Not sure if I can post this on here but here goes..

[yillt]

Hi Everyone

I have been with my partner for 4 years, I am 28 and he is 35, my problem is a slightly embarrassing one but its really affecting my relationship. My OH never initiates sex, if he does it's for a quicky. I don't feel like Im attractive anymore, he says he loves me and thinks im really attractive but he hasn't got much of a sex drive because he's older than me... I find it really hard to buy that as a reason and I want to say it doesnt bother me but it really does. He's only 35, what happens when we're 50? I expected our sex life to slow down but not for another few decades.
When I talk to him about it he basically says I have to accept he's older than me and just not as bothered but to me that translates to youre not desirable and Im feeling really low about myself.

Has anyone else experienced this? or have any advice?

It's not age-related. It's him-related.

Ideally, he would a) care very deeply that this is an issue for you, b) rule out any medical issues, c) try to find a way for both of you to have your needs met, or a close enough compromise.

From what you say, he's either not bothered that you're unhappy (a sackable offence), or in denial about some kind of issue of his (not sackable, but he needs to face up to whatever it is, pronto.)

Do you think he is willing to consider your happiness and to make some changes?

Being 35 is NO reason in itself to have little interest in a fulfilling sex life with your partner.

What Goats said. Definitely not age-related.

35??? No not old enough to be past it...my toy boy is nearly that age and his libido is fine

Mismatched sex drives is something of an old chestnut topic for relationships. Don't know if that makes you feel better or worse, however. I think someone citing 'age' when they are only 35 is not credible so we can dismiss that. Context is everything.... Has he always had a low sex drive or is this a recent development? When you say 'never initiates' does that mean you are doing all the initiating? How often do you initiate? And are you successful or rejected? Is your DP a physically affectionate man in other ways? Would you hold hands in public, for example, or cuddle up? And when you say 'a quicky' is that as perfunctory and unsatisfying as it sounds?.... No foreplay, that kind of thing?

thank you for the replies guys, its so nice to have some support and be able to talk about it so first and foremost thank you I really appreciate you taking the time

In answer to some of your questions, when we initially got together he was much more into me, I could actually barely get changed but I suppose thats the honeymoon period. over the last 2 years its gone slowly downhill from most nights to 3 times a week to one quicky on a predictable saturday morning a week which if Im totally honest I resent more than enjoy because it feels like routine. ( so yes no foreplay nothing like that at all, more 10 minutes of whatever position is easiest or at least thats how it seems to me)

I make a lot of effort, I touch him affectionately, suggest we go to bed early etc but he is usually "tired", " not that well" etc when I brought it up to him last night at my wits end he sited the age gap. ( its only 8 years) He is stressed at work, but his work is stressful, thats not something that ever changes.

In the past I also asked him what he found sexy, found out he wasn't bothered about my underwear sets Id been buying and preferred thongs and g strings so I bought a load and just started wearing them without making a fuss to see if there would be a change - there wasn't. Im a size 10 and did ask if he still liked my body etc he insists Im perfect I just dont get it.

I honestly love him more than anyone, it was love at first site and bar this sex issue he is a wonderful caring man. He does hold hands with me and cuddle etc I hate that its bothering me so much and am worried about how our relationship will fair, we are planning on getting married next year but the more our sex life deteriorates the more worried I am about our future.

Thanks again

'bar this sex issue'.... Some slight incompatibilities in a relationship are normal but, when it comes to sexual differences, something that's a minor irritant now can really become a serious problem down the line.

You're really going to have to talk but choose your words carefully. Whatever the reason for the dip in his sex drive, any pressure or criticism is only going to make it worse. The angle I suggest is to say that you miss intimacy and would like you to get closer as a couple. The technique I would suggest is that you ban 'PIV' completely for a time. Remain physically intimate but if the problem has any element of anxiety then it might be more relaxing if everyone knows that kissing and cuddling is as far as it's going to go for a while.

