Husband has been secretly drinking

[Confused21]

Hello, this is my first post. In fact I have only just registered because I wanted to discuss this and my husband made me promise not to mention it to anyone we may know.

For a while, probably from beginning of summer holidays (or even longer really) I thought my husband had been drinking to much. Every christmas we always fill up the drinks cabinet with spirits (& other times too) and I know my husband drinks from it at other times when we aren't drinking together. I would know because I would think where has that gone and he would say we drunk it (& although I think it's unlikely we had drank that much I kind or half believed him).

In the first week of the summer holidays we went away with friends and we all drank far too much. We had a lot of fun but I was glad when we were home to detox a bit. Then we were back for a couple of weeks and went away for a week in a caravan and again drank most nights. We were on holiday and that's what we do on holiday. To be fair it's what we have always done on hols abroad but a caravan felt different so I noticed it more.

Anyway that was Beginning of September. Then we went back to just drinking Friday, Sat and Sunday. Not huge amounts a bottle of wine between us on a night (or so I thought).

Then more recently since we came back from holidays my husband would say he has had a stressful day at work and let's have a bottle of wine, and then we would.

The other week my husband had forgotten to put he recycling bin out and when I rushed to so it and thought where had all those wine bottles come from. I do the food shop and was surprised as they looked cheap bottles and I knew I hadn't bought them. I didn't say anything until last night. There are little things like when I checked the account I thought it strange that there were some coop transactions on there and thought maybe he was smoking again but he said he had bought coffee for work. Again something I thought strange as in the past he would say could I get him some in the food shop. I also thought it strange he would get coffee on a Friday night.

Yesterday night (we weren't drinking even tho it was a Sunday mainly because we had drunk Thursday as we were off work Friday on a mini break so thurs had been like the Friday). I went to the cupboard to look for some squash (we had ran out and I was searching to see if we had a spare). I put my head in because the cupboard goes far back. There was a bottle of wine 3/4 gone hidden at the back. I took it out and questioned when he drunk it.

After a series of lies (drank it ages ago, well why was it hidden etc) & me thinking hang on this was one of the bottles I had bought in the food shop earlier that day. He finally admitted he had had it when I took the kids out to a party at 2-4. He said he had it around 3 & hid he bottle 15 mins before I got back. Drank it out of a plastic breaker as easier.

I out everything together and asked how many times and questioned the coop / coffee transactions on a joint account. He said it had been 4 times including that one.
Then I asked to see his personal account (not the joint one) and say it was a couple of times a week, maybe more as there was also lots of cash withdrawals.

He said be doesn't drink in the day, his career is too important to him. He admitted he was probably drinking 1/2- 1 bottle a night, so even if we have had half a bottle his is drinking his secret stash too. He said it has started since we got back from the 2nd holiday (so 2 months) although the hols were excessive drinking anyway so maybe 3 months. He hides it in the cupboard and often drinks from the plastic breaker.

He said he was was relieved that I knew and although doesn't think he is an alcoholic can see that it's going in that direction. He said the reason for the drinking is he is so unhappy with work and to be fair he had been offered a new job but that doesn't start til the new year.. Do u think he is actually an alcoholic?

He said he doesn't want help, said he will stop drinking for the next 4-6 weeks. He kept saying he was a failure and he should just leave. I said that's not what we want (me or the kids ) and getting help is better. The kids obviously don't know, just me. I reassured him I love him too. I do love him but the lies (elaborate ones) hurt me. More than the drinking I think. Lots of people drink, he doesn't go to the pub or anything. He isn't abusive etc. but why lie?

My question is I guess, do you think he can do it on his own. If he had admitted he had a problem to me but won't go to anything about it, is he still really in denial? Do you think he can do it on his own? It's the lies that get to me too, he had obviously been hiding it. What if he just finds another way to hide it?

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You are dealing here with an alcoholic. His primary relationship is with drink and likely has been for some considerable time and alcohol is a cruel mistress. His next thought is where the next drink is going to come from.

I would be talking to Al-anon in your particular circumstances because you're also playing out roles in this as well; those of enabler and provoker (you do not forget and you are not allowed to fail). He is in his mind allowed to fail and will blame you as well.

