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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

First post! Really could do with advice..

23 replies

Purplegirl123 · 27/10/2014 11:53

Hi everyone! I'm new here and could do with advice.. Me and my partner have been together nearly 2 years (I'm 29 he's 39) Generally speaking he's very caring, and we live together. Things were great for the first few months but the sex side of things has gone downhill for me.. I have a really high sex drive and could have sex every day if I could.. At the moment it's once a week/every 2 weeks and it feels like he wants it to be over as soon as possible.. I can't come through penetration alone and usually need a vibrator/rubbing or something... This is frustrating enough for me but I feel like I have to rush to come :-( we don't kiss as much as I'd like (I love kissing) and I always have to initiate sex..! It's also "rough" every time we have sex which I don't mind much but, it's always over within a few minutes and half the time I don't get chance to come. He doesn't look at me, or make any eye contact during sex either, something else I really like. Maybe he just feels awkward about doing this, I'm not sure..
There is another thing; last year we went on a camping trip with his mate, his gf and some of her mates. At one point the girls were throwing water around and one said something about being wet and he turned to his mate and said "my pants are always wet" at the time I didn't know whether to laugh along with it (I was sat right in front of him) which might have shown that I had great self esteem.. Or to sulk and be angry about it (which is what I did) I actually ended up crying! :-/ he apologised for it but every time we have a little argument or something the stupid camping trip pops back into my head...
In terms of sex I've tried dressing up a few times (I'm a size 8 and my figure is ok) and generally I get a "no" or get ignored.. I really want to experiment sexually (watch porn, try new positions) and when I tell him he promises we will try these things but they never end up happening :-(
I feel like my self esteem is battered!!! I feel like a shell of a person and I don't know what to do... I would appreciate any advice xx

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 27/10/2014 11:58

So he's crap in bed, your self-esteem feels 'battered' and you feel like a 'shell of a person', what's in this relationship for you?

Original poster

Purplegirl123 · 27/10/2014 12:01

I should add that (not sure how to edit the post) we've talked about marriage and kids ... And I feel like I'd be throwing these things away if I left. He says he loves me and I really like to be told this! Except he tells me maybe once a month! Sorry to sound so scatterbrained my head just feels like a mess at the min..xx

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 27/10/2014 12:04

Why do you want to marry someone who's crap in bed and makes you feel like shit? Do you want this for the rest of your life?

You wouldn't be throwing marriage and kids away if you left, just marriage and kids with the wrong man.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/10/2014 12:12

Two years is time enough to see someone in their true colours. If you don't like what you see, if the sex is crap, if your self-esteem is battered and all the rest then end the relationship. It's not throwing anything away to say it's not working out. Saying 'I love you' means nothing if you're unhappy.

We all make mistakes and he doesn't have to be a bad person to be the wrong person. You may think that, because you're nearly 30, you should settle for marriage and kids with this guy rather that start fresh.... I don't know. But planning a future when things are this bad sounds like an extraordinarily bad idea.

Original poster

Purplegirl123 · 27/10/2014 12:18

Can I ask what you would do in this situation? Would you keep trying/forgive him or leave..? I just feel like I'm the one in the wrong and if I did suggest leaving he'd tell me that I'm the one being stupid..

OP posts:

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 27/10/2014 12:24

You don't sound compatible. I would leave and find someone else.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/10/2014 12:24

If you'd been married 20 years had a mortgage and three kids, and the problems were relatively recent the advice might be to give it another try and see if there was anything to salvage. As you've only been together 2 years, no kids, no marriage etc., I think it's best to cut your losses. All the time you're wasting with this guy, trying harder and investing emotion in him that isn't reciprocated, you could be out there meeting someone new who is a lot more compatible. Or better still..... gloriously and happily independent!

You don't need his permission to end it. If he calls you 'stupid' for wanting better, it would vindicate your decision.

GoatsDoRoam · 27/10/2014 12:35

So f'ing what if he thinks you'd be in the wrong for wanting to leave? You don't need his or anyone's blessing to leave a relationship that you are not happy with.

Look: no-one enjoys being dumped. He won't either. Doesn't mean you should keep on making yourself miserable for a few more years in order to spare his feelings. He will get over it eventually, I promise.

Original poster

Purplegirl123 · 27/10/2014 12:44

Thanks for the messages. I suppose it's not that easy just to get up and leave as I have very few friends and hardly any family.. I know I'd be house sharing if I did leave which I hate!! But I have a few thousand in savings.. So I could get by (I'd have to leave my job as I would like to return to my hometown and I moved miles away to be with him)
I've actually always wanted to move to New Zealand on a working visa... This would be my plan but, everything is so scary when you're alone. :-/

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 27/10/2014 12:46

What would I do? I'd just leave. So what if he says you're stupid? All the more reason to go frankly. He's not the one putting up with crap sex...

