Told him I want a divorce...now what?!

[breakingthebank]

Been married for 11 miserable downtrodden years but on the plus side we have 3dcs.

After he came home drunk this weekend and attempted to piss in the bedroom (again) I finally told him enough is enough, I want him to leave. He refused saying he doesn't have to listen to what I say. So I told him if he refused to move out I would be going to see a solicitor to instigate divorce on Monday.

I've slept on the sofa for 2 nights. My back is in bits. And I don't have a clue how to find a solicitor or how I'm going to pay for a divorce. What the hell do I do now?

Yell.com for solicitors in your area. You want a 'Family Law' solicitor. Many of them do a free consultation of say half an hour.

Read through the websites and then shortlist according to your criteria, e.g. Do you want a woman or a man (you may not be bothered), what is your budget.

Is there a lot of equity/savings/assets in the marriage to fall out over? In which case you will probably want a solicitor-led divorce (cost 5-10K if it's not particularly contentious divorce)

Gordon & Slater's Family Law is the best book I've read on explaining the process to me and all the different avenues that you can take. Useful if you are thinking of a DIY divorce. You start with a form called D11.

Various other website include www.divorce.co.uk/divorce-approaches/collaborative-divorce

And of course, this document explains it in 'government speak'. Good luck with it all - it's not a nice process, but one that ends (eventually).

hmctsformfinder.justice.gov.uk/courtfinder/forms/d184-eng.pdf

Rights of women website is good too.

Good luck! He sounds like a nightmare. You are doing the right thing

Thanks for the links. I'll have a look now. There isn't much too argue over really other than the house. I would like the kids to be able to stay in their home but I know he'll try to make sure we have to move out I do earn enough to buy him out but he won't want me to keep the house I'm sure.

When I told him I want out of the marriage his response was that he could have divorced me years ago for being controlling!

Apparently my controlling behaviour includes stopping him from drinking too much (he says I'm lying about him trying to pee in the bedroom, he wasn't drunk) & controlling all the money (he asked me to have all the money years ago after I'd suffered years of him getting us into significant debt and often being penniless because he insisted I had to pay half bills even when I only worked part time. My bank balance used to be 0 & he'd be in the pub every weekend with his spare cash).

When I pointed all this out to him, he says I have made everything worse in my head! Can't believe the man who didn't talk to me for 2 days after I went to his sisters hen night, the man who always tries to find a reason why I shouldn't go on my weekly visit to see my parents, dares to call ME controlling!!

Sorry for the rant! I just have to get it off my chest before I explode

Breakingthebank so advice from a practical point but just wanted to say I believe your doing the right thing. Your H sounds an idiot and will probably be saying all he can to stop you from going as probably knows the outcome will be him out of the home.

You need to speak to someone impartial to get a clearer view of things as you are saying it to someone who is twisting what you say and throwing it back at you. If he has a serious drink problem then he maybe can't remember but sure once he's living on his own and waking up in a room full of piss he'll realise that maybe you were right!
Rant away.

Thank you ohcluttergotme. I feel quite angry at the moment, have for a while. At him for treating me like shit for so long and angry at my parents for normalising this so I didn't feel my voice mattered.

I'm sad for the 20 year old girl I was who blamed herself for years for his behaviour I always thought there was something wrong with me, I was being unreasonable, I was lazy, I couldn't cope. And it took me 10 years of marriage to realise (with the help of my job and MN) that it's not me that's the problem: I married an abusive arse. I'd kill the man who treated one of my daughters the way he's treated me

The best place to find a good solicitor is to get a personal recommendation. The Law Society website also has a search function. Glad you're feeling angry. For 11 years you've given him the benefit of the doubt and it sounds like your self-esteem has had a hammering. Short-term, a little fury can be energising and give you confidence. Make the most of it. Good luck

Yes Cogito, it's been 11 years of giving him the benefit of the doubt whilst he remains highly critical of everything I do. I've come to realise that the standards I set myself are way higher than I set for anyone else, which has allowed dh to behave terribly and I've always excused it.

Just remembered I have a service paid for by my work where I can ring up and get legal advice. I will give them a call today I think. seeing a solicitor seems so scary and even though I know what my life's been like, I still feel like ppl will think I'm making a fuss about nothing.

A fuss about nothing? Well, if that's the case then maybe they can take him in for a while.

Even if there was nothing, you are well within your rights as a human bean to quit any relationship. That's the long and the short of it.

Funky. Even he has said no one else would have him! I know you're right but I think it's because I've spent so long having him downplay it and my family normalising it, I feel so guilty about disrupting my children's lives for what they all seem to think is par for the course.

You know, until a couple of years ago I didn't know that it was perfectly normal for a man to ever get up with a crying child in the night. That thought had never previously entered my head! And until I put a stop to it last year when i finally realised what was going on in my marriage, if dh fancied a cup of tea he'd just say "get the kettle on" to me. Wouldn't dream of getting up and making one for himself.

Life is a series of learning experiences. You learn about adult relationships mostly from your own parents in the first instance but, as you get older, from other sources... friends, media, literature, travelling. If your family think women should be subservient and you got together at just 20yo, you probably didn't have much opportunity to form your own opinions. Feminism was something that happened to other people...

But now you know better and realise you made a mistake, it would be daft to keep making it.

Well he didn't get up for work today and has been behaving perfectly nicely to me since yesterday.

This is what would usually happen: he just acts as though nothing has been said, I can't be bothered to bring it up again which will result in an argument, nothing gets resolved and he gets to carry on as usual.

Today I told him I was off to see someone about a divorce. He has said I don't need to, he will move out and rent somewhere.

Promised that he'll stop drinking. I've told him it's a bigger problem than just his drinking, it's his whole attitude and treatment of me. I never get to watch a TV programme that I like because he controls the remote. He tries to stop me seeing my family. He never gets up with the children unless he wants something. He has never got up at 5am with the dcs, got them and himself ready and then gone to work; that is my daily routine. And then HE has a lie in every Sunday (his day off).

Despite this I feel so guilty. He is heartbroken that he has to leave the dcs. I wish there was another way

The end of any relationship is going to be sad. Few people are horrible 100% of the time so you're bound to have some good memories. Plus you've got children together and that tends to be a big factor in guilt feelings. So accept there will be feelings of nostalgia, sentimentality, regret..... and then move right along. :)

Because, however heartbroken he claims to be, he's had many years to behave like a decent human being and has chosen to squander the opportunity. Pissing in the bedroom.... disgusting. So take him up on the offer to move out and rent AND see a solicitor about a divorce. Cover all the bases.

He absolutely has Cogito. But according to him I haven't tried to make things work and his life has been just as bad with me because I constantly tell him he's wrong and pick faults (he couldn't give a single example of course).

Thank you for your replies. I am so devastated really although I have a hard face on. I know it would be so much easier just to agree with him but it won't resolve anything in the long run.

It is not going to be easy but you can be kind to yourself along the way. You are showing your DC that you are not prepared to normalise his behaviour. This will stand them in very good stead in their lives.

Lots of MN like myself have been through separation and you and your DC will be fine. You can make your future better. If you chose to stay with him you will just keep going through the same thing over and over.

Good luck, you can do this.