Of course he states he does not want help from outside and does not think he is an alcoholic either (they rarely if ever do but him trying to stop by himself will not work either) and that is typical. Problem here is what happens after 6 weeks?. He will simply go back to drinking again and hiding it from you and the extent of his problem from his own self. Also he will likely not manage six weeks without alcohol. He is likely anyway to be badly underestimating how much he is drinking. He is lying to you repeatedly as well; he states he is not drinking during the day but he drank whilst you took the children to a party. He is lying to himself as well and alcoholics are often mired in denial.

He may well be not completely sober either during his working days.
He's holding down a job at present but for how long, he is functioning but the crisis at home is already happening here.

Do not ever underestimate as well the effects of his behaviours on you and your children; alcoholism is truly a family disease. They see all of this as well as you and will have their own issues going forward.

I would start talking to Al-anon and any trusted family member, asking you not to tell anyone in your own social circle is not on at all and that is also doing its bit to make an already serious problem worse. Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy and keeping this quiet will do its own bit of damage.

Infact he should just leave now because he is really not at all serious about properly addressing his alcoholism. He's admitted a problem to you but you knew already, its still denial on his part and no he cannot do this on his own. What he has proposed is laughable if it was not so bloody tragic really. He's still lying to you and to himself because he cannot face the truth.

What are you going to do going forward?. You cannot help him and you need to accept that but you can certainly help your own self here and talking to Al-anon will be a good start. You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

He won't tackle this successfully if he doesn't own up to the full extent of the problem, unfortunately, and if he doesn't take responsibility. 'Alcoholic' is an emotive word with a lot of different definitions but, from my perspective, an alcohol abuser means someone who is overly dependent on alcohol, consumes too much too regularly & is secretive or dishonest about their habits. Doesn't have to be whole bottles of vodka for breakfast or falling down drunk in order to be a problem.

The Drinkaware website has a questionnaire that might be useful here. Stopping drinking for a few weeks is, unfortunately, a classic alcohol abuser dodge. So I'd say he's scoring pretty highly.

It's really not a good experience standing where you are now and I know because I've been there. You must take a very hard line - up to and including taking him up on the threat of leaving the family - and protect yourself. I know you'll be thinking... 'it's just a bit of wine'... and lots of people drink more, but if he has no motivation to change and there are no consequences to his behaviour, the chances of him taking it seriously are almost nil.

He does not have to go to the pub either, he is drinking at home along with hiding and using his stashes there.

Can you at all rely on him in the evenings?. I would say not, he certainly could not drive any of you to the hospital if there was god forbid any sort of medical emergency.

Can you at all trust him around your children now?. What if they see him slur his words, find one of his many stashes (there are likely to be more of these as well), look at all the empties in the recycling, seeing you constantly worried and concerned?.

Do talk to Al-anon and try and go along to their meetings if you can. Find someone other than him to look after your children. You ultimately need to get off the merry go around that is alcoholism.

I remember reading that alcoholics will ALWAYS be drinking more than they admitted to and for longer than they admitted to.

Also, he blames his job for drinking. Many, many people hate their jobs. They don't drink in secret. His job situation is an excuse for his drinking, not the reason for it.

Agree with the advice re al-anon and AA.

As a previous poster said, it is his commitment to change which is the key thing you need to be looking at.

He is certainly a problem drinker and heading towards alcoholism and unless he makes the choice to stop or seriously curtail this drinking you will have major problems,

Being unhappy and self medicating with alcohol is common and dealing with the source of the drinking will sort the problem out.

The lying to you is very concerning and I think this is an issue where maybe some counselling will help. I would also say contact al-anon. Being aware there is a problem, particularly for him, so early on hopefully will have a good outcome.

Hi OP,

What an upsetting thing for you to find out. It is of course better that you know now, than several months/years down the line when the problem has escalated further.

As others have said, you should not believe everything he is telling you. So he says he has been drinking 1/2-1 bottle a night, and this has been happening since you came back from holiday. I would take that with a punch of salt I'm afraid. It doesn't mean that it's not true, but he is likely to downplay things to make them seem better than they really are.

Re his attempts to stop drinking. Why does he need 4-6 weeks? If he's not got a problem, he should be able to stop. He knows he cannot 'just stop', therefore he knows on some level that he does have a problem, yet he won't want to admit it. His unwillingness to admit his problem is also reflected in his attitude 'I'll deal with this myself. Just give me 4-6 weeks. Swear you won't tell anybody IRL.'

Does that make sense? I'm not criticising either of you, but my father was an alcoholic so I've seen first hand how they try to manipulate people. He'd hide his vodka bottles in coats, wellies, behind books etc and would deny that he'd put them there, even when caught in the act.

