Do i stay or go...

[nerfy]

I've been with my DH for 8 years this December, married for 2, have a DD with him & he is step dad to my DS.
DH is a good loyal man but i've always found him a little too posessive, needy, controlling to a degree. Put it down to him obviously loving & caring for me.
I had a very difficult childhood with a mother who mentally abused me, left me when i was 12 & then my dad went & left me for a life with his new girlfriend when i was 14. I lived in some horrible places earning very little in an apprenticeship but fended for myself & im proud of that.
I had my DS at 20 whilst still carrying on working full time to provide for us both. Because of all of this i was a very independent woman, strong opinionated and just, well strong in all sense a woman needs to be when she's on her own providing.
DH came into our life when DS was about 3 & 1/2..that relationship is entirely different story.
A year later I moved DS & myself 70 miles away from our home & family to be with DH due to his work & me being pregnant with our DD.
I struggled massively for a long time after with being a new area, not knowing anyone, a new baby, husband working long day & night shifts, the breakdown of mine & mums relationship..we had had interaction over the years but then she turned in to a massive alcoholic which brought even more upset along.
I probably was a bit of a nightmare to live with, but i don't feel that was my fault, i simply couldn't deal with all the changes that had happened.
Because of my upbringing i'd also become very independent & strong opinionated, something DH was never really able to be comfortable with.

I am ashamed to admit i had a brief interaction with another man about 3 years ago. I've no excuse for it, i should have known better but it happened very briefly. DH found out and I think this was a bit of a turning point.
I obviously felt very ashamed for what had happened & didn't want to lose my family so grovelled, begged, did everything he said he wanted me to, to keep our family together.
We got married 7 months later & all was well.
I carried on being a SAHM, have been since DD came along but its never been something i enjoyed as such. I need work, routine, to be busy etc, i love my kids but being a SAHM just wasn't me. DH work & no family for childcare meant i had no option really as all of a wage i would earn would go on childcare...so i buckled down & got on with being the 'good housewife' supporting him with his career, him not lifting a finger for anything, not opening my mouth as much as i would normally, giving him what he wanted etc. Altho i've never been a highly sexed person, ironic i know given the fling but i dont think that was about sex, i think it was more the affection & attention side...but my lack of sex drive has always been an issue for DH as his is the opposite!!

But for the past year I've been on a downward spiral again with the effects of mine & mums relationship & the shame from the fling i had.
I've felt so low & so alone at times I've considered some awful things.
On the up side i finally managed to get a really good job with a company ive been wanting to get into for years & years, around 5months ago..and i've loved it.
But given my recent feelings & knowing i was struggling to deal with my emotions, i confessed to DH about it all, wanting him to help me, reassure me.
He did, to a degree. Said i wasn't worthless & I'm loved by all 3 of us and how some help is definately needed for me.

But then he went on to say how I've changed since i started work, that im right about his face glazing over when i talk about my work at the end of the day because no he doesn't want to hear about who I've spoke to or things that have happened. Why can't i finish at the time in contracted to so i can get home & we can have afternoon sex before picking DD up, he'd be so excited & happy to know i was on my way home to do that for us...how he's second guessing me since i started work as ive 'changed' & wondering if there's more to it than me just being committed to & enjoying my job..no matter how much he tells himself he's being stupid its hard when he knows our relationship has slipped into something it shouldnt be & more worryingly, like it used to be years ago.
He said for him the last 2 years up until i started work, have been really happy & he's been looking at me thinking how much he loves & fancies me & wondering when we can next have sex.
He wants me to look at changing my day off which is a friday to another day to fit in with when he's off shift so we can have the day together, i.e have afternoon sex no doubt, but I can't do this regularly.My contract is Mon-Thurs, they're really good in letting me change a day round for when it's half terms etc, but not just as a matter of course every other week or whatever.

I feel like I do really need some proper full on help with things in my head, to process things & learn how to deal with them. But I don't know if he can support me through that properly. We've not had sex for over a month now because of how i've been feeling about everything & feel too ashamed of things to be able to relax & want or enjoy it.
I feel like i've confided in him massively, i don't deal with talking about things easily at all, i'm not a big emotion shower or affection giver, it just isn't me. This is no secret, i've always been like it, probably because i never received it. DH has always had a go at me for years over it because he wants affection all the time, constant touching, showing affection etc. That doesn't come naturally to me at all. But i confided in him which took a lot for me to do, and i feel like he's turned it round back on me by saying how ive changed since starting work etc...i've said i feel ashamed for what happened those years back & how im struggling to be intimate because of that, yet his response is for me to finish early & have afternoon sex before picking kids up.

I do love him & care for him, we've had some really good times & ive been very lucky in a lot of respects. I try my best & have done to change over the years into the person he wants me to be for him, but i just can't do it.

I don't know what to do. He's put responsibility on to my shoulders as to what happens next.
Im concerned that if i go in for deep help to really sort out all my 'issues' is he going to be able to deal with us not being intimate whilst I go through the process & have things more on my terms whilst i learn how to be close to someone? I honestly don't think i've changed since i started work, i just haven't been the wife at home where he knows where I am & providing for him all the time..i don't think he gives me enough credit for fitting my work in around being a mother still too, esp with one child who has ASD, still be there for all the school stuff, maintain contact with my family who dont live close by, run a house, and be the dutiful wife.

Counselling will hopefully help me deal with my demons as he put it, but fundamentally it isn't going to change me as such. My personality is my personality, same as my thoughts, me opinions etc.
Im not prepared to compromise on my work. This might sound awful but i've waited 7 years to get back on the career ladder..7 years of supporting him in his career & being a mum..how's he going to react when i want to go full time because ive been offered a really good promotion, or when i want to increase my hours so I can get on there?

