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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Has this gone to far

28 replies

ilovevino · 27/10/2014 09:33

This is my first post but i am a regular lurker here and wondered if you lovely people could help me.

Basically i have been with my partner for 5 years he has 3 DC. Oldest from one relationship and two from a second. The first DS has always been involved in his life the other 2 have just come into his life in may, 2nd DS is 6 and DD is 7. He had no proper contact with these children before may........(once for 6 months around 3 years ago) Mother is a cow and i guess he was too lazy to pursue it.
We started having them overnight straight away, which i found strange as they didn't even know us, this happens two nights a week. The problems have started as he will change days without telling me so i can never make plans as i never know when they are going to be here, he told me he wants me to be involved in setting the days as he could see this was upsetting me so told me to text the mother but she doesn't reply! Its now got to the point where the children are here a lot and as i work full time (i have no children of my own) we have no time together at all. This has caused serious arguments as i feel like i'm being pushed out. We used to have the first DS over a couple of nights a week with no problem as we had set days and everyone knows where they stand.

Last night we had a huge row which has been brewing since friday. Friday is normally his night to have them and as it was my friends birthday and i thought it would be a good excuse to get away from the mayhem we went for a meal, i told him this thurs eve..... so he changed the day he would have the kids to saturday! My partner is very jealous and dislikes all my friends and i know he did this to spite me and he knows i struggle with it all and sometimes i need to get out.......even if its to my mums for a cup of tea. He had them all weekend and dropped them back sun eve. I just feel so angry towards him as he went out with them all day and i was left at home. I started the row but it ended up getting really out of hand with him insulting my family and bringing up my ex from 19 years ago! i'm 38 btw. Anyway i ended up pushing him and he pushed me back, there was a bit of this going on and i ended up on the floor. It just sort of stopped, he calmed down but then came back in the room half an hour later and started again.......i ended up apologizing!!! This morning he's gone off somewhere, he's self employed so i never really know where he is, but i don't know what to do. My friends and family say go but i feel its my fault and perhaps i should try harder with the children but i'm a bit stubborn and feel like why should i when he treats me like this. Its a mess

OP posts:

GoatsDoRoam · 27/10/2014 10:00

Red flags:

My partner is very jealous and dislikes all my friends

= He is controlling and isolating you.

Mother is a cow and i guess he was too lazy to pursue it.

= He badmouths his exes, and was a deadbeat dad for years.

told me to text the mother but she doesn't reply

= He is using you to do his own work as a father.

Anyway i ended up pushing him and he pushed me back, there was a bit of this going on and i ended up on the floor.

= this is an unstable and violent relationship.

i feel its my fault and perhaps i should try harder

= You feel that the relationship, and his behaviour in it as well as yours, are down to your responsibility.

Just leave. Leave leave leave leave. This relationship is no good.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/10/2014 10:15

Sounds horrible all round. Suspect it went 'too far' quite some time ago but you've kept lowering the bar in the hope that something would miraculously get better. I'm sad that you still seem to be taking the blame and feeling guilty, because your self-esteem already sounded smashed to pieces. You still think things could improve if you were a better person in some way and that, I'm afraid, is the trap of all abusive relationships.

Do listen to your friends, family and others that actually love you. You don't deserve this treatment, it's no life and there is a better life for you if you ask for help.

Womens Aid 0808 2000 247

SolidGoldBrass · 27/10/2014 10:18

Get away from this knob before he impregnates you and moves on to another impressionable girl. At least while you don't have any children with him you can cut him right out of your life and never see him again.

Original poster

ilovevino · 27/10/2014 11:08

thank you for the replies, it means a lot. I'm not the easiest person to live with , I'm highly strung and when i get something in my head i cant leave it alone......hence why we have been arguing so much! I used to have so much fun, I've always worked since i was 16, had my own house etc but now we live together my life is so different. I have never felt like i want kids (maybe with the right person) and told him this from day one......so how can someone expect you to take on all of this when he has only just accepted it himself and they are his kids! He's trying to be a perfect dad, taking them out, spending money etc when the rest of his life is a mess! We used to have a good relationship but i feel like I'm under so much stress at the moment, i have no problem with the children i just want a bit of stability and i know its boring but some routine.

OP posts:

Daria01 · 27/10/2014 11:50

I agree with Goats' post.

I can see why you are upset, as things have changed so drastically within 6 months, and it must be very difficult to adjust to. However, I think the main issue here is that your relationship is very unstable.

Why did he have to change the day/night he has his children, just to piss you off? And did this short notice not annoy the mum?
And this: "i know he did this to spite me and he knows i struggle with it all and sometimes i need to get out.......even if its to my mums for a cup of tea." He obviously enjoys making you feel upset and has little respect for these children, or their mother, to change plans in order to annoy you.

You say you started the argument, but from reading your post, I think many would have been inclined to raise the issue with their partner, if they felt things were being done out of spite. You have the right to know who will be in your home and when. You shouldn't have things sprung on you at the last minute. From your post, i understand that this is the issue, rather than you objecting to the presence of his children at all.

I think you really need to leave him OP. He hates your friends; slags off your family during an argument; does things to spite you and has proved to be a pretty useless father for the last 6/7 years. I'm sure you'd be much happier alone than with him. And in time, you may meet somebody who is far nicer.

Daria01 · 27/10/2014 11:50

i know he did this to spite me and he knows i struggle with it all and sometimes i need to get out.......even if its to my mums for a cup of tea

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/10/2014 12:05

Whether you're an easy person to live with or not, you are who you are. A partner should love you for who you are. Not resort to physical aggression, use you, block your friends and all the rest.