I think your next step should be to contact an organisation like Al-anon because you will really benefit from their support. Would your husband go to the GP if you encouraged him?

Good luck OP. I'm only a PM away if you'd like some support

Don't put too much store by him 'admitting it', you had him cornered. He's smart enough to know that at that moment, the game was up and your anger at being lied to would have made it more difficult for you to swallow the "He was a failure and he should just leave" line. The "He was a failure and he should just leave" line is genius because it takes your legitimate anger at being lied to and converts it into you keeping your mouth shut out of fear of him leaving.

What he's told you is probably the tip of the iceberg and keeping it just between the two of you makes it easier for him to 'manage' the situation and when I say manage, I mean lie.

Your H's abuse of alcohol is going to effect you as an individual, as a couple and as a family.

Contact Al-anon so you have support.

I don't want to leave him or him to go. To answer some of your questions. He doesn't drive so there is no risk of him drink driving. I don't think he is normally drinking in the day. Obviously I don't know for certain but I am pretty sure that he isn't.
We were away on Friday day and fri night. He didn't drink in day and we had shared a bottle of wine on the Friday night. That seems normal couple behaviour doesn't it. He definitely didn't have anything else. Sat day we were together all day and he didn't drink, I know that 100%. Sat night he had 2 beers which again doesn't sound so excessive. He said he had nothing else. When I asked him why yesterday he said we had had a good time and he was just down about going back to work the next day and he thought 'why not'.

I have checked the recycling and there are 7 bottles in there over 13 days (it's collected tomorrow). I know at least 1 is not one I bought, maybe 2. That sounds about right, if he has had an extra 2. He hasn't had any extra spirits because as I mentioned that he has them what are open and we haven't topped it up for ages. There are unopened ones and he doesn't have them. I think it's more like having a little bit and thinking it's not noticed, however if no one else is drinking it then it obviously is noticed.

He has has this secret behaviour when he hid he was smoking (& he eats a lot of crap too such as chocolate and crisps). So maybe the lies are more about lying in general. Maybe he thinks I am someone who he has to deceive because he can't talk to. Which is hurtful as I am always there and ask him about stuff.

I don't know what I am going to do. But I know I Am not going to do anything rash though. I love him and he is an excellent dad too. I am not in denial about that. Plus I have only found out about the lies yesterday. I personally think I might give him th 6 weeks to see if he can do it. If he can and is changing jobs after Xmas that might be the route of the problem. He is high up in his career and he does have a stressful job. Obviously I will bear everything u have said in mind and look out for any lies or deceit. If there still is then I need to act on it but this is the first time I have confronted him and he admitted he has a problem.

It took me so long to write my reply that I didn't see all the other comments til I did. Thanks for all your replies. Yes I am very upset,
He said he is dealing with it now. He won't drink anything from now. He didn't say he wouldn't for ever.

I have to go out now, I have a play date with my little girl (half term).

He clearly didn't admit anything.
He was found out.

Speaking from experience, there is a terrible tendency for the partner of the problem drinker to minimise the problem and pretend it can all be tackled very easily.
I think you are falling into this pattern by stating from the onset that he shouldn't leave.
It's less painful to minimise, initially at least, but it isn't dealing with the problem.

If he is an alcoholic then he should not be drinking at all.

Unfortunately he has you in the palm of his hand and he is playing you well through manipulating you also. He is not dealing with his problem at all and you do not know really which way is up. All his, "will give up drink for six weeks" is frankly nonsense and not something that he will be likely to keep up at all particularly given his consumption to date. Using his hatred of work as an excuse to drink is just that, an excuse and it does not at all address the causes as to why he needs to abuse alcohol as he does.
Has your H come from a family where drinking heavily featured, are one or both of his parents alcoholics too?.

He may be an "excellent dad" as you put it but is he really an excellent H to you?. Women often write that sort of comment anyway when they can really think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

And no he is not a good dad to his children if he is putting alcohol first either. His behaviour puts your family at risk and damages it.

You must never minimise this at all, his alcoholism is having very real and present deleterious effects on your family. Alcoholism is truly a family disease that does not just affect the alcoholic. Also in a few weeks time it will be Christmas and the New Year which will give him yet another reason to drink. He will always find a reason to drink.

