 night out for a team meal. It has all the perfect triggers for me to drink. I will be away from home, so I could drink without anyone I know finding out, I will be socialising with new people and historically I find that easier after a drink, and I know I'm thinking about it because I've already thought these things. I'm commited to not drinking totally, but I'm also naturally a little worried about slipping. Basically I just don't know how I feel about it, and I don't want my wife to worry while I'm away, I've already assured her I won't be drinking, but I feel like I don't have anything as a coping mechanism as such.

So far I've not drank any non-alcoholic beers etc as I don't personally feel that that is addressing a problem, just masking it. It could also be that it's just over-thinking it all and I'll be fine, it's just this is the first "social" situation / meal out I'll be facing since I stopped drinking and I imagine that's probably where all the thoughts have come into my head.

So in a nutshell, that's where I'm at, and if anyone has any words of wisdom, or tips that they've used, or perhaps they're partners have used, I'm all ears. The problem is I can't really think of anything other than simply "don't drink". I'm hoping that proves as easy done as it is said.

If the core problem is that you don't trust yourself I suggest you go public. If you can't resolve not to touch alcohol while you're away, resolve to tell the people you're with that you have a problem and engage their help. If you'd find the truth too humiliating, you could maybe come up with a reason why you can't drink that others would be sympathetic to. Contraindicated with medication, for example

I know some of the theory, but haven't personally put it into practice yet. AA seems to be the way to go. I have lots of friends in AA who are the most wonderful people and do a lot of personal development too. You would also have a sponsor as someone to talk to when you are going through the hardest times. But meanwhile congratulations on taking the first step.

You are coming out of denial and that is brilliant. I'm married to an alcoholic who is currently sober. My advice is: Don't try to do all this on your own. Find your nearest AA meeting (Google it) and go along. You will meet loads of people with the same story as yours (contrary to the popular stereotype, you don't have to be a down-and-out to be an AA member, just to have a problematic relationship with alcohol). You will get help and support there if you want it. It's very, very difficult to deal with a problem like this on your own.
Good luck, and please don't give up.

Read books. Books and blogs. Such as Alan Carr and Jason Vale. As many as you can.

Thankyou for taking the time to reply.

In regards to going public, I have done so with family and friends, but for various reasons it isn't an option work wise. The medication reason is a good shout and I could use that.

It isn't as much an issue of not trusting myself, I do, but I also don't fully understand how I got to where I am, and that make me wary of myself. I feel as if I should have some sort of arsenal of tactics or something, and I think I feel a bit conscious that I basically just have my own willpower.

I have an appointment tomorrow with someone from the local support group to me, which is pretty handy timing, so hopefully that will be positive.

Some of the wisest people I know have got to where you are, OP. I think probably you have been using it as a social crutch, to hide your shyness.

You need to take responsibility for where you are and that will open up how you got there, brutal honesty and openness.
You don't have drink 'issues' that is an excuse and again not taking any responsibility for it also @not as serious' as other peoples isn't true, it is affecting your life in a negative way and impacting on your relationships.

I work with clients of all additions and the first step is to take the responsibility NOT blame, blame is useless. See your GP there are meds that can help with cravings etc, take yourself out of situations that you might find hard ( drinking) make excuses if you don't want to tell others that are immediatly in your family/friends, have a look at AA or SMART both can work for different people.

I also would suggest keeping a diary of how you are doing/feeling each day, write emotions, how each day is better or worse.

You have taken a great big fantastic step so I wish you well.

I don't drink alcohol or a have a partner so social occasions can become quite monotonous. One evening whilst at a wedding do, I went and sat on the loo lid for 15 minutes to pass the time.

The medication sounds like a good tip and then just keep smiling.

Think how great you'll feel at the end of the evening when you have succeeded in staying dry.

You sound like a good man.
Don't give up.
Best wishes to you and your family.

It's a possibility I guess, I do generally find myself more relaxed around new people after a drink, however with the clarity of not drinking for 24 days, I think with hindsight I've been using it as a coping mechanism for some quite stressful life events that have cropped up recently.

That makes it easier to understand in one regard, and makes me hopeful that by giving it reason, I can combat it and work to make sure it doesn't happen again. In the same breath though, I feel very cautious that I don't know why I've not leant on it in the same way at some point before in my life, and that if I chalk it up to being stressed recently that I might relax and sink back into it.

When I say read books and blogs, I mean about sobriety. They can be inspiring, and give many tips and aids to manage situations, feelings, goals etc, which can help.

Tutt, thanks for your reply. I take your words seriously, and I don't want at all to come over as defensive, but let me clarify my words a little.

