DP wants to get married...

[5446]

...I'm not sure.

NC for this. DP is 30, I'm 25 - been together for five years, very happy. Always thought I would marry him and in the past year or so, we've been discussing it hypothetically more and more.

He was born in one country and grew up in another, with citizenship for both. I'm British. Last two years, we've lived in Asia. DP has now got a fantastic job in his birth country and I am due to follow in a couple of months.

I am shitting it. It's got a "dangerous" reputation and we will be living in quite an isolated part. I have managed to build a decent life for myself in Asian country but know that DP's new job is a fantastic opportunity and could be the catalyst for his entire career. My plan was to take 4-5 months break, start studying then find a job. This was one of the conditions of us moving there.

Problem is now, it looks like we will have to be married to allow me to live and work there. DP has been pretty blasé about this and said that in his eyes, we are already pretty much married, so this would be confirming it.

I think I just thought we would have a couple more years until we did - and then it would be through choice, and not necessity. Compounded with the fact that I am not totally keen on moving to the new country...

The thought of being married right now does scare me a little. I just need a crystal ball or some wise MNetters to help me work my brain out!

For god's sake don't marry him if you have even the tiniest doubt! Maybe his life won't change much if you marry but there's a high risk yours will. Also don't move to another country unless you're thrilled to be going.

I don't think you need a crystal ball, you need to listen to your gut.

It's not what you call romantic is it? Getting hitched to secure a job offer... Don't get married if you have doubts and also... don't relocate to a 'dangerous' country where unmarried women aren't welcome. Sounds backward.

Sounds like much of the non Western world!

Don't do it if it feels wrong.
Don't do it if the country bothers you.
Don't do it if he says 'If you loved me you would' - mainly because if he loved you he wouldn't ask you to do something that felt wrong/bothered you!

But do talk it through. Go out on a long holiday, maybe. Experience it before you refuse it, if possible.

It can work.

My husband did something similar married me to join me on my adventures) and we have a very happy marriage.

"Getting hitched to secure a job offer"- did I miss something? I doubt if the bloke needs to be married to work there. It's just an easy way into the country for OP.

PS. My husband never wanted to move to my country and indeed loathes the place, but lived there with me for about two years because it was necessary for my career.

We wouldn't be getting hitched to secure a job offer. DP is already working there in a great job he is enjoying. He is also a citizen of that country. Like purple says, it's more of a case of getting me over there.

If this was in 18 months/2 years time, no issue - we would just get married. But the past few months have had a lot of upheaval for me and I would just want to be settled first for a year or so, without this added pressure.

Both of us are a hell of a lot more practical rather than romantic. It's not a doubt about marrying him at all, more the situation we find ourselves in.

He works in a very niche area and he has been studying to move out of this niche area into more of a generalist area, where there are more jobs and more stability. This job is the only one he found after a year of searching which allows him to combine the niche and generalist, moving more towards generalist. After a couple of years, he has said he will move to the country of my choice, buy a house etc. It's just these two years from now.

Looks like we have some tough decisions ahead of us. Marriage right now doesn't feel right, moving there will be an adventure and to be honest, work here has completely drained me, so would be good to take a break for a couple of months.

Did he actually discuss any of this before plunging ahead, taking the job, etc? Do some research? Because it seems that, in the interest of pursuing his career, he's presented you with a pretty bleak choice to either marry when you're not ready or live apart for 2 years. I can't believe, after a whole year of searching, that he didn't realise you could only join him in this country if you were a DW. Seems to be making some very big assumptions on your behalf.

He looked for a year in Asia and Australia for roles, but everyone said the same thing - that he needs experience in that particular area.

My main argument to him is that he has just not considered me at all in his ambition. His argument is that in two years, I will be able to live where I want to live. However, I would never consider moving to a country where I knew he couldn't live easily, get a job etc. He has already gone ahead and done it.

All the information online says I can join him as a DP - however immigration rules there have tightened up considerably in the past six months.

I feel a bit stuck. He did get a bit carried away with this - his ego got flattered and they flashed the cash around. We went over for a holiday there about 3 months ago to see what it was like, with the idea of sitting down after and considering it. I said I would go for initially six months - on the condition that I could work AND we would leave quickly if I hated it.

He moved there 2 weeks after we came back. I am honestly debating just staying in England when I move back from Asia, but then I would probably feel like I haven't given it a fair shot etc.

It's bad when you discover that you are low down in your partner's priorities. He's assumed you'd just say yes to marriage - problem solved, box ticked - and doesn't seem to have considered that you might object. Ambition is all well and good but you have to take people along with you or it's just disrespectful and inconsiderate. Neither of which are appealing character traits in a long term partner. I wonder if this isn't one of those 'true colours' moments...

