I'm all over the place, please help!

[sunshinydays234]

I really would like some honest advice here. I really don't know what I'm thinking any more.

My partner and I have split up after a 14 year relationship. To run through what happened, he cheated on me 5 years ago. I tried to come to terms with it but felt that he never really understood or wasn't prepared to do what was needed to put it right. He has always tended to have women friends, which in itself I've never really been comfortable with but he always made me feel like if was me and there was nothing wrong with it. He never stopped doing this after he cheated on me.

We had a 6 month trial separation and in August he decided he didn't want to continue the relationship. I was devastated, went a big crazy, couldn't eat etc and tried to get him to change his mind. Anyway after about a month
we talked and said we had both been missing being a family and were unsure what we wanted. At this point I had started chatting to someone on a dating website who seemed lovely which confused me and I told my ex that I didn't think we should continue our relationship. He was then devastated (which he wasn't before) which made me feel awful. He said we needed to decide once and for all what we wanted to do. So we decided it would probably be for the best to split up. The day after this the guy on the internet just disappeared too.

Since then he has been spending time with one of his women 'friends' from work who has a 2 year old son. They had been getting close before we actually split up because she has been going through the same thing (I was unhappy about this but he again said there was nothing wrong with it because they were simply friends). Saying what was he supposed to do, have no friends?

I have not been coping very well and ended up shouting at my daughter the other morning when he was dropping them off. Since then he has been sending horrible messages to me saying I'm lucky to have what I've got - house, job, father who supports children etc and he works so hard for it all and by complaining I'm throwing it all back in his face! It has really upset me.

My son was spending this weekend with him and yesterday told me they were meeting his female friend for the day. I felt like id been punched in the stomach. I questioned what was going on because I was obviously concerned about my son spending time with her and he got nasty saying do I really think he would confuse him by doing that and that they are just friends. Apparently they all spent time with her two weekends ago as well. My ex also informed me yesterday that he was going away for christmas.

I have been in such a bad place last night and today,last night I just didnt want to live any more, thinking of ways of running away or ending it all. I miss my family so much, my family are my life and the thought of my son doing family things today with him and her has shaken me to the core. I can't live with it and today I have been wanting to get back together so that we can be a family again. We could go to counselling and sort ourselves out. I can only think that I would rather be with him despite the lack of respect he shows me than to feel the pain of my family being split apart. My son also told me this evening that his dad had said he could move in with him when he starts secondary school if he wanted to which I had to reassure him that this is his home. I can't bear all this I just want to be back to how it was before. I think he probably won't want to though. I feel in complete turmoil and don't want to be here anymore. What can I do?

Has anyone been through this before and how do they cope? Any other thoughts?

Also what the score with partners being friends with other women and exes. Has anyone had to deal with this? Is it me?

Sounds to me like he's been pulling a fast one on you here. He broke the trust 5 yrs ago and appears to have done nothing to reassure you since then. In fact the opposite. He's continued his 'friendships' despite knowing your uncomfortable with them. And the latest one certainly sounds more than just friends.

Why do you want to be with someone who you don't trust and makes no effort to regain that trust but blames you?

In terms of coping I think you need to detach and start taking control of your life (he seems to be calling the shots here). He doesn't really sound like he wants back in and even if he did I refer you to my previous question.

So sorry you are going through this. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself. Your son knows you are his mother and nothing can change that. He will need you for many years yet. Yes, your son may spend some time with this other woman on the odd weekend, but children are not stupid or easily confused. He will always know who his mother is.

It sounds like you are panicking right now. You can and will get through this. You have no doubt had shock after shock with the break up and your ex's behaviour, but it will get better.

Yes, been there. It passes. You need to think through who you are and what you want.

Is his financial support for the family arranged legally? Are his access times regular? You don't want him messing you around.

I'm so sorry for you. I'm in this place too & have wanted to end it, but have to think of my daughter. Her dad is a shit, I can't leave her without a mum too. My STBXH had many female friends, always texting them, looking out for them, sending them kisses & comforting them while I got the cold shoulder. In the end he's left me for one of them.
You deserve better, so do I. Hang in there xxx

I couldn't ever imagine continuing to do donething I knew hurt my husband, not him me. The fact that he is still prepared to hurt you tells you all you need to know about his lack of respect and love for you. He'd not hurt you otherwise.

Thanks everyone for your kind messages. I've had another sleepless night with everything going over and over in my head.

I do know deep down that he is not good for me. I naively thought that finally ending our relationship would make everything better but it's turned into a horrendous nightmare and feels far worse than when we were together. I do need to be here for my children, but it doesn't stop me thinking about not wanting to be here.

This other women thing has been the bain of our relationship and I have struggled with trying to come to terms with it right from the beginning, beating myself up about being jealous and trying to explain to him how it makes me feel, but he just doesn't get it. I've often thought about doing the same to him but other men just don't seem to come into my life, whereas other women just seem to gravitate into his life??? I just don't get it and it's been knocking my self esteem for years even affecting my relationships with female friends because I'm over thinking it all the time.

Now when I thought I could be free of it all it's still here bashing me over the head, and to make it worse my children are involved too whereas before at least I could keep it separate. I wish he would just go away.

He does support the children financially so all that is in order.

Crushed - I am sorry you are going through this too. It is just the worst pain isn't it. I think what confuses me most is that he can be so nice and seemingly caring and doing thoughtful things and yet on the other hand is willing to do such hurtful things. I guess they just really aren't able to put themselves in our shoes and know how it feels and sometimes I do think he wouldn't actually be that bothered even if I did go with someone else. It would be so much easier if we could just take the children and go.

Joysmum, like you I just can't do anything to hurt him. Even when he's sending hurtful messages I still can't bring myself to be hurtful back. You're right that is because I respect him love (?) him and I guess he just doesn't respect me at all.