Help....please x

Counselling is not going to change your environment ie. your DH. The man you're describing is very controlling in a lot of ways. I believe he is using things like your past and your guilt over your 'brief interaction' as ammunition to keep you down and keep your self-confidence low. The day you grovelled and begged him to stay was the day you lost whatever power you had left. Your life has been his to dictate ever since, it seems, and that is a working definition of emotional abuse.

I would suggest that you do go for individual counselling, not solely to talk about your abusive past, but largely to help you work out what's keeping you where you are now.

If you believe you have to change personality for someone to love you, they don't love you.

That made me cry Cogito, not in a bad way but because i know your probably right. I should have took that opportunity those years back potentially but i didn't want to lose my family & the security it brought me.

I think counselling for myself would probably help me an awful lot, but i dont think it will change me to be the person he wants me to be.
I've been too influenced by my past & all those years to ever be as affectionate or want sex or initiate it as much as he wants, its just not me.

I feel bad for it in a way & wish I could be or think differently, because i think my life, marriage, family would probably stand a better chance of working...but i know I can't keep that up forever.
I'm not some kind of weird never show any emotion or affection type or person...i cry at all the things normal people do on telly, i kiss & show love to my children, im a very giving & helpful person to my friends, i do everything i can to be a good person as we all generally do. It's just obviously not enough for one person.

You're not some kind of clay figure to be moulded into a pleasing shape for some man, you're your own person.

If you undergo counselling, use it to find out who you are and establish what you want. Then change the environment, not yourself. You're obviously utterly miserable - suicidal if I read it right - with the status quo and the only reason you're still there, it seems to me, is because of misplaced guilt. Guilt that, again it seems to me, he is exploiting for his own ends. You are perfectly good enough but it suits emotionally abusive men to tell you that you are substandard because that way you're always anxious to please. Do you see?

You don't have to stay married at all costs. There are other choices.

There's a lot I could say about him, from what you describe, but let's focus on you.

You're not happy. This marriage is making you feel restricted; it does not suit who you are. The relationship you have with your husband is not meeting YOUR needs.

And that's ok. It's not your fault, it is just not working for you. You already know how it feels to try and twist yourself to fit into a shape that's not your own, in order to try to fit into this marriage. That's not been working very well, and has only been making you unhappy.

You have the right to end a relationship that's just not working for you. You even have a duty, to yourself, to do it.

It is all guilt Cogito your right and I do see. I feel like if i end my marriage I've failed my children, lost the security a marriage brings, people will judge me esp if he then starts playing the card of my fling & I just can't bear to have people think I'm the bad person.
I know i would miss him as i do love him, care for him and all that the security of a family together brings..but at the same time in my heart of hearts i know i can't live with this kind of relationship forever & the constant pressure of me not being affectionate enough.
My sister has been a massive huge support to me as she has gone through similar to me except our mum didn't dump her off, and she herself has been through a tough time with her partner. She got to the point where she couldn't bear to be touched by him & the more he said about it, the more it pushed her in the other direction. But he listened & backed off, allowed her time to work on it & after a year she's just about getting back on the saddle, so to put it!
I don't think DH would be the same, especially after what he's said about me being back at work.

I'm just scared, scared of the grass on the other side...scared of being a mum on my own responsible for two children, one with ASD who takes up so much of my mental sanity as it is, scared of what will happen to me. I feel sad too, sad that the life i thought could happen, doesnt seem to be.
I've been through so much shit & hard times since being a child, i feel sad & annoyed that i'm potentially going to have to start all over again.
GoatsDoRoam - thank you for your words. I do feel essentially that its my fault this marriage isn't working, i was the one who had the brief fling, if that hadn't have happened then i don't think i would have felt so bad..but i do.

Such a difficult scenario here.....you seem to be very self centred and to be blaming your attitude on someone you refer to as DH but seems anything but.My view is that you don't want to be in this relationship as it conflicts with what you really want ie independence self sufficiency and personal freedom.DH does not help in this position..the whole thing seems totally unstable.You really do need to discuss this with someone in great detail or you will only feel worse and worse.

There's a whole mass of insecurities there. You keep talking about security when you know you are being controlled. There is a certain security to being in a cage, admittedly, but it's not a great way to live.

If people would judge you for being divorced, that would be their problem, surely? When you look at other couples do you think that all is rosy in the garden? Do you think they look at you and believe the same thing? Anyone with any experience of life knows that relationships fail for all kinds of reasons and that the face presented to the outside world can hide a lot of things happening behind closed doors. If they have any sense they will not judge but realise they are in a glass house and shouldn't be throwing stones.....

I'm glad your sister is having a better life with her husband but you are not your sister. Her experience will be different to yours

As for children. Children know when all is not right between Mum and Dad. Children learn how to manage adult relationships by looking at the one closest to them. What is your DD learning from your experience, do you think? What does she think it means to be a wife?

Finally... if a marriage isn't working, it is rarely all down to one party. Sometimes things just don't work out.

It's not that i don't want to be in this relationship honestly, if that was the case surely i wouldn't still be in it? Its not that i want personal freedom or independence, i had all that those years back & i know how lonely that can be at times and why I'm so scared about what could lie in front of me.
I want my family to be together, that's why I'm still trying & on here posting for advice.
He is a good man in lots of way's, hence why i've not just upped & left.

Your right Cogito, i don't judge other peoples relationships as their's two sides to every story but unfortunately i know lots of other people do & I suppose I'm just very wary of that.