I've been agonising about this for just over two weeks now - since I became aware of an intense sexual attraction to a guy I work very closely with. It's highlighted to me that my otherwise wonderful dh & amazing father to our children sees sex with me as addressing his needs primarily rather than something which should be a mutually desirable activity.
I'm not long back in a new job after a few years as a SAHM and at first I just assumed it was due to me getting a huge confidence boost at being my own person again after the hard graft of looking after small children (I adore my wonderful children :-) but was a reluctant SAHM due to redundancy and the time taken to find a suitable role.)
But the intensity of this attraction has really knocked me for 6. Think teenage hormonal mess. I go through periods of the day feeling extremely aroused 
. Thing is I barely know him, he's much younger and we certainly don't flirt. (And this is a whole other problem for another thread but he 'knows' I'm sure of it, I keep on catching his eye etc. etc... Oh the humiliation!!! And yes I know to avoid nights out and all the rest, getting another job isn't an option, quitting this one is but I really really don't want to do that.) and I'm not unaware of how disgusted I would be at a married man lusting after a younger female colleague in a similar fashion. I really wish I didn't feel like this!!
So much much naval gazing going on. I love my husband dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with him but it's going to take some work and this is where I would really like some advice.
Our sex life hasn't been great since having children - well it's been me that's not really been that bothered to be honest. And I put it down to initially the healing after tearing, the usual tiredness (we have no real external support), extended breastfeeding hormones, being 'touched out', body confidence, recurring cystitis (due to sex) - the usual post baby no libido stuff!
And it seemed from talking to friends that this was far from unusual, so I didn't worry too much and just assumed in time that that part of our relationship would get back on track.
But it's now dawned on me in light of this major work crush that I am still alive sexually and that it's issues with dh and his behaviour (and my lack of proper & timely response to it) that is the major problem.
I'd pre children always had quite a high sex drive and in the early stages I was very much in the driving seat so to speak, I think due to me being that bit more confident and so on. But I did get to a point where I got a bit fed up of that and I suppose that's where I should've nipped this in the bud. But I enjoyed it and all seemed fine. A warning sign looking back on it was that he would knead my boobs in a painful way and would do it time and time again despite me telling him not to. He would always apologise and say he was getting carried away in the moment, it took me to shouting at him one time for him to never do it again. (In contrast he told me early on he didn't like his nipples being touched, never happened again).
Roll on to now and he can be quite pushy in bed when it's clear I'm not in the mood. I get that libidos aren't always matched up and all that but I'm ultimately quite distressed by the fact he would happily have sex even though I wasn't in to it.
He has always stopped when I've said no, but there's often an 'are you sure?' But as I said it's the treating me as an object to satisfy him that is the crux of the problem. I even recently lept out of bed and told him to stop treating me like a fucking sex doll.
Thing is when I am in the mood I do enjoy it, it's just it's not very often. And it's hard for him to be in a relationship which doesn't meet his needs, I do get that. I think society has an awful lot to answer for on this, he's in no way a bad person, and he would be horrified to have this pointed out.
But I need to talk to him - and sorry for the long post, how on earth do I go about it? I'm considering getting relationship counselling on my own to get it all clear in my head and advice on how to broach this without breaking his heart. He adores me (as do I him) and would do anything to fix this problem once he's aware of it I'm sure. Has counselling worked for anyone in a similar situation?
Or would a letter be a good starting point? To be honest I don't know when we would even have the time, but we must make it. Or else I'm going to destroy our marriage by potentially having an affair.
(As an aside this has made me realise how easily affairs can happen, I'm going to be a little less judgemental from now on. Although one thing I've noticed - I'm actually concerned for my 'crushee''s well being too. I bet many married men who want to get their rocks off don't give a second thought to the mess they cause the OW (wife of course goes without saying). I have no desire for a relationship with him. Just hot sex. Which is never going to happen!)