What if your STBXH was divorcing you based only on what others have told him and not what actually HAPPENED ! (MH issues)

[catfourfeet]

Hi all

Not posted in some time, Bit of background.

4 years ago STBXH ( then DH) had a severe mental break down (initially diagnosed as dementia). His memory was less than 3 minutes.

I then had to take over our business, raising our 4 dcs (11,9,7,5 at the time) and EVERTHING to do with the home.

He was capable of helping out at home but didn't.

I tried , really tried to keep it "all going" but the stress drove me to the brink of suicide. DH was also vile, utterly vile to me, but just to me.

My sister "helped" by making appointments for DH to get a second diagnosis, therapy, advocacy, mediation, access to his medical notes. All without my knowledge.

Helped by my sister and his sister he left us 2 years ago and lives near his family 3.5 hours away.

He instigated the divorce and the 7 PAGES of "reasons" were written when he had a memory of less than 3 minutes. Its full of things that just NEVER happened and I can prove that they didn't.

He can only base what happened between us ( in the two years from the start of his illness to moving out) based on what others have told him, and they weren't there !!!

For instance, the main reason he lost his licence was not that he was caught drunk driving and speeding but that 6 months BEFORE I told the police he was "lost with dementia".

I did get the police to look for him when he had been missing for 7 HOURS but I never, NEVER said he had dementia , because at that point his diagnosis wasn't dementia.

sooooooooo what now , His memory is now much improved ( though not "right" yet)

He is still going ahead with the divorce, but my dilemma is this ( and I know I should be "Over it all" I really do) .

How do I reconcile the fact that he is divorcing me based on a pack of lies with the fact that he has NEVER asked me ( or even asked though others) what happened and has just taken my sister and his sister at their word.

He has form for believing others over me.

Sorry for the essay !

Well done if you have got this far

I NEED to move on , I WANT to move on , please help

I'm being divorced on a pack of lies, to be honest it really doesn't matter as long as he's not pursuing costs.

I didn't bother contesting it because it's a waste of time and money.

Once he's filed, you can then get your child arrangements and settlement sorted out and move on.

You can just sign the acknowledgement of service and say you don't agree with the reasons given, but you agree that the marriage has irrevocably broken down.

I've read your past threads cat, honestly I think I'd just want this over with now if I were you. I don't know what happens if you disagree with the reasons.

Is he having any contact with your children now?

The reasons really don't matter, just get it over with.

Hi luna

Sadly he doesn't see the children. all my fault of course !

He never rings, texts, writes.

He skyped last week after a 6 month gap.

the reasons do matter to me.

What if your DH was divorcing you because of an OM and there wasn't any, and never had been, an OM ?

I would reply and say

"The reasons you have given are not true (evidence attached). As the divorce is a legal document I am not comfortable with effectively committing perjury and admitting to things that are not true. If you re-file with the following reasons then I am happy to agree"

And then give him some true reasons that you can live withh for divorcing you. (In my opinion even a really good marriage has events which could be used for divorce if the other person really wanted so you probably can think of some things. Were there times when you put the children above him?)

Btw - I'm not a surrendered wife who thinks you should put hubby first - just thinking that there are a few times since the kids were born when I've done things that make me a good mother but a much less good wife. If dh wanted to use them to divorce me I'd be relatively ok with it as I'd rather be a good mother and rubbish wife than a good wife and rubbish mother.

I do agree with everyone else that the easiest thing would be to just live with it but it sounds like you can't.

Have a look at this.

www.foundationyears.org.uk/2014/10/governments-response-to-eypp-consultation/

Thinking about it, if you've been living apart for 2 years you can just divorce because of that. No need to quibble about anything else.

i'm hoping he will now agree to divorce on 2 years separation. that at least , is "real".

I just struggle ,really , really struggle that he "hates" me based only on what others have told him.

but then if he is ( once again) putting others opinions above mine then hes not worth me anyway.

Oh, no, I feared this would be you.

I understand that you don't want to put your name to his petition for divorce, but it is really important for you to be divorced, for your own sanity and happiness.

Could you counter-file your own petition for divorce?

Or, given how long you have been separated, is there no decree nisi in place, which could be succeeded by a decree absolute?

Sorry - not that - this!

www.gov.uk/divorce/respond-to-a-divorce-petition

Note to self - Select AND copy!

I've read your previous threads too. I'm so sorry it's come to this. The MH issues were terrible enough, but the family interference was such a kick in the teeth.

Personally, in your place I'd agree to anything to get it over and done with. But I would also explain to the DCs that that was what I had done, and why (maybe not now, but when each is old enough to understand).

Isn't it possible to agree to the divorce but not the reasons?

I think that is possible. I have no legal knowledge though.

Unfortunately the man you loved 'died' a long time ago. If you can think like that and that you are divorcing a stranger would it help you move on?

I wouldn't admit to things that weren't true. Can you get one of those no fault divorces and just both agree to divorce because of breakdown of marriage. I'd get a solicitor if you haven't got one already. It sounds as if you have been through a very bad time.

The dcs know ( age appropriate) all that has gone on.

Ive had councelling and it really helped with settign boudaries ( especially as ds the DCs)

I just feel that STBXH has been "cheated" out of making HIS decisions.

Buuuttttt .... he's CHOSEN to live in his little "bubble" and ignore real life, what is actually real.

I wouldn't even date a man who treated his dc's the way stbxh has treated out dcs.

sorry for spelling

Yes he's been manipulated but equally he has chosen to withdraw from you and the DCs and that's all on him. He could have spoken to you if he wanted to confirm anything but he hasn't.

This is probably going to sound completely off the wall but have you ever watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

In the first episode a lifelong friend of two of the main characters is caught by the vampires and turned into one. Anyway - Giles (Anthony Stewart-Head) says "remember when you are looking at Jesse you are not looking at your friend - you are looking at the thing that killed him".

For some reason I found that very useful with my grandfather (who had Alzheimer's and became violent.)

ok - probably is off the wall - just ignore me.

It really does books down to how much it bothers you. As far as I know it is basically never used/mentioned or needed again . Does it really matter? Surely it's just like this whole sorry episode that has been your life for the last few years and the quicker it is done with the better?

good point ehric,

and thanks to all the posters, I know, just KNOW what i need to do. its just doing it thats the issue.

My Dh did "die" 4 years ago, he did

I've read your threads before, and your situation is one of the worst I've read here. I've always suspected that the motivation of the sisters was power and/or money.

I can well understand your wish for the truth to come out, but given the two sisters behaviours in the past, that's not likely to happen, especially with a divorce petition that sounds just full of malice.

I think that now the sisters have gone for a nasty divorce petition, when they could have gone for a two-years-separated divorce by consent, you need to get a good solicitor. They are likely to go for a nasty financial settlement as well, and you need to protect your children's interests.

You can counter petition - I did due to the lies. I also couldn't live with that. It raised eyebrows in court but so what. But I do totally agree with Wanda.

Hopefully going through with 2 years separation now. Just have to wait and see. Original divorce set in April 2013. He left 2 years in aug 2014.

Good quote from buffy :-)

Life goes on eh ?

thanks all :-)

I agree with you and poster above correct and state the true reasons because it a legal document and then offer the two year separation divorce instead
As it is also a matter of public record there's no way I want my Dcs looking it up seeing all those lies
It will be tough but worth it in the end

Good luck, catfourfeet. You really deserve to get out of the clutches of this horror. A "separation" divorce sounds best, and the best reflection of what has happened.

Hope to "see" you on MN again in happuer circumstances, next time!