I love him!

[hydeparkhottie]

I'm not sure how to write things anymore. It's been such a long time since I've been able to sit down and think about my life/family situation.

DH and I have been together for 12 years ago. Married for 8. I love him, I love him with all of my heart; but I think the marriage is over.

No one has cheated, I really can't think of any other man. I believe him when he says there isn't anyone else. He loves the children and works from home a lot so we do get a chance to spend time with each other. He makes sure to help with the kids and does cooking if I do the cleaning, or the cleaning if I do the cooking. He gives me free reign of how I would like to do things, what I would like to do.

There are a few problems that we have overcome: His mother is quite passive aggressive, his cousins do go out of their way to alienate me--which isn't much of a problem because I couldn't care less; and I only have to see his parents once a month. He makes sure to keep everything civil and does make sure to highlight bad behaviour if anything untoward is said to me or about me. In recent years, nothing dramatic has occurred and I feel comfortable if and when I do see his family.

Another issue we deal with on a day to day basis is that our first child has special needs. We had our dc1 when we were newlywed and starting our respective careers. I think we have handled it as well as we could have as a couple and still do find the situation unfair and difficult...but for the most part we support each other and work with our dc1 towards a better and brighter future.

All in all, I love him. I cannot stress how much I love him. Lately though, there isn't much of a relationship. All we do is watch tv together, eat dinner and raise the kids. This week, we don't even sit on the same sofa anymore. On our respective laptops...far away. He has always been open to letting me snoop if I want on his phones and laptops. I don't want to...so I don't think I will.

The sexy romantic moments are gone though--there is no dancing in the dark, no touching. No flirting. There just isn't any affection either. When I mention this he just says it's all stress related to working, earning and our children.

He says I'm not very affectionate either...but it's not true. I am. I try to hold his hand, I try to hug him. I try to make an effort with conversation. I even watch Dr.Who with him.

Is this it?

I think what you have described sounds like a perfectly normal relationship to me! You have kids and having dc with special needs must be extra tough. Do you ever find time to get away just the two of you or would it be too difficult with the kids?

he took me away once (after having dc1) just the two of us..it was lovely but we ended up home a day early.

we do have two date nights a week where we make an effort to spend time with each other.

Each date though, gets pretty boring. We used to both talk, now if I don't do all the talking we end up sitting in silence for hours. He can literally spend hours in silence.

I think he just doesn't love me anymore and it hurts.

I think every long term relationship has low periods.
I think 12 years and several children is not something you give up on without a fight.
You need to know better how he feels. does he love you?
Relationships change over time.

Why do you think he doesn't love you? 2 date nights a week sounds pretty good going to me! Maybe he's just bogged down with the stress of life that when he gets a minute to himself he is struggling to think of anything to say?

I think you should talk to him and tell him how you feel it may help to hear his side as he might be thinking that you don't love him!

This can be quite common in a long term relationship. It sounds as if you both need a hobby that can spark some life and conversation back into your lives. Is there something that you are both interested in, dancing for example. Or perhaps it would be nice to persue your own interests and share this on your date night.
I think he probably does love you but the daily humdrum of life is getting him down especially and you are both getting into a rut. It doesn't have to be terminal but may become so if you can't both work at revitalising your relationship. Good luck.

I've been married way longer than you and that sounds much like my marriage, even down to ds1 with sn, now an adult with sn and mh problems.When you say you just sit, is it a companiable silence or awkward? Is there something you can get involved in together, a relaxed DVD and bottle of wine rather than the artificiality that can be date night? (We couldn't even do that pre kids without boredom setting in) We started going to pub quiz, pretty hard to sit in silence when arguing about capital cities of South america.
Dont give up yet.

hmm. sounds like a fairly reasonable long-term relationship to me.

It used to be a normal okay-ish silence. We always touched though. We would sit in a way that some bit of us was touching. Be it our thighs, or our feet. We will occasionally take turns making each other a snacks.

I don't want to become interesting for him, if I become interesting (through some miracle) I want to be interesting to me first. I just don't know where I'll find the time.

Do you have hobbies/interests either together or separately?

The thing is, when you've been living with someone for a long time, what are you going to talk about? My exH and I found that on the very rare occasion we got a night out, we'd have nothing to say. Not because we didn't talk at all, but because we'd done the pointless intellectualising; the debating; the analysing; etc at home and when we went out, we ended up talking about the children because they were pretty much the only good thing in our lives.

If you have lives outside of each other and outside of the family, when you are together, you'll have new stories, new "you'll never guess what happened..." moments.

That way, you would be becoming interesting for yourselves, but the other person would benefit, and then so would you, as a couple.

If you're still having 2 date nights a week and neither of you are suspicious the other is being unfaithful, then it doesn't sound like your marriage is over, it sounds like it just needs a bit of, well, livening up.

