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Relationships

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Original poster

Pregnant, on holiday, v happy. Just seen ex - what do I do?

31 replies

pippinleaf · 26/10/2014 13:14

I'm on holiday with my husband and six months pregnant bump. We are celebrating a year since our engagement. Everything in life is lovely.

We were just in town popping into a little shop when I quickly pulled hubbie out of the shop as my ex was in there talking to the man behind the counter. I've been with my husband for two years, and we got together almost straight after my and my ex of four years split up.

My ex was a total pig to me and had cheated on me for two years of our relationship. We split as he pulled out of buying a house with me on the day of exchange and confessed his affair. He said he wanted to be honest, the affair was over, before we committed. We limped on for a short time and then I ended it. It was, as you can imagine, not a happy split and the relationship is a very unpleasant memory.

My preference would be to not see this ex ever, ever again. The problem is that we are on holiday for a week in a very small little town/village and I imagine the chances of bumping into him again are pretty high. I told my husband why I had dragged him out of the shop and he got quite upset at the thought of bumping into my ex.

I don't want to hide away all week. What to do? I could email my ex saying I'd seen him, ask him how long he's in the place for and hope it's just the weekend? I don't know anyone who is in touch with him so can't find out how long he's here for without asking him. We've had no contact since I got engaged and told him I wanted his emails etc. to stop.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2014 13:29

Why would you hide? It's been several years since you were together, everyone seems to have moved on and would it really kill anyone to acknowledge each other's presence?

guitarosauras · 26/10/2014 13:32

You're being slightly ott.

You get on with your life and let him get on with his.

Worry about your ex makes me think that you're not as happy and carefree as you'd like us to believe.

SelfLoathing · 26/10/2014 13:33

What to do? I could email my ex saying I'd seen him, ask him how long he's in the place for and hope it's just the weekend?

Don't be ridiculous.

You have no idea why he was there. It maybe the last day of his holiday. He could have just been passing through.

This is all in your head "I imagine the chances of bumping into him again are pretty high"

Do nothing. Carry on. You probably won't see him again. If you do, ignore him. Pretend you don't know who he is. If he comes to say hello, just say hello and prepare a polite-ish line that makes the position clear.

"Hello. I don't have anything against you but I'm sure you'll understand we don't have anything to say to each other. If you'll excuse me" and turn away.

SelfLoathing · 26/10/2014 13:34

PS: in my experience (including my own) if someone starts suggesting they contact an ex where there is no need, it is because on some level they are excited by the thought of that contact.

Don't do it.

TeaAndALemonTart · 26/10/2014 13:35

Just ignore him if you see him

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 26/10/2014 13:35

This is all a bit melodramatic, isn't it ?

26Point2Miles · 26/10/2014 13:36

Think it's time to grow up

What did your poor partner make of it all?

Original poster

pippinleaf · 26/10/2014 13:39

Some harsh responses. There is no part of me that is excited by any contact with him. I am as happy 'as I make out.' Maybe it is an ott response but panic is my response. Maybe the hormones are making me more ott than I'd usually be. My husband was lovely about it and said he'd be shaken if he bumped into one of his exes too.

OP posts:

Nomama · 26/10/2014 13:39

Oh dear. Now you current DP is wondering why you are making such a fuss? Do you still have feelings, isn't he good enough for you? etc etc.

As others have said, time to grow up, lose the melodrama and concentrate on enjoying what you have - as opposed to worriting over what you used to have that was not as rosy as you wanted it to be.

If you do see him again, make eye contact, smile, say hello and walk on by!

SelfLoathing · 26/10/2014 13:43

There is no part of me that is excited by any contact with him.

Are you really sure about that? Even subconsciously?

If you are panicking as you say and don't want to see him (and I assume haven't had any contact for 2 years), why ON EARTH would you suggest emailing him to see how long he is going to be there for?

As I said, the fact you are thinking about this sounds like an excuse for contact.

Viviennemary · 26/10/2014 13:48

I'd certainly not advise e-mailing him unless you want him to get the message that you want to see him again. I'd just carry on and if you see him let him decide if he wants to acknowledge you or not. You have obviously moved on and he probably has to especially if it wasn't a very happy relationship.

however · 26/10/2014 13:59

Give him a vague smile and move on if you see him. He doesn't matter anymore.

