This is long, I'm sorry, but I need some advice from the Mumsnet collective.
I've been posting about my marriage under a few usernames for about 4 years now. Over the last couple of years I realised DH is emotionally abusive, passive aggressive, bullying, financially controlling and uses a variety of tactics to stop me going out with friends, reading books, seeing my family, working late - having a life basically.
Once the penny dropped, it was like a stain on a carpet, I couldn't not see it. Every day I'd hear the criticism, the tone of voice, I'd be ignored for days if I came home later than he expected me to. On and on it went until I thought "this guy actually hates me."
So it came to a head a year or so ago when I had a "I can't live like this anymore" hissy fit. Since then I have been still living like this and it's been a living hell for me (and probably him too).
I stopped having sex with him, and he told me I'm frigid.
He's told me I'll never meet anyone else if we divorce - which didn't bother me one bit.
I've also met with a lawyer, just to understand the process if I was to instigate a break up.
He acts like he's the perfect husband, tells me this is all in my head, I'm making it up, that he knows he treated me badly, but that's all in the past and I need to let it go, move on, try harder etc, that I'm damaging our marriage by not acting like everything is fine.
I've bought the book "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay" because there are days when I think I could just put up with it for the sake of my 2 DCs, but then I also think that staying will damage them and me.
I have no fear of being alone, just the logistics of it all seem so overwhelming - house, cars, pensions, schools, finances.
Having said all that, since the hissy fit, I've completely withdrawn from him, I focus on my DCs, my home, my friends and my job, and he really doesn't like it. I'm friendly towards him, but don't put up with his shit any more and there's no physical contact at all. If he starts his nonsense I tell him that it's unacceptable, not to speak to me like that, that I don't need his approval etc. He says I've turned into a hard bitch, and I'm really not. I'm just standing up for myself.
So it's gone from him being emotionally abusive to where I'm now doing a version of the same thing to him, and while I think he's caused this and I deserve better, I'm starting to feel bad about how I'm behaving towards him. I do think and have said that he should find someone who ticks the boxes that I don't, and that neither of us are happy, but he wants us to stay together and me to try harder, but I don't actually want to try because I can't see this ever working out. We are so fundamentally different these days, the DCs are all we have in common.
To make matters worse, I've become quite close to a colleague, someone I only actually see at work once or twice a month. There's nothing physical at all, I don't see him outside of work, we're just good friends (that old chestnut) and there's no discussion or plans around that ever happening, but I'm regularly imagining a completely different life, which my colleague doesn't actually know about, and doesn't necessarily involve him, but it has made me recognise that I've checked out of my marriage and want something and somebody different.
DH knows things are at crisis point, but wants me to make the decision, so he can blame it all on me (he told me this), and if I do it, he says I'd need to leave the house, and leave the DCs with him, which I'd never do.
I am totally paralysed by indecision. I want out, but don't know what's best for the DCs, I'm unsure if I'm making a mistake, and what if he's right and I am making things worse in my head than they actually are because I've checked out. I know I'm doing him no favours by staying, but he also has a choice to stay or go, and he's choosing to stay.
I'm not having an affair, I have no intention of doing that - even though DH thinks I am "if you're not having sex with me you must be having it with someone else" er, no. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of being able to say I left him for someone else, and besides, I really wouldn't want to complicate my life any further then it already is.
I just can't see the wood for the trees. I'm sorry this is so long, but didn't want to drip feed. Thanks if you've read all the way to here 