My feelings aren't reciprocated - how do I resume the friendship?

[missmalteaser]

Took the bull by the horns last night and told my close male friend I had feelings for him beyond friendship. We had been seeing each other most nights and I was certain I had all the signs that pointed towards 'more than friends'. However, he says for him it is a special friendship and nothing more. He wants to carry on as we are, seeing each other all the time as friends, but I don't see how we can now this is out there. How can we move forward without it being awkward? I feel like maybe we should see each other less as this could be preventing me from meeting someone who doesn't just want to be friends. But i'm worried this will look like a bitter sore loser, withdrawing my friendship because the conversation didn't go my way. He has already text this morning saying 'Are you okay? Please don't feel awkward, it's the last thing i'd want'. Feeling like i've messed up a great friendship.

Why not just say that you value the friendship too, and would like to see him a bit less for as long as it takes.
Often it's proximity that creates these feelings anyway. Lose the proximity and you will be able to see his flaws for what they are (decent enough mechanism for changing how you feel, eventually).

Are you dating? Seeing other men who you fancy will also take the heat off this one a little. If we only have one "option" our stupid human brains tends to bizarrely convince us that there's nobody else that comes close. There are!

If he wants to be friends he should understand. In fact if that's all he wants I would be quite skeptical about why he'd insist on keeping so much contact (if he does, perhaps he won't). It's actually a really nasty feeling knowing someone you care about has romantic feelings for you when yours are platonic- he should be pretty motivated to get the distance you both need.

Do you want to keep the friendship?
If you do, why not just stop being available most nights rather than having a heavy conversation about it?

You know where you stand with him. It's up to you how you go on from here.

Seeing each other most nights? That sounds heavy for a friendship.

There is nothing wrong at all with having been honest about how you really feel. That took some balls. Well done!

But I do think things will have to change. You need to see other people - friends at least - because it is healthy and balanced. And very normal.

Why do you need to see this particular friend every night? Well, you fancy him so that's why but why does he need to see you every night?

Get out there. Get socialising. Broaden your social circle. Have fun with different people and be happy with them.

It can only be a good thing.

Thank you. I'm just worried that if I now distance myself then not only have I damaged the friendship because I read things wrong but it will look like i'm punishing him. Just want to get back to normal!

Well that normal doesn't sound normal, iyswim.

It sounds like a pre romance romancing imo. Little wonder you thought all the signs were there.

It can't be like that again.

But a less intense friendship doesn't mean a lesser friendship. You can be great pals and see each other one evening a week.

I promise you it will be a lot of fun getting out there and spreading your social wings.

Just be bright 'n' breezy and friendly with this guy and things will find a new normal.

And you're not punishing him! You're looking after yourself and it's not a good idea to isolate yourself with just one person. Ever.

I'm not surprised you misread the situation if you're seeing each other most nights!

I agree with all other posters - carry on being friendly with him just as you were before, but create physical distance...who knows, he might end up missing you and wanting more eventually.

You shouldn't worry about how your actions will appear to him. You should take the actions that are best for you.

If that means distance, then that means distance. Take care of your needs here.

I think you should step back a bit for two reasons, it all seems very intense for a friendship and also you need the space to find someone who would like to be in a relationship. If he asks why, just be honest-you'd like to meet someone and have a romantic relationship and that won't happen if you are together all the time. Plus remember if he meets someone else, you may also be dropped time-wise. Some guys just like to have a 'special friendship' as it is less demanding but they get pretty much all their needs met- I wouldn't promise that for the future as I can't see how this works for you, even if it works for him. A friendship is possible, but you do need to put your own needs first and worry less about hurting him.

You need to tell him the reason that you want to see less of him - it's not awkwardness, it's just that you value the friendship but think it's holding you back from meeting a romantic partner. If you're clear about it and he's a good friend, he won't think you're bitter.

I think you should step back. Long term I think you will be glad that you gave yourself space and time to get over him. I can understand that you don't want to lose the friendship and there is no reason why you should - but good friendships are not dependent on spending masses of time together.

As much as you may wish it, you can't just forget about your feelings and pretend they aren't there. Never mind about what he is thinking and feeling right now, you are the one you has been rejected here and you need to consider yourself and what you need first and foremost. So forget him, think about you and do what you need to do. The friendship will still be there when you are ready. If it isn't, then it wasn't a friendship that was meant to last.

Thanks all. I feel like he was the one who brought the conversation round to the subject of feelings - I took that as a cue, blurted it all out, then nothing! So frustrating!

I agree that this friendship needs to be less intense. Never make someone a priority, if they'll only make you an option. I don't think it ought to go back to normal...you're putting a lot of hours in for someone who does not share the depth of your feeling.
That's your cue to respect yourself and change things down a gear.

You seem more concerned about how you will look to him, rather than what is best for you. It is inevitable that your friendship will change now, that's normal.

And btw this happened to me once...same scenario with the full on time consuming friendship...I had every reason to imagine my feelings were reciprocated. When they weren't, I actually started to feel like he was a bit weird, having me as some sort of psuedo spouse until something more to his liking showed up.
I went right off him, and cut him loose.

I think he played you OP. I don't actually think this is a very healthy set up.

I love my friends but I wouldn't want to spend every single evening with them, let alone set them up to confess their feelings and then act all surprised. I think there is a bit of ego stroking going on here.

Back off to a comfortable level to you. Explain that you've spent so much time together it made you feel falsely romantic about him and you want a chance to explore other options.

BTW I'll just throw this out there: is there any chance he is gay? A friend of mine was in a similar situation, long story short the guy (divorced) really did love her but came out as gay shortly afterwards. He loved her at a soul level but not a sexual level. He acknowledged afterwards that it had been unfair to create such an intense dynamic between them and if he hadn't come out so soon afterwards she would have ended the friendship because she felt so led on. He just really, really enjoyed her company as she enjoyed his and he was truly regretful that he could not muster any kind of sexual feelings. I think he would have been tempted but his marriage had ended for similar reasons and wisely he realised it was time to be honest before anyone else got hurt.

I thought he might be gay too.

He's not gay. 100% sure on that. Thanks though.

Is there a special breed of man who does this, seeing a lot of a woman, raising her hopes, only to turn round and claim astonishment that she could think it a prelude to romance?

Been there, done that. He's done it with at least three other women too as far as I know, and is still single, 9 years down the line. He would still be flirting away with me too if I'd let him.

Anyway, its up to you. Personally I'd deliberately withdraw and maybe only see him once a fortnight or something. What do you do when you are seeing each other that often? Pub? Or visit each other's homes? Will you want to see him so much now anyway that its not a getting to know each other before you start a relationship kind of thing? Because what are you going to get out of giving someone that amount of attention?