As for your assertion "I do not want him to leave or to go" ultimately you may not have any choice but to ask him to leave. His primary relationship is with drink and nothing you do or say can change that mindset. You may well love him as well but he loves drink more than you. Love is not enough in these situations. You can only help your own self and contacting Al-anon is a good starting point.

You cannot make him stop drinking. You can choose to end the marriage if you find his drinking unbearable.

However, you mention that there have been issues with his smoking and his eating habits in the past, which you have policed. Are you naturally inclined to control and 'parent' other people, or has he gradually pushed you into the mummy role?

It is perfectly possible for someone who drinks too much to recover and be able to have a couple of glasses of wine on a special occasion, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Lots of people do, just like lots of people take cocaine and ecstasy as well as drinking lots in their late teens/twenties and then basically grow out of the habit. The disease/moral failing/lifetime issue model of alcoholism put about by AA is actually unscientific nonsense, and AA has the highest relapse rate of any alcohol-abuse treatment programme around. But the only person who can change his behaviour is him.

For the moment, as you don't mention him being an aggressive drunk, or spending more than the family can afford on drink, my advice would be to ignore his drinking habits. Don't let him make you responsible for monitoring how much he drinks. Live with the fact that he drinks a lot of alcohol while being aware that you can choose to leave or throw him out if the situation worsens.

Oh dear, is this the plan, checking on the recycling bin and relying on his honesty? Monitoring his drinking gives you a false sense of security because the empties in the recycling bin and what you see him drinking, isn't all that he drinks and you know this because he lies. He lies, not because he can't talk to you but because it's convenient and avoids his behaviour being challenged.

He's manipulating you, his "He was a failure and he should just leave" line worked a treat. Can't call it a threat because it was unlikely he would've ever followed through, maximum return for minimum effort — result!

It sounds like you're not ready to face this. You will have to eventually, because it's not going away but while you follow the wait and see approach, please contact AL-anon to look at your options.

Good luck.

No I don't normally check the recycling. I did because of one of the first posts someone wrote this morning so I looked at it. The reason I had previously wasn't actually checking. I had put it out in the morning when he forgot and that's when I noticed the wine bottles.

I am not weak, at least I don't think I am. He isn't and never has been abusive to me or the kids. He is a good husband and a good father. In fact I would say he is better than most husbands. He makes the dinner often on the evening. We spend quality time as a couple and he spends time with the kids at the weekend (back too late in the evenings). The smoking was an issue years ago, and it wasn't about control, it was about the lies. The elaborate way he hid he was smoking.

I have told him I won't tolerate liars and he knows that. I guess the weakness is he has lied and I haven't thrown him out. However we talked about things and I have to give him a chance. I don't think you should throw 11 years of marriage away like that.

It's still the lies that Bother me more than the drinking. I know other people who drink a lot but I don't know anyone who hides it like he has. To be honest I even know people who drink more than him. I think that's what makes me think he has a problem is that he hid it from me, in the cupboard.

Having talked to him more I think he said he won't drink for the next 6 weeks. Then he will go back to a Friday and Sat night drinks like we used to. If he can do that then it can't be a problem can it? Yes I know he could then deceive me by lying but I have to trust him too. We spend a lot of time together, so I should know if he is drinking. Yes I know I didn't know before but I think I will be aware.

Also someone asked if he was brought up with heavy drinkers in the family. No he wasn't. However he was brought up with a family who don't communicate and have never been happy (& haven't been for maybe 20 years but never split). This lack of communication he has been brought up with is an issue, he doesn't communicate when he is upset or stressed. I have a feeling this is where this may have come from. I knew he was unhappy at work, he has a very stressful job and he had told me several times that it wasn't as expected. It was me who suggested he leave if he is unhappy, and he will be doing so (he already has secured a new job).

I thank you all for your answers and it has really made me think. I have spoke to him about al anon too. He said if he struggles with the giving up the alcohol in the 6 weeks (& he is starting now btw) then he will go. I really do think he can do it. We will just see how he gets on and hopefully everything will work out ok. If he lies continue I have told him he will have to leave. He knows that and I think he knows I mean it (becAuse I do). But like I said I think he has to try. I genuinely think it hasn't been going on for that long with the hiding of the alcohol, 2 months of lying I think. I don't know for certain obviously.

I will come back and tell you what happens.