The way you keep protesting 'I love him' throughout your story make me think it's yourself you're trying to convince. :)

'Love' is a verb or, to put it in primary school terms, 'a doing word'. It's not enough to say you love someone or believe you love someone, you have to do love as well. It's also not a one-man job. Two people who claim to love each other have equal responsibility to show that love. Whatever it is that's missing, both agree to do more of it. If it's important to both of you, you'll make the time. Priorities.

Seems to me your life is dull and boring and you blame it on your relationship.

If he works from home then he knows everything there is to know about your lives. What is there to say?

I dont think you need two date nights, maybe you need time apart to do something interesting. How about you both take up different hobbies?

I agree with all of those saying this sounds pretty normal for a long term relationship, but that these things come and go. I also wonder if you're just generally a bit dissatisfied and casting around for somewhere to leave the blame (I have done this myself in the past).

What do you think about people's responses?

I understand I think.

Your life is hard and mundane. You look to your relationship to provide the sparks and the respite from the mundanity. But that isn't what it is going to do after a long time, not always at least. The excitement and the romance comes and goes.

What helps me is finding things outside of the relationship to give me joy and satisfaction. THen I bring what it gives me back to the marriage. H does the same. A marriage cannot be a closed environment.

Hi ladies,

thank you very much for your responses. I do feel like I don't exactly know how to show him how I feel anymore. I pay him compliments whenever he says or does something nice (which he does all the time) and I make sure to thank him for all the little things he does...The thing is, we're both always saying thank you to each other, complimenting each others appearances. Commenting on the good things that have happened...but it's all just dull.

I have no idea how to even find the time to come up with a hobby; I used to read. It sounds like such a luxury now.

As far as being dissatisfied with myself; I enjoy my job and I love being a mother. So the time I spend working and mothering does fill me with a sense of fulfilled energy.

There are lots of things otherwise that do bother me and can affect me negatively, for example I'm not slim and pretty anymore. I wear shit loads of makeup; I can pretend to artistically enhance myself and use my 'creativity' for good. It's Halloween every single day with me. However, I have to keep things moving. I feel if I ever took a day to just think about me and my feelings I wouldn't be able to leave the house for weeks.

I also feel quite lonely when it comes to my DC1. I don't let self pity cloud my daily existence but it definitely haunts my alone time. We stay incredibly positive around our children and others so that DC1 isn't discounted or excluded from demands of daily activities...and also so he doesn't fall victim to self pity by letting his limitations become larger than his potential.

Will all of this resolve itself if I get a hobby? Will my Dh be interested in me enough to sit next to me on the sofa if I read a book? Or have I just bored him out of the marriage and he's just soldiering on?

What about trying Relate? Underneath all of this energy you sound so sad.

I do believe that exercise or counselling or reading around this would help you though.

I think you're right. I will get out to the gym tonight and pick up a book. Engaging myself should definitely help me find joy in my spare time. Perhaps dh will pull up one of his own hobbies and we can meet somewhere in the middle.

Do some things to help you feel good about yourself - exercise (C25k is good and doable for everyone). Dancing (or learning to) is fun, active and sociable.

Why not just snuggle up to your husband on the sofa - show him how its done.

He sounds like an introvert
You sound like an extrovert

Pursuing separate interests is good, but what about taking up a mutual interest together as well? Preferably one where you are both starting at the same level and required to interact with each other and others - dance classes? Volunteering? Joining a walking group?

This would give you the exercise you've been missing (besides being more fun andsocial than gyms, bleh!) while also giving the two of you something to talk about.

An example: we have two DC, one of whom is still a toddler, and no one to act as a sitter regularly so date nights are out.

DH and I got into boardgaming when I was pregnant, anaemic and tired all the time, partly for entertainment and partly to get DS1 off bloody Minecraft! Sooo, we set up a boardgaming club that meets monthly in a local hall. Through it, we've met other families and a real mix of people, plus we get to socialise during family-friendly hours, with our DC,and at no cost.

Could you talk to your DH and see if there's an interest he'd like to pursue that you also like the sound of?

I could be wrong but I think most couples in long term relationships end up talking about what happened at work that day and who said what to who. If he works from home a lot, that limits his options.
You'll have to go out places with another couple or group of people. You'll find that the conversation flows more not just with the others but also between the two of you.

He sounds like an introvert -You sound like an extrovert

This is exactly what I was going to say. Perhaps do a bit of research on introverts.

I think there's a world of difference between a contented silence and an uncomfortable silence. Which one is yours?

Yes, he is introverted. I am extroverted.

The silence isn't uncomfortable, it's just new. We're sitting on the same couch tonight. I hope that the rest of my life/happiness isn't dictated by which sofa we sit on every night.

I agree with you about a hobby. I'll sort out how to make myself interesting. I haven't even sorted out Halloween costumes yet.