Help please. Completely failed to get over ex.

[despondentlymovingon]

Hi, new name for this as I don't want to be identifiable.

Have been split from stbxh for a year and nearly 5 months. Have just split up with bf who I was in a relationship with for a year. Am devastated about both break ups.

I was with stbxh from mid teens (he was 8 yrs older), married young, had 3 children, lovely house, rosy future, except he became horribly abusive towards me and I ended it after 14 years because of his nasty behaviour. I got back with him 6 months later, he promised he'd change, and his behaviour during the split had ground me down so much I couldn't carry on without him. Predictably he didn't change. Months later he was violent towards me, so I ended it again.

I was determined to move on, not to get sucked back in by stbxh, so started dating just a couple of months after separating, just after some good times. The new guy was sweet and funny, great in bed, fun to be with, BUT lived a fair distance away and has kids of his own so we could only see each other twice a week. Thought that was ideal at the start, kept him separate from my life.

The year with him was amazing, loads of fun new things, we fell in love. We also fell out a lot about all kinds of things. I dumped him several times for almost nothing.

Last week it became clear we wanted different things for the future - i'd eventually like him to move in, not soon, but in several years, so we could have a chance to have a baby of our own if our lives (and children) were settled enough; he wants to move in after kids have all left home (13 yrs min) as he likes how his life is now. So I have ended it because I can't cope with a long distance bf for so long, I need to see him more than twice a week for the next x years. Basically I wanted him there for me and he never could be.

Anyway, to get to the point: exboyfriend says he was reluctant to make plans to move in together because I am still in love with stbxh. I've always denied this, but today it hit me that actually that is true.

Despite everything I am still in love with the man my stbxh was when we first met, before marriage, before he became depressed and mean. And I don't want to be. I have no idea how to get over him properly, it feels like I never will. For a while it felt like I had it all. We were so in love and so happy. I miss that. He was always a bit controlling, but gradually got worse and worse. The first years we were together he took care of me and I felt loved and I loved him back. That is the feeling I want back, but with someone new. I miss my old life, my old house, everything.

Life now feels hollow and lonely. Even more so now I am missing my lovely exboyfriend. I loved him too, but couldn't take being a bit-part in his life.

Is it possible to truly get over your first love when you have children together and shared a life and plans for the future? I want to be able to properly move on and love wholeheartedly again.

I don't want to date anyone else for now, or get back together with my exbf. Stbxh is now horribly abusive, so getting back with him is out of the question. I want to be single for a while and move on, but am desperately lonely and tbh feel completely incapable of managing alone, not the practical stuff, but emotionally.

Sorry that is an epic post! Help please...

Firstly I think a separation can take anywhere between 2-4 years to recover from so I think its still too soon for you to be fully over your ex.As you refer to 'soon to be' I guess you are not yet divorced? I think this is an important.You need time and space to grieve for the losses - marriage, home, future etc.You will recover but it takes time.

You mention you feel incapable of coping emotionally when not in a relationship, what's behind this? Its an honest statement to make but without understanding the cause of this you are likely to end up in relationships that aren't right for you.These feelings are often linked to childhood abandonments so perhaps you need to explore your past as a means of moving forward.

I was married and then a single parent for several years so I know the journey to recovery however time is a healer and my single days became very happy times.The best time to start a relationship is when you are totally happy to be alone..you know then that you are making the right decisions as you don't fear being alone.

My goodness, you're expecting a lot of yourself! You won't be over the ex-h for ages yet, never mind the one who came next.

It takes a while to heal and to grow into the person you are without them. Be kind to yourself.

Agreeing with PPs, a year and a bit is not much time at all. Especially not given you were the victim of abuse. Those kinds of relationships cast very long shadows & damage people quite badly because there is a lot of manipulation involved.

Have you ever sought counselling?

Thanks for your replies, really helps actually...except possibly you angela, though that did make me laugh! What on earth?!

I suppose it is too soon to be over him/them, I have no patience and want to skip to the bit where everything feels ok...

Patronisingbitch (i love your name) I do expect too much of myself, and am consequently always failing.

Newstart, hope the divorce does help, nearly there now but he is not making it easy. And not really childhood abandonment, but I never felt cared for as a child, unloved and always in the wrong. I like having someone to love me, and to love. And because I moved straight in with my future husband so young I've never really been single as an adult so maybe I just haven't learnt to cope yet. I've struggled the last year with loneliness and anxiety despite having a long-distance bf, so maybe I am learning a bit as I have somehow survived this far!

How did you make single life happy? Really struggling.

