Don't want to be a single mum, but now feel I have no other choice...

[Dom13]

I'm married 10 years, we have 2 young children (primary school age). The first time my husband cheated on me was approx. 8 years ago, just after we had our second child. It wasn't a drunken moment, it was a work colleague and they booked a hotel room in advance to meet up.
Can't remember how exatly I found out, but he insisted it was a one off. He begged me to stay and promised me to change,etc... I did stay. But from then on it all changed. I could never forget what he did to me. We started counselling but then we had to stop because he was made reduntant. So we couldn't afford it any longer.. also he said he doesn't like the counsellor...Anyway we did try and fully concentrated on raising our kids. But the wound that was caused inside me never healed... With every arguement this subject came up. I didn't want to be close to him anymore..
Approx 1 year ago I had again some strange feeling that something is up. When I managed to check his phone I found petty obvious text messages (of deep love and sexual nature) to another woman. Again a work colleague. I thought that's it. I want to separate. Throw him out of the house, I was so angry.
The problem was because our mortgage was so high he could not afford to live somewhere else. So after a while of many discussion i decided to give one last shot to make everything right. We decided mostly of our problems have been caused by the financial straints we had over the past years. Therfore we decided to sell the house, downsize and give live a total new start.
We did it, sold the house, 3 months ago moved into our new smaller house, freed up some cash and now have only half the mortage.
Live was getting better. The relationship issue so far haven;t really been touched, let alone solved. But I stupidly thought once we settled in we can concentrate on that..
Well last Friday I check his phone, which he normally always locks wih a PIN, which I always found suspicious. Anyway, I got the PIN and logged in while he was asleep on sofa after he came hoem from another late night inthe office.
Guess what I found. Similar messages like a year ago with the same women. He denies everything. He said that was just him beiing stupid. Needing some ventile and making silly comments with his colleague. They are just mates and nothing has ever happened on a physical basis.

But in my eyes those mesages are very clear. Very clear on how much they love each other, etc. And also of very clear sexual nature too.

Something I would never write to someone just like that....
So what do I do now? I'm so hurt. I feel so betrayed, even if there wasn't any physical cheating, but he knew he had his last chance and he couldn't stop it.

Let alone that I have no idea what was going on between those two since last year to now. I can't believe that it has stopped and I just only found the first messages the first time I check his phone since a year ago...

I doont' want to be a single mom. I have no family in this country. But I also can't go back home because of the kids and he would never agree to this. I fell I'm imprisoned by a man who onvce loved me and made me move to the UK 13 years ago.

But on the other side I can't live with such a man any longer.

Please help? What do I do?

I can't live with such a man any longer.

Listen to what your inner voice is telling you.
This is a heart-wrenching moment to go through, again, and change is always frightening, and difficult. But you can cope as main carer on your own: you are completely up to the task. And once you no longer have the emotional drain of a husband you cannot trust, you will probably find that you will even thrive, in time.

I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time, and I wish you peace and strength.

I'm sorry you're married to a cheat. I understand completely that you don't want to be a lone parent - that's not what you intended when you got married, I'm sure. However, sometimes the best intentions come to nothing and you're left with choices you don't like due to circumstances beyond your control.

I'm a lone parent and whilst it can be challenging at times, it can also be very rewarding. It's certainly a lot more pleasant and fulfilling than wasting time living with someone who insults your intelligence and who you can't trust.

I'd strongly recommend you get legal advice and start thinking seriously about the implications of separation and divorce. I'm sorry your family are far away but do you have friends you can talk to? People you work with?

I don't think most people set out to be a single parent. I'm one after my ex's ex turned up at our house with cocaine at his request at 10am when our DD was just 6 weeks old. I loved him but after several cheating incidents, enough was enough. My daughter deserved better.

My dad was a cheat and for various reasons, my mum repeatedly forgave him. Both my and my brother caught him at it on separate occasions. This wouldn't have happened if my mum had bitten the bullet one of the first half dozen times and got rid of him. It really is horrible to catch a parent cheating, so please think about that scenario.

Being a single parent isn't as horrible as I'd made it out in my head. It's tough, don't get me wrong but once you're in the swing of things, you start to notice some unexpected perks.

Your OH obviously is still seeing this other woman. His actions are telling you how he feels about you. Don't let his words paint his actions into insignificance.

Thanks for you uplifting comments. It's good really good to hear :-)
Yes, I have friends and colleagues I can talk to...I haven't told anyone yet of the latest though.. All my friends that are aware of our situation have always stood by me and encouraged me... but I'm not sure if I can or want to bother them again for now with the same old shit that happened exactly a year ago. First I really need to clear my head and make a decision what I want in the future.
I have today already contacted a solicitor and made an appointment. I guess it's a first step into the right direction.
Also made an appointment today with a counsellor for next week. I had contacted her last month for partner counselling, but my husband never really even read my email and got back with dates he could do. So now I just have them for myself.

I think you've done what my friend calls 'crossing a mental bridge' by making the appointments etc. and you'll be OK. Once you're picking up the phone and making things happen, I think you're half-way there. Friends shouldn't judge you in the circumstances. Ending a marriage is a very serious change that isn't done lightly and it can often take a few false starts before it actually happens for real. So do talk to people for support. People generally want to help.

Glad you're having counselling as well. It might help the transition.

In my experience, friends and family were sick of hearing it all when I was repeatedly forgiving it then asking them to behave normally towards him. When I finally left I had fantastic support...everyone really pulled together to help me set up a new life.

I know being a single mum is not ideal, but you deserve better and you'd be amazed how things turn out a good friend of mine was cheated on when she was pregnant her partner left her when her baby was 9 days old with no support at the time she thought it was the worst thing that could have happened but a year later she is engaged to another loving wonderful man who had a daughter and who is helping her raise her daughter and she now has a new fantastic family unit.
I know its tough but you deserve happiness, staying with him won't solve anything I know you never thought you'd be a single mum but you probably never wanted to feel trapped and unhappy either - take a leap you can do it

3 times he's betrayed you now ?

he's never going to stop, love. Not ever.

Any decisions you make now should have that fact at the forefront of your mind

Thanks guys, reading your comments really helps and makes me feel much better.

I've started telling my friends and my mother last night. They all backing me up.
What really winds me up that he does not show any remorse or urge to talk to me. And I'm tired of making the first step to talk. Have tried it more than enough and I got no more to say.

If he doesn't show any remorse or attempts at reconciliation it's probably a sign that you've made the right decision. Glad your friends and family are supportive. Good luck

Good luck Dom xx