It isn't age- related. My DH is 35 and loves sex and physical contact with me- at least every other day. However, I once had a relationship with someone 10 years older than me who wasn't very sexual. He was fine at the start but within about 6 months it was as if he just could not be bothered. He always had an excuse.

Turned out it was just how he was- after 2 years of me blaming myself and dieting, trying to interest him in bed etc. His 'default' sex setting was about once a month, he toldme it always had been. Mine is 3 or 4 times a week. I couldn't cope with him and we split up.

I think it depends how i portant physical intimacy is to you. I like hugs and kisses and being held and touched- never mind the sex. He wasn't really into any of that. DH holds my hand or puts his arm around me when we are watching the TV. We hae at least one proper kiss and cuddle a day. I know it sounds silly but it is important to both of us. His hugs can make my whole day better!

Thanks Lulu I have to say thats what worries me, If I could Id have sex everyday and I have started to consider dieting, getting a fake tan etc to see if its me.

I've read that sex releases a bonding hormone in women, and thats why its so important to us, it helps us to feel connected. Thats what I like about it, I like feeling close. I sort of feel like, if we dont have sex we might as well be best friends and nothing more it's not what I want but Im starting to feel like I won't be able to get him to change but I also feel like lack of sex would be a silly reason to end it when im so happy with all the other aspects, its just v confusing

It isn't you. He has a low libido. Most people when in a new relationship will have a lot of sex even if they have a low libido. Its the thrill of the new and the need to impress.

But make no mistake, this is his normal.

Certainly I think this needs to be addressed before you plan marriage. To be blunt, nothing is going to change just cos you throw a party and eat some fruitcake. Thats not what happens. The relationship you have prior to the day is precisely the relationship you have the day after, in every detail.

A lot of people have decent sex lives once a week. But yours isn't decent. Its not even how often you do it, its how crap it is when it occurs. I suspect if he rocked your socks you wouldn't feel quite so lousy.

Not sure how he can extrapolate "I'm old" as an excuse for no foreplay. That would be an interesting conversation for sure.

Have you addressed just the frequency? Or have you also addressed the briefness and how little you feel he wants to satisfy you?

I have spoken to him about the frequency rather than the quality because I thought the latter could be a bit of a bigger blow to his confidence.

Perhaps if I stop initiating it and see what happens, I wondered last night after talking to you guys maybe its because I make all the effort he just feels like he doesn't need to try?

What would he do if you made Saturday mornings into something more than 10 mins? Would he respond or just want what he usually does?

Hi, I was going to name change for this post, but sod it! I've nothing to be ashamed of.

My DH is the same, always has been. He is 10 years older than me and at first I put it down to that but I'm his 4th wife and I couldn't understand why his other wives had had affairs and left him. I do now. He has never really been interested in sex and its soul destroying. It has effected my self esteem and I have suffered badly from depression which I don't think is a coincidence. Several years on nothing has improved and once a month/two months is the norm for us. To be fair to him, when he does get in the mood he makes a huge effort to satisfy but its just not often enough for me (would be happy with once a week probably).
You will either have to accept that is how he is or make plans to separate but don't blame yourself either way.

in denial about some kind of issue of his (not sackable, but he needs to face up to whatever it is, pronto.)

Hardly. He may just have a low sex drive. People are different.

Of course, he could have "an issue" but mere compatibility could be the issue.

He may just have a very low sex drive and there is nothing wrong with that. He could on the other hand have very low testosterone levels and it might be worth asking his doctor to check. It's quite a sad situation really. I can't imagine that he is going to change (unless it is low testosterone) and you will may well have to decide if you can cope with this sexual incompatibility for the foreseeable future.

Thanks for the replies, I think I will try and talk to him again and see what happens, I dont want to leave, I love him but to Judy's point I can actually see that in this kind of situation you could end up cheating - which really upsets me because Im definitely not a cheat, Ive never cheated, I think I'd leave before I did that.

Perhaps it is a testosterone issue, he did joke (albeit in a quite cynical way) that perhaps he needed viagra when I mentioned it last time :(