Cogito, I have had quite a lot of counselling, before, during and after the break up with stbxh. I really believe in counselling when you have problems, but it is expensive, hard to fit in, and the last few times I went I just didn't find it helped really, so have stopped going. Ran out of things to discuss. Just me saying how crap everything is, how I don't want my life to be like this but I am already doing everything I can. The counsellor agreed with me, it is crap but that is how it has worked out, so just got to keep going somehow. It is the somehow bit that I can't work out, I feel crushed by it all.

Maybe I do need a magic spell after all...

Patronisingbitch (i love your name)
I've been longing for someone to quote me under this name! Its fabulous, isn't it?

It is. Very!
Having spent the evening crying think I should probably go to bed. So fed up of feeling like this. Maybe a fabulous new name would help....

its worth a try. hope you're asleep by now. sleep helps.

If you've had counselling already and gone as far as you can go with that then all you have left to you is 'time' I'm afraid. If life is crap, do your best to un-crap it. If you're lonely, be with people you like (not dating necessarily). If your life lacks excitement, seek excitement. If you're not getting the most out of being an independent woman, see if you can try new things that take advantage of being a free agent.

I've stood in your shoes. I do know how disorientating it feels to suddenly go from being a couple to a single.... everything from Christmas to booking a holiday to wallpapering a room has to be done differently. Fourteen years with someone - however horrible they ended up - and they leave a big gap that takes time to fill. Sorry not to be more optimistic but I don't think this is something you can rush.

That's it cogito. It all has to be done differently and in a much less fun way. Doesn't help that exboyfriend is now being vile over breaking up. I wanted to remember him as a good guy, but I'm less sure now. Still miss him though and would like him to at least be kind.

Better get on with another day.

What Cogito said.

Also, do anything you can think of to boost your self-esteem: it really is when you love yourself (and stop being hard on yourself) that you will feel good in OR out of a relationship. Filling that emotional void in the only healthy way.

I use affirmation tapes. Sounds corny, but it has really helped me turn the emotional corner that I'd been looking for for 3 years post-split with abusive ex-h. As well as just generally being busy and active doing the things you love: this will demonstrate to you, over and over, that you are totally great as you are, and more than able to cope on your own two feet.

Thanks for that GoatsDoRoam.

A plus side (one of the few) of being a single mum is lots of people tell me how great I am. Trying hard to believe that.

I am coping much better today. Yesterday I realised that actually I don't still love stbxh I just love my old life. That helps.

Lovely exboyfriend might want to have another go. Really don't know what I want to do at the moment so I'm just going to have some time away from him and wait and see how I feel.

I miss him. The last few days have been horrible, full of heartbreak because I thought I'd lost him. I've given up on our future together and now he might want to try again but spend more time together and be a bigger part of my life. That's what I wanted last week, but now I feel so unsure of him after the break up.

Breaking up with him was mostly my fault really, for being demanding and then instantly dumping him instead of discussing things properly, discussing what could be different. I do that over and over again. Arguments end before they have really started with me saying it is over. Then leaving. Then we discuss it while split up (usually over 24 hours) and it turns out to be not much of a problem so get back together. I can't seem to argue with him at all without wanting out. What is wrong with me?

There's not really a lot of point keep hashing over past mistakes. Yes, you need to be self-aware and I'm sure your counselling has helped you understand more about yourself but repeated breast-beating over regrets will not help you make a better future. Learn from your mistakes rather than berating yourself over them.... make a negative into a positive.

What I would learn from that last paragraph you wrote is that you lack confidence and are insecure. You settled down very early which may indicate a problematic upbringing that lacked love. You possibly don't think you deserve love so you tend to go on the defensive, 'testing' your ex with the repeated demands/dumping attention-seeking behaviour..... possibly getting reassurance & satisfaction from being persuaded back each time. You derive self-esteem from the attentions of others because you lack it internally and - no offence intended - emotionally you are relatively immature. When others reject you, you have no reserves and no resilience. Stop me if I'm way off the mark..... :)

So I would take from this that you have to mature emotionally, build your confidence and locate your self-esteem. For this you're going to have to do the one thing that you don't like which is to live independently. Work out who you are, what you like about yourself, what you're good at. Set yourself some goals that you can shoot for.... gain a sense of personal achievement. Spend time with other independent women rather than looking at couples and pining. Please resist the temptation to go back into our old behaviour pattern by getting back with the old boyfriend.

Good luck

Most men or women that are abuse are abusive because of low self esteem.

Sorry but low self esteem is NOT a good enough excuse to be emotionally abusive to someone.

You need time to yourself and sort out your self esteem and then think about relationships.

FWIW Its only been a year with your BF but you are bickering already; maybe the relationship has ran its course, stop wasting time by going back and forth.