Original poster

ilovevino · 27/10/2014 12:45

My friend has offered me a room at her house, she's just gone through a break up herself so would love to have me there. I just feel like a failure! My partner is really attractive and nearly every woman has to mention how great he is and I'm so lucky.....which he loves! People are going to think I'm mental and a stupid cow for chucking it all away

OP posts:

GoatsDoRoam · 27/10/2014 12:49

Who cares what others think? You're not happy. It's your life. That's all that matters.

Original poster

ilovevino · 27/10/2014 13:00

I know..... You're 100% right! Just so hard, thought he was the one

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/10/2014 13:01

I bet his other exes and mothers of his various children thought he was great and they were lucky for a while too. There's a reason this man can't hold down a decent relationship ... and it almost certainly isn't the 'stupid cows' he damages along the way.

Your friend is offering you a golden opportunity. Hope you take it.

Original poster

ilovevino · 27/10/2014 13:10

He says the same about me, 38 no kids or marriage. I wanted to get married up until a few months ago but it's gone so wrong!

OP posts:

newstart15 · 27/10/2014 13:18

Being a step mum with 2 ex's is very tough on a relationship. It can only survive if your partner is able to deal with issues in an adult way by communicating and respecting the various people in his life. It really doesn't seem like he is capable of this. Good looks don't make a good relationship as he can have ugly traits.

It's not healthy to blame the ex's - he chose to have 2 children with his 2nd ex, at some stage he liked her! children need stability and if he really did change his night to spite you he really is a selfish immature twat that disrespects his ex, his children and you.

Don't see this as a loss, you are choosing to walk away from this relationship as it's toxic (I predict it will get worse) and doesn't make you happy.

It sounds like he will struggle to meet another sensible women who will put up with his chaotic life.

Original poster

ilovevino · 27/10/2014 13:21

Thank you newstart, I have told him its a lot to accept but he says " well I'm happy so why can't everyone else be!" His first ds struggled at first but he seems to be ok now. I hope he doesn't meet anyone else..... I wouldn't wish this on anyone!

OP posts:

FolkGirl · 27/10/2014 13:33

I might be being a bit thick (probably! ) but why did him changing the day and having his children over mean you couldn't go out for your friend's birthday?

Original poster

ilovevino · 27/10/2014 13:45

We decided to go on the Friday as he has the children, I thought it would be a good idea as it meant I could see my friends and get out while it was chaos at home, but he obviously thought that it was unfair that I would be out while he was at home so he changed it to the Saturday.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 27/10/2014 14:29

That's an absolute disgrace! Tbh 3 kids with 2 exs would be a deal breaker for me. Especially if I had no kids of my own! I would run for the hills if I were you (coming from a woman who has 3 dc!)

SolidGoldBrass · 27/10/2014 14:32

This man is a shit who hates women, and quite possibly psychopathic - they are often very goodlooking and charming. I also expect that you are younger than his previous partners, and the one after you will be younger still. Men like this often get away with abusing women for quite some time because they are good looking and can be charming. After a while, though, when the looks start to fade, they start having to make do with more and more desperate women, and finally no woman will touch them and they end up embittered and alone and it serves them right.

Original poster

ilovevino · 27/10/2014 14:36

He's 47, his exes are 48 and 50

OP posts:

JumpAndTwist · 27/10/2014 15:15

You said you had your own house and now you live together. Do you rent? Do you live in his house? Is your name on the deeds/rental agreement?

squitchey · 27/10/2014 15:48

"he told me he wants me to be involved in setting the days as he could see this was upsetting me so told me to text the mother but she doesn't reply!"

This is the first thing that jumped out at me from your post - this just isn't right, leaving aside all the other bad stuff you describe. It's his responsibility to talk to her and arrange things to suit everyone, not yours. I'm sure there are families in which a new partner might talk directly to their partner's ex to arrange visits, but for that to work there would have to be no tension, and there clearly is here.

If he knew it was upsetting you, he should have talked to you about it and then arranged it with her. My DP has two kids and is not on good terms with his ex, but I would never dream of texting her to arrange nights - they're his kids. They're welcome in our house, but it's down to him to sort it out. It sounds to me like he's abdicating responsibility and making it appear as if it's your problem.

Other people thinking your DP is wonderful is a terrible reason to stay with someone you know not to be wonderful.

Original poster

ilovevino · 27/10/2014 15:59

I have a house still but I rent it out and live in his property.

The texting thing was supposed to be to give me some control over the situation as I would come home and never know what was happening that night, that's all very well but she won't reply to me and only replies to him, to be honest I can't be bothered to sort his mess out now but at the same time he is just happy to have them when it suits him!

OP posts:

Annarose2014 · 27/10/2014 16:49

If I were her I wouldn't reply to you either - nothing personal, but she knows that she needs to deal with the other parent, not the girlfriend.

magoria · 27/10/2014 17:13

Everything Goat says.

This is one shitty relationship. Do you really want to be doing this for the next 5/10 more years?

Give your tenants notice and extract yourself from this shitty relationship.

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/10/2014 17:42

The texting thing was supposed to be to give me some control over the situation as I would come home and never know what was happening that night

It is not up to you to 'control' the situation. Sorry, it is and always will be his responsibility to arrange contact. I have been a step for 10 years and would never dream of sorting out contact time! The thing is, as a step, you have to work around it. Often I wouldn't be able to arrange holidays until his ex had sorted theirs but hey, that's life.

Changing the night he has his own kids just to stop you from going out whilst he has his kids...well, you should have gone on the Friday and gone out again on the Saturday.

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