He's not the greatest communicator or focused on details. He is just very laidback and assumes things get sorted. Mainly because he grew up with a DM who was SAHM and did absolutely everything for him.

My DParents were and are very equal in their partnership and have turned down jobs etc because it wasn't right for the other. I've made it clear that this is how it should be and what I expect - I feel like he has just smiled, patted me on the head and then just carried on anyway.

Spoke to him earlier and he was so apologetic, telling me that he understands why I feel this way, that he did make massive assumptions and got caught up by things. He said that he loves it there and he just thought I would too.

He is trying. I think I need to give him a little longer to come up with solutions to me moving over there that don't involved marriage right now.

I do believe him when he says that he didn't realise how low I was feeling (I have a lot of other things going on right now with family, work, health etc).

I am hoping that this is a less of a true colours moment and more of a wake up call to both of us (but mainly him) to be kinder to each other, communicate more and for him to ultimately not be so selfish.

Sorry for the very long messages, I have no other support network right now and have a tendency to keep things very bottle up otherwise.

Write as much as you need to. :) The dilemmas you've got are all pretty big life-changing decisions and more people should give them the level of thought that you're doing. 'Hope' is a great thing but do be careful. If you choose to be with someone, assume they are not going to change personality rather than hoping they'll see the light, behave differently, be kinder, moderate their attitude etc. Decide if you want to be with the person they actually are rather than the person you would like them to become.

I'm trying to stick to my guns and not lose sight of me. Whilst also trying to be fair to us as a couple.

I've always been a worrier and thought too much about everything. Even as a child, I would lie awake at night thinking through 99 different scenarios that would never happen.

I plan things, that is my nature. I consider everything. Sometimes I wish I could be more spontaneous and just say fuck it, let's give it a go, like DP does.

You've given me a lot of food for thought, things I haven't considered that I have brought up with DP. I think I now need to be a bit patient but have a contingency plan that looks out for me if it does go tits up.

Just need to be a bit more brave.

Listen to your gut.

I've learned to trust mine. Unfortunately it's a lesson I learnt the hard way as I drowned out my gut voice.

often we know what we want but sometimes we don't feel that we have the right to have those feelings!? like, how dare I turn down this nice man (or something like that).

Listen to your gut telling you that you do not want to do this. You don't ahve to do anything you don't wnat to do.

This country wouldnt be Qatar by any chance would it?

I wouldn't marry him now, OP, and I don't think you're overthinking it or being cautious, or a 'worrier'. This is your life and career, not some little side issue.

I've also lived in situations where we have lived in different countries to one another for work and followed one another around for work (though DH and I are from the same country), but it can only work if you are a genuinely egalitarian partnership, and yours sounds currently very lopsided. I followed DH to the ME, but hated it, and couldn't find a decent job in my field, so he returned with me. It's telling that you discussed one thing and your DH went off and did another with no consultation, and I think - for all his talk about where you can live in a couple of years - that might well worsen if you went to live in his home country where his job is, with you as the 'trailing spouse'. He may get offered a fabulous senior role there - then what about you? He seems unable to think beyond his own ambition, and as the professional stakes get higher, do you have any real reason to think that will change?

Honestly, I knew so many unhappy trailing wives in the ME, who'd gone out, supposedly for a year or two, but got trapped, with their husbands pointing out it would be mad to go home when the opportunities (for him) were so much greater than elsewhere.

Think very carefully, and dint feel any pressure to throw caution to the winds. If you move to England now, do you think he will move back to join you in two years?

My gut is telling me that he is a good man. This is the first time he has ever appeared even slightly selfish. But my gut is also saying to watch this, see if it is just a one-off etc.

It's not Qatar, it's South Africa. Which is why I am convinced that his company have it wrong and I can move over there without getting married.

I was at university when we met so he has always had a career whilst I have been finding my feet which is why I feel that it is lopsided and I'm not getting the opportunity to build a career and even it out. I am starting a Masters soon which should help me in that direction though.

I'm going to take my time with this. My gut (and you very lovely people) are telling me not to rush and to be cautious. I have enough money to live off and somewhere to stay for the foreseeable future. I don't have to make a decision in all honesty for months.

I think he would move to join me. However it would mean a lot of planning on my behalf and only if it was easy to slot into a life there. So I am asking the same of him in SA.

From wikipedia:

"Partners or spouses of South Africans or permanent residency holders are often encouraged to apply for a life partnership or spouse permit. Business, work or study endorsements can be added to this permit."

Sounds like being married wouldn't make a huge difference, but you may find out differently.