With alcoholics, the lies you know about are always the tip of the iceberg. He's an alcoholic, no doubt about it. He won't want to go to Alcoholics Anonymous, because it'll mean he has to seriously confront his addiction and the necessity of stopping drinking. You should consider going to Al-Anon (for relatives and friends of alcoholics) as you need to find out more about alcoholism.

Do not assume you will always know when and how much he is drinking. You won't. Alcoholics are masters of deception. He will have been hiding the true extent of his addiction for much longer than two months.

Good luck. You really are going to need it.

How did he manage to stop smoking? I think the Allen Carr alcohol book or even seminar would be worth considering if he was willing to do it. It seems to have quite a high success rate and is more positive in outlook than aa

I didn't know that al anon was ( I assumed it was the same as AA). Obviously I haven't ever looked at this sort of thing.

He stopped smoking when we had been together about 6 months. We didn't have much money and he saved the money each day and he did it after a month of saving the fivers he had saved £150. In reality he didn't smoke that much but that was what he did. He spent the money on himself for a treat. The next month he did the same. The next month he got made redundant and we were skint and we needed the money but by then he wasn't smoking.

However years later I had thought he was smoking. Excessive consumption of extra strong mints, I asked about it and he denied it. He said he works closely with people and wouldn't want bad breath. I believed that, sounded plausible. It turned out he was struggling at work (different job, long time ago now) & hence he started again. I was angry that the lies had been going on for ages, it just everything fit together and I realised all the times before.

I absolutely can't stand liars and he knows that. The issue I have now is about the lies. The fact he couldn't talk to me and had bottled it up. I think he has been unhappy with work and it's a release.

By the way he stopped smoking then after that confrontation. I believe that too (not that he carried on and hid it from me). And it's years later now and he hasn't since. This I think is similar in a way. It's a similar stress issue. Maybe he has an addictive personality. He hasn't had a drink by the way this evening. There is alcohol in the house too and he seems ok. I actually genuinely think he feels better that we have talked about things. I feel exhausted but after about 5 hours sleep am not surprised!

By the way the hating of liars comes from my own parents. He knows I hate it and he knows that's what I am most upset about.

It was his decision to stop drinking for about 6 weeks and then just go back to weekend drinking (& only 1 bottle between us on the fri and sat) rather than through the week. He wants to because he feels his current actions were going the wrong route.

Personally I would be happy if he just reduced his drinking back to the weekends like before our holidays without the break. However as it's his suggestion and I feel that actually it will do him good. He said if he finds it hard to give it up for those 6 weeks he will seek help. This is all his decision.

I know it's just words but I have to give him a chance (and I am going to). I just hope he has found the issue before it set in.

I will have a look at that book and suggest it to him.

He is lying to you as well as himself here.

I feel very sorry for you because all this is going to hit you right between the eyes soon enough when you yourself wake up properly as to the reality.

This is how life with an alcoholic is; a long series of talks where he never listens and the rest of the family lurching from one crisis to the next. Its chaotic and dysfunctional and does any children within it a great deal of emotional harm.

His primary relationship is with drink, its certainly not with you and his next thought focuses on where the next drink is coming from.

Al-anon is for family members of problem drinkers so you need to contact them. It is all too clear that you need to really educate yourself about the realities of what is going on here because you are completely unaware. You're also playing your part here in keeping this merry go around of alcoholism going.

Re your earlier comment:-
"Having talked to him more I think he said he won't drink for the next 6 weeks. Then he will go back to a Friday and Sat night drinks like we used to. If he can do that then it can't be a problem can it? Yes I know he could then deceive me by lying but I have to trust him too. We spend a lot of time together, so I should know if he is drinking. Yes I know I didn't know before but I think I will be aware".

Talk is cheap and this is the sort of crap they do come out with.
I doubt very much that he will be able to lay off alcohol for anything like six weeks to be honest with you and what he is proposing is simply not going to work. This proposal of his is nonsense, infact he should not ever drink again!!. He is still not addressing his alcohol problem here and he cannot give up on his own. He has and continues to lie to you and has likely had this problem for years.

You for your own part are still trying to control this and you simply cannot. You do not still know how much he is drinking and you will not either.

I would also suggest you read up on co-dependency as this often features within such relationships as well.

You keep on wanting to trust him, why?. You love him yes but he loves alcohol more.

You will have your answer over the next six weeks. He'll either stop as he's planned to, and get it back under control. Or he won't be able to. Either way, you'll know soon enough which way it's going.