Old regrets

[daisychainmail]

I'm looking for advice on how to deal with some very strange regrets I have about a past non-relationship. I'm happily married with young children now so not looking to make any practical changes, but I have something that weirdly weighs on my mind from the past and I wish it didn't. I'm a very honest person and have only had three long relationships including my current DH. My first relationship was from when I was a teenager. I think about this often and can't put it to rest.

My middle relationship (in my 20s) was with a very nice man and lasted 5 years but I'm only now realising it was a farce. I'll call this ex Eddie. A few months before meeting Eddie I had met someone else who I fell head over heels in love with, on sight. We were slowly getting to know each other in a circle of friends and would have ended up together but for the fact I got together with Eddie. I slowed down the other relationship and we remained acquaintances but through circumstances we got to know each other better from a distance over the years and really would have been very happy together. I was open with my friends and at the time of getting together with Eddie I was very worried that I was actually in love with this other guy. Then during the relationship I often worried I was in the wrong situation. My friends told me not to be silly -- Eddie was lovely, really lovely. The other guy was an unknown, etc.

Eventually the whole relationship ended for other reasons and then I soon after met my DH, who is easily the very best man I have ever met and I cannot imagine being more deeply in love.

However I mourn the lost patch of my 20s and the choice of the wrong person. I can be very slow to see what's going on sometimes and didn't see what I can now, that I should have followed my instincts. It feels like a stunted phase, a sad decision, and a missed opportunity for love and happiness in my past.

Does anyone have any advice on how to recover from this upset and how to put it behind me?

I should have made this a bit clearer. If anyone knows any books about this / ideas for thinking about it more productively I would be very grateful.

What would life be without memories of 'the one that got away' to think about and keep you warm when the nights draw in? :) So you jumped the wrong way. You were in two minds at the time, took a 50/50 shot on Steady Eddie and he turned out to be the duffer. What's to say Mr Head Over Heels wouldn't have turned out to be a complete stinker if you'd gone for him? I would tell myself that there was a reason I didn't pursue it and that it was my sixth sense keeping me safe.

OR

You could go the more risky route and look Mr Head Over Heels up on Facebook. With any luck he's bald, paunchy and skint rather than gorgeous, minted and CEO of a FTSE 100 company. :)

Regret is the worst of emotions, it has no redeeming qualities whatsoever, we all feel regret, some big, some small but I found the best way to deal with it is to actively control it.
I have a jar that I keep pound coins in, every time I feel that horrible pang I immediately stop what I'm doing, get my purse and put a £1 coin into the box, at the end of the month I take whatever money is in it and buy a nice treat with the money. Maybe you could do something similar and save up and treat your DH to something! That way the time you spent with Eddie wasn't really wasted, its helped enrich your marriage instead like most things, its a just a matter of perspective...

You are right - and partly it's just about getting older and realising that you can't have that time again. I like the idea about the jar. At least I will have good advice for my daughter.

Cogito: he does look quite a bit older but alas still has that je ne sais quoi

In your 20s you chose between A & B and chose B, then you chose C, as you never tried A of course he still has some allure.

I don't really see B (Eddie) as a wrong choice, just one that didn't last, you may have had the same experience with guy A and now be pining for Eddie... Or you might still be with guy A and pining for C - your current husband wondering what would have happened if...

Everyone has choices and we can't marry all the people we could love. Regret is a choice too and you can choose to have none if you want...

Are you saying you still see him around? Or have you already FB-stalked him?

He works in my field, so I see him perhaps once a year.

You said you were an 'honest' person originally which was either a typo or an odd way to phrase it. You also seem desperate to convince us (and possibly yourself) that you REALLY love your dream husband. Is what you're really saying that you still have a crush on this guy and it's bothering you?

No - I just feel like a plonker for belatedly working out how the world works.

How does the world work?

Just that if something seems good, it probably is. If something seems a compromise, it probably is. Etc.

Basically I'm ashamed I lived for 5 years with someone I didn't really love. But there's worse things!

So basically you regret not shagging the other bloke when you had the chance?

That's fair enough. Making a lifetime commitment to one man is a daunting thought even when you love them as much as you say you love your DH. I think we all have a few "What ifs?" tucked away.

Try not regret choices you made in the past tho. Regret is an utterly wasted emotion, and also if you hadn't have taken the path you did who's to say you would have ended up in the same (right) place.

I agree with the PP. Mistakes happen, we make bad choices, squander opportunities etc and spending too long wishing things had happened differently is a very pointless & mood-reducing waste of energy . You probably had good reasons at the time for staying 5 years with the someone you didn't really love.... doubt it was malicious or a cause for shame

Thanks ladies, what nice and sage comments. I do actually feel better after reading them. Mumsnet can work!