OiMissus · 26/10/2014 14:06

I think some of the comments are a little harsh. But only because I was also completely hormonally out of whack when pregnant.
It's ok.
Relax.
You probably won't see him again.
Forget you did and continue to enjoy your holiday. - don't spend it looking for him/expecting to see him.
If you bump into him, ignore him. If he speaks to you, then smile and walk away.
You are with your husband now, expecting your child and blissfully happy. Don't let anything change that.

OiMissus · 26/10/2014 14:07

NewEraNewMindset · 26/10/2014 14:09

I thought exactly the sane as SelfLoathing.

FannyFifer · 26/10/2014 14:15

I've bumped into ex's occasionally, just say hello if you see him & carry on with your holiday.
It's honestly not a big deal, you have a partner & are pregnant, who cares about an ex.

NewEraNewMindset · 26/10/2014 14:25

I wonder IC there are still huge amounts of unresolved emotions still wrapped up in this failed relationship? Not the sort of emotions that would lead to wanting to go back there, but sadness, frustration, anger and unanswered questions?

I think whilst I could imagine seeing my ex and saying hello and engaging in some small chat, someone else might not be A&E to do it at all and the only coping strategy is avoidance otherwise they become hugely anxious.

I think it's ok to see someone, say hello and then keep moving. The likelihood is you won't see him in a regular basis so it doesn't really matter if it's awkward.

NewEraNewMindset · 26/10/2014 14:26

Apols for autocorrect failures!!

mynewpassion · 26/10/2014 14:27

Why bother saying hello. Just ignore him and be happy with your DH and unborn baby.

Annarose2014 · 26/10/2014 14:29

This reaction is bizarre. Why don't you just go about your business and if you see him in the street just intentionally (and gleefully) blank him?

Why the pearl-clutching?

guitarosauras · 26/10/2014 14:32

'why the pear- clutching' I love this.

SanityClause · 26/10/2014 14:32

I understand why you would duck out of the shop. It was unexpected, and you didn't feel you could handle the situation right there and then.

But now you can be prepared for it.

Just remember, anything to do with you is none of his business. you owe him nothing. He's "somebody that you used to know".

LadyLuck10 · 26/10/2014 16:15

I don't think you have moved on really. Why would it bother you This much if you had? Please don't email him, that would just sound creepy.
You have your new baby and DH, focus on that.

Original poster

pippinleaf · 26/10/2014 16:55

I've not been clutching my pearls, or my pears.

Breaking up with him was very hard. He was cruel to me for a long time and it took all my strength to end it. Not because I loved him but because I felt, wrongly, that he was my last chance of a family and that somehow I was a failure if I couldn't cure him. He contacted me for a long time afterwards despite me ignoring all his contact. It wasn't an easy or 'normal' break up.

I suppose seeing him shot me back to those awful, hopeless, desperately sad and lonely feelings I'd had around the years of our relationship and particularly at the end.

I'm happy now and although not particularly empathetically worded - you're right in that it shouldn't matter to me and I should be ok just to walk by. I'm not concerned about what to say etc. just how to feel. I never told him what a complete ass he was to me and how angry I have been with how nasty he was able to be to me and I'm not going to tell him now either. Just had a sweaty moment of sheer panic to see him here, out of the blue.

Ill woman up and walk on.

OP posts:

Nomama · 26/10/2014 17:08

That's the way to go... consign him fully to the bin. You don't have to / want to have those feelings knocking around your brain, so much that the mere sight of him makes you panic a little bit.

As I said, focus on what you have and shove 'what didn't go right' out of your life, permanently.

But do spare a thought for your DH - he just might have been rattled by this too. I don't mean open up another discussion about it, just to be prepared if he brings it up again. You will need to be able to tell him quite calmly that seeing ex so suddenly caught you on the hop and brought back some memories you had hoped had gone.

But mainly - don't let the creep ruin your holiday. You can ignore or you can smile at him and walk on, head high!

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