arguing in a healthy way

[Anomaly]

I am fuming with DH and feel so unappreciated. Yesterday he got up early on my long lie day and went and did something related to his hobby. I took all three kids to a couple of activities with his parents in tow as they arrived Friday.

This morning I got up with the kids and left him in bed. As a family we go swimming on Sunday mornings but as his parents are here there was no need for me to go so I said I wasn't. He immediately said he was feeling ill and I'd have to go. He's not ill just said it maybe to be funny? To piss me off?

That was pretty much the first thing he said. I said he was going and that he owed me for yesterday keeping in mind that they'll be back before lunchtime and he was gone until mid-afternoon yesterday.

No thanks for the long lie, argued that yesterday was just one favour. Told me I was shouting when I wasn't tells me I'm moody. Despite my not going seemed to think I should help get everything ready. I feel I'm never allowed to be cross with him. I feel so frustrated - why couldn't he get up say thanks for the long lie and say fair enough don't come swimming. Now I'm at home fuming and I know it all seems petty and I expect he will come back and apologise but I feel like screaming.

I think you have to pick your battles in the first instance and resist the temptation to leap in with both feet in the second. There's no mileage to be had from bad-tempered point-scoring over every little thing. Was the schedule for the weekend clearly set out and agreed in advance? Did everyone commit to their various tasks?

Is this a normal scene in your home or a one-off? Do you feel unappreciated on a regular basis?

Generally we are really fair about the kids and their activities so he does one lot I do the other. So in some ways there isn't much to disagree on - we have a routine which works and is automatic. Him going out yesterday is a rarity and I was fine about it but thought that in his turn he'd be fine about me missing todays activity. So my not going today was a surprise but I feel a reasonable one. We get along great most of the time with maybe minor disagreements. Just every few months we have arguments that are awful and I think how we argue is at the root of the problem. I wanted to get counseling for it but DH sees that as tantamount to divorce. So I can suggest it but he will immediately think I'm planning on leaving when I just want to improve the relationship.

The thing that leaps out at me is the word 'thought'. You 'thought' he'd be fine about you missing the activity, for example. If I have a suggestion it's to eliminate assumptions like that. You can't always avoid it and there has to be room for spontanaeity but I think you can dodge a lot of problems if you are clear up front and in advance about what's happening rather relying on others thinking the same way that you are thinking.

Same goes for appreciation. It's great when it comes unprompted but, if that's not happening, a good short cut is to say 'I'm feeling unappreciated'... 'I'm doing a great job here'.... 'I need people to do/say 'X' so that I feel appreciated'. Be your own PR agent and say what you need.

Ah the thinking game!

We are playing this at the moment, I think we've gone back a level or two as we are having to have the 'don't think, talk' shriek conversation a lot.

He isn't all that good at it, he works away a lot so he doesn't get daily practice. Actually that applies to both of us!

Still, the fix is easy, and quite pleasant. A sit down talk, over a meal and all is sorted - until the next time