Separation/Divorce - please help me to work this out

[HavingAnOffDAy]

Hi

I'll try not to drip feed so this may be long, I've also posted on here under the same username before.

H has been an arse throughout most of our marriage, always picking fault with me - name calling, flinching when I talk, no affection - and is very quick to lose his temper. Also very controlling with money. We've always had joint accounts but he scrutinises every penny I spend, huffs & puffs about any small amount etc. We're not badly off at all, both work full time in reasonably paying jobs.

Anyway, I've tried, over the years, to instigate conversations re separating as I've can see that this is no environment to raise DC (we have 2). He's always refused point blank to discuss, implied he'd cut contact with the DC, leave me penniless blah blah blah

I sought legal advice in early September after a particularly bad row, on the back of him behaving really badly on our family holiday.

Fast forward to 4 weeks a ago. He suddenly announces that's I'm right, our marriage isn't a happy one, no good for kids, etc. I was shocked that he'd suddenly 'grown up' but pleased he was finally talking.

I knew there must have been something to instigate this change of heart though. I've been on here for long enough to realise there's usually another woman involved when this suddenly happens.

I've basically held my water since then, played the understanding wife & let him keep talking.

Turns out I was right, he did meet someone on a lads weekend away in September. I've known this for a couple of weeks. He told me yesterday he basically went with the attitude that he was single, removed his wedding ring & went out looking.

Well, he found. She's slightly older than him, never been married & is looking for a husband. Quite why she wants mine I've no idea but he's been making promises to her about treating her the best she's ever been treated, it's his job to make her happy now etc etc. I found all this from messages on his phone. H is a technophobe & I'm in IT so it's not hard.

He's really pushing for a quick end, and a 50:50 financial settlement. Ultimately, if this happens, I'll have to leave the family home as I can't afford to buy him out of the house. We're proposing 50:50 residency for DC.

He's pushing me on a minute by minute basis to find somewhere to buy so this can all be done by Christmas.

I suppose my question is really this, can I use this latest fiasco of his as leverage in divorce/financial proceedings.

Yes, our marriage was virtually dead but is he now committing adultery (he plans to go & see her this coming weekend BTW, though we'll still be living together)

Thanks so much if you've made it this far!!

You should really go back to a solicitor and discuss this with them rather than be rushed or pushed into a an agreement by him. Divorce is largely 'no fault' you'll find, so in terms of leverage it doesn't make that much of a difference to the financial settlement whether one party behaved atrociously or not. However, there are conventions regarding accommodation where DCs are concerned and they are probably worth checking out before you go the route of selling the house.

Take advice, work out what is fair, put this forward (through mediation or privately) & don't be rushed into agreeing to anything before you are good and ready.

Do not allow him to rush things or dictate what happens, it may not be in your best interests.

Don't move out. Get into mediation and sort out a reasonable settlement that works for you & DC.

Yes - definitely go back to the solicitor with this updated situation and ask for new advice. You can't be forced to leave the family home with your DC at two months' notice because he's found some new woman he wants to be with. Don't be rushed! It could really be to your and your DC's detriment. OTOH, it sounds like you're quite eager to be rid of him too, so I would get the best advice you can and yes, I would also start house hunting. You don't have to tell him that you're doing it, but its all about you and the DC now, so look out for yourself and them.

Thanks

Should have said I've an appointment with solicitor next Friday but that's two weeks away & I'm struggling to maintain composure!!! I'm like a nodding dog at the moment, thinking 'yes dear, whatever, I'll get the appropriate advice thanks'

He's just making me furious. He wants everything to be sorted NOW so that he can go away this weekend reassuring himself that it's not the reason for the split.

I see it that our marriage was in a bad state but his affair is the reason it's ending. He doesn't agree

I don't agree either. His affair is the last straw, the single event you can pin it on, but you said earlier he'd been an arse throughout. So it's been dead for a long time.

But that's rather immaterial. Your current problem is that there is open hostility. If you have DCs, this is a horrible position to put them in. I would put it to him that, whatever is going on between you, he needs to straighten himself out for their sakes. If he can't achieve that, then he leaves.

Then bring forward the appointment if you can.

Yep, I've asked him this morning to look for somewhere to rent while we sort it all out.

He's amenable to this as it frees him to pursue this other woman.

The solicitor I want to use has a great reputation & isn't available until next Friday.

Errrr, has he mentioned this 50:50 childcare arrangement with the OW??

If it's rushed I can see things going tits up in 6 months when she decides this doesn't suit her. He's only known her a month.

It's prob a good thing that things are going slowly.

Hi
I have been in this situation, I have 3 dc's.
My solicitor worked on the theory that all assets be divided into 3. 1 third for ex, 1 third for me and 1 third for the children as their main carer and home was with me.
My ex disagreed and took this through the courts but the outcome stayed the same.
I suggest you discuss this with your solicitor and remember that although he agrees to 50/50 care of the children this will lessen as time goes on and he settles with his ow.
I also suggest you don't leave the home, unsettling for you and especially your children but once you leave its hard to return. Let him move out.

Dozie who knows? I'm finding all of this out piecemeal from him anyway. She lives miles away (300+) so I think it'll only be a weekend thing for them I assume.

Demo I think the 50:50 thing will affect the settlement as I was originally lead to believe 1/3:2/3 split but that was basing having the DC with me for the majority of the time.

Hold your head up high, don't move out, chat with your solicitor and everything will work out for you.
Loooong story but been there and deffo have the t-shirt!
Few years down the line my ex of 19 yrs is alone, no mates or family and regrets everything he ever did and said. Very sad for him but "you reap what you sow"

Thanks Demo, that's good to hear

No probs.
Good luck with your appointment. There is a whole new future ahead of you!!

I'm actually quite excited

Good for you.
You would not believe how my life has changed from "then" to "now". I could write a book!