GoatsDoRoam · 27/10/2014 12:48

Oh you have a personal dream! Excellent. Make moving to New Zealand your goal; it will fill the void left by the relationship. And it will make house-sharing for a little while more tolerable, when you know you are moving on to better and more exciting things.

Twinklestein · 27/10/2014 12:48

xpost - perhaps you should work on building up friendships so that you have a support network around you... it makes life easier if relationships goes wrong.

TheGonnagle · 27/10/2014 12:51

Crap sex, crap relationship and the chance to get away, start afresh and follow your dreams? Or marriage and kids with a man that has ruined your self esteem and makes you feel shit? What exactly is your dilemma?
Go, book your flight and live your life!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/10/2014 12:58

When you get to the end of your life you may or may not regret the mistakes you made. However, you absolutely will regret the opportunities you passed up.

Scary just means you're taking a chance. And when you get to NZ you won't be alone for long :)

wigglylines · 27/10/2014 13:13

What's more scary? Taking a chance and going off on your own to find new experiences, meet new people and experience an amazing country (I've been there, I'd jump at a chance to go back).

Or staying in a relationship with a man who has no respect for you, your needs or desires, getting slowly more and more miserable as time passes. Having children with him, and realising too late you should have left while you had the chance. Watching your children be affected by the problems in your relationship. Either getting divorced when it finally gets too much to bear, or realising in old age that you wasted your life?

If this is what it's like 2 years in, it's not going to change.

Go back to your hometown; look up any friends you still have there. Get a job, and start plotting your trip to New Zealand.

JaceyBee · 27/10/2014 13:52

Oh my god go! Honestly, if the sex has been crap after only the first couple of months it will NEVER get any better. He doesn't care whether you cum or not! He doesn't engage with you intimately at all, just treats you like a fucking blow up doll. You're wasted on him, seriously!

I know change is scary but fear is not a reason to stay in a poor relationship. He may be fine in other respects but if good sex is important to you (and why wouldn't it be?) then the two of you are incompatible. Use your lack of ties and responsibilities to your advantage and have a fantastic adventure in NZ! Do it!

Lottapianos · 27/10/2014 13:58

Go for it OP. What on earth would you stay with a man like that for? It sounds like this relationship is making you feel awful and things will only get worse the longer you stay with him. Nothing you describe about the relationship is healthy and you don't have to put up with it.

Follow your dream. When you are free of this man, you will be amazed how much fun you will have. Don't settle for a boring miserable life.

whyMe2014 · 27/10/2014 13:59

Get out now. Don't wait - run to New Zealand.

My stbxh left me and my two children in August - found out he had an OW in September and he's now moved to be with her.

We had been together 23 years and married for 14.

He's been emotionally and financially abusive.

However, he left me in 1998 and I took him back after 6 months. When I look back I did have doubts.

Please listen to the inner you - you know what you should do.

Pandora37 · 27/10/2014 14:14

Oh please don't give up your dreams for this man. Go to NZ, how exciting! If the sex is this bad now, can you imagine what it would be like after you had children? Probably non-existent. I think if you stay with him the resentment will build up more and more so your relationship will be destroyed anyway. He may well be a nice person and could have made a good father but you're just not compatible with each other sexually, and that's really important. Especially as the first couple of years should be the honeymoon period where you're all over each other and I'm afraid it just doesn't bode well at all. You may decide that he's worth living a practically celibate life for but I think you'll be very unhappy.

He's not the only man out there who could make a good husband and father. And if he tells you you're stupid for leaving, well it's his right to think that but you're not at all. You're only 29 and beautiful, you shouldn't have to be pestering your boyfriend to experiment sexually with you, that's really depressing. Now get out there, go to NZ and find a hot Kiwi man you can shag like bunnies with.

Vivacia · 27/10/2014 14:37

I think he's probably already watching porn.

When he made the comment at the camp site, was it about him or you that was the subject of the remark?

Original poster

Purplegirl123 · 27/10/2014 14:52

Thanks so much for the replies.. Vivacia the comment was about another girl that was with us, but he directed the comment to his (male) mate. He said it was "just banter" but I was stood right there and was so embarrassed I just wanted to crawl into a hole. I will never forget it even if we finish. My self esteem hasn't been the same. I appreciate it was just banter....but in front of your girlfriend? Is it a lack of respect? I'm not sure..

OP posts:

Vivacia · 27/10/2014 14:58

It wasn't banter if it was about someone else. It was disrespectful to everyone there.

DollStar · 27/10/2014 22:04

Follow your dream in NZ.

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