When I say "drink issues" I'm not attempting to belittle it, I don't know how else to put it really, I have issues, problems, whatever I should call it with alcohol, and that is that. If there's a better term I'm as happy to use that.

I'm attempting to take responsibility for my situation, I accept I have a problem and I alone can resolve it. I have made a choice to resolve it rather than live with it, as I recognise not doing so will cost me other things in my life that I value above alcohol. I think that's as clear as I can put it.

You are correct in saying that it is affecting my life in a negative way, I don't mean to suggest it isn't, I mean that simply there are people who I feel would have a harder time. Whether or not that's true or not I guess I don't know for sure. I don't drink spirits, and touch wood, I don't have a physical dependence on alcohol, which makes my situation better and easier to deal with than others less fortunate in my book. I'm trying to say that there are people likely further in the grip of alcohol, not that I am not myself.

I have already told family and friends, whom on the whole have been supportive. I don't particularly want to take myself out of situations that could be tricky drink wise, as I don't really feel that's addressing the problem, more masking it. As I write there is alcohol in the house, and there has been for the last 24 days. My wife still drinks on occasion as she wishes, and I don't wish her to stop as a result of my own problems.

The diary idea is a good one, I think I shall start, and probably a good time will be after the meal this week, in my hotel room, instead of having a drink.

SirDrinks keep going, but do get support, the support-group sounds great, would you see a GP about it too or the local Addiction services, there are medication that could help as well. I am not an alcoholic myself but have lived with a close family member who is - I don't drink though and initially it was difficult in social situations, so having a handy excuse 'sorry, medication' or 'sorry, driving' or even just 'I don't drink' is a good idea so that you don't get pressured. I can't be pressured into drinking as I react very badly to it now, so if you really can't drink, you can't and don't be persuaded otherwise.

Better word than issue is 'relationship' because that's what it is, I didn't read your OP as defensive just honest.
By taking and accepting 'responsibility' it is just owning it and taking out any negative/blame/ etc being what we call'adult', in no way is this word used to undermine or belittle it is just a way of taking 'ownership' :)

Tutt, good points :)

Hairtoday, thanks. I have seen my GP, the result was a referral to the local addiction services, that's a better name and accurate, that's the "support group" to which I'm referring :)

There will be AA meetings where you are going with work, you could maybe try and access them, or tell someone within your work group that you trust that you have a disordered relationship with alcohol, you're trying to sort it, but you need their support?

Has your wife sought help to deal with her feelings around your drinking? Al-Anon are good and can help her realise that your drinking isn't her fault.

Well done on getting to 24 days. That is a big step. But in terms of a life time/long term problem, 24 days is a short period. It takes at least 60 days to form a proper habit.

It is not surprising that you are worried about your work trip because you aren't yet confident in yourself and your own strength. That's perfectly normal when making big life changes. It will come but take it a day at a time.

If I were you, I would avoid these drinking opportunities on this trip if you are that concerned. Say you are feeling unwell/have a headache and avoid the team meal. Just stay away this time.

In the scheme of things, this is just one social occasion/session so missing it won't be career disastrous.

It's not about saying "I will never be able to socialise" - it is about saying "right now I'm too vulnerable so should avoid this situation totally."

I strongly disagree with the advice to go public. It may (sadly) adversely affect people's perception of you and you are setting yourself up for work trouble in the long run in my opinion. There will be more pressure on you and some tw*ts are bound to think it's entertaining to try to get you to drink.

OP you are doing brilliantly so far and there is every chance that you can succeed and live a happy sober life. You are right, though, to seek support because that will help get you through any rough patches.

There are several things to keep right at the front of your mind if you feel yourself wavering. One really effective strategy is to remind yourself that the feeling will pass. No matter how strong the craving, if you can ride it out, it will go, so hang in there.

Regarding your night out, I agree that it's best to just not go if you can get out of it. If not prepare for it so that you know exactly what you will do and don't get taken by surprise and therefore be more likely to slip up.

Decide on your first drink, pint of orange and lemonade (or whatever you fancy). Don't let yourself get too hungry before your meal, buy some snacks and take them with you if need be. If people ask why you're not drinking say you're on antibiotics (tooth infection or something) or say that you want to be clear headed the next morning.

Make a list of all the reasons for not drinking and take it with you. Maybe a photograph of your wife? Remember that it's only two, three hours to get through. After the meal, if you've had enough, excuse yourself with a headache and take yourself off to bed with a book.

There are loads more tips HERE - it's a great read and will help to keep you focussed.

Do you have any children? Maybe promising to ring during the evening to say good night might be a reason to stay sober and a timely reminder of reasons not to have even one