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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Having the wobbles about ending it

4 replies

Stupid100 · 26/10/2014 15:26

I posted on here 6 months ago after finally realising I was possibly in a controlling abusive relationship.

I made the decision to end the relationship and was trying to get my life in order, I confronted him with many signs of emotional, financial and controlling abuse and he said he would get help. He went for one therapy session, one.

About a month or so into our separation I was back in the relationship, to this day I can't even pinpoint when I agreed to this but all of a sudden he was back and the kids were happy that he was.

I had begun the process in my head of 'letting go' and haven't been happy since.
He was (and is) exactly the same as he was before (of course) the only difference is now I am working again and earning my own money so I am less financially dependent on him. But I earn no way in the same figures as him, well I don't actually know what he earns as he has never told me and I have never seen a wage slip!

About a month ago I saw signs of him controlling our eldest and it broke my heart. I asked her if she had noticed him doing this to her and she said "he has done it all my life mum, I don't know any different". I made a vow that moment that, no matter how much it kills me or my kids that their mum and dad are no longer together, it was over. And it has been ever since.

He is still living here but is looking at places to move into after xmas, I would like the kids to find out after Christmas too, not now.

The only problem is that he won't fully accept I am done. He still tries to cuddle me, kiss me, have sex with me and I have refused everything. I can't and won't go back. He says he loves me and still finds me attractive. I don't feel the same way but I can feel him wearing me down.

He talks of how heartbroken our youngest will be as he idolises his dad and all I can see is families (mum, dad, kids) everywhere.

I don't know what I am trying to say but please someone tell me I can do this and things will be okay.
I don't ever want another relationship. I just want my children to be happy but I am breaking up the family unit so that's not the way...

OP posts:
dadwood · 26/10/2014 15:32

Hi OP I have heard that preserving the family unit is a favourite ploy of controlling partners when other approaches no longer work.

I have also read many times on MN that children are happier when their parents are, no matter whether they seperate. I don't remember examples the other way round.

Stupid100 · 26/10/2014 15:45

Thank you dadwood I need to keep telling myself that

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2014 15:48

I think you're going to have to make a clean break and soon rather than letting him set the pace. You're right. He is not taking you seriously at all and any ideas of him finding a place are probably not going to materialise. If wearing you down is his usual tactic - and let's be honest, it's been successful so far - then expect more of the same.

So you'll have to drive this one, even if it is at an inconvenience to yourself or the DCs. Not Christmas therefore.

maras2 · 26/10/2014 16:01

Have you re homed your cat or is it still a victim of his cruelty? Please don't let him stay.Your children will thank you eventually for getting him out.Get back in touch with WA.Please.

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