marriage & me

[Mumfrom2013]

This might sound silly but I always thought feeling married would feel different, feel different in myself. Ive been married now for nearly a month & half & I dont feel any different... happy & content but not the different I needed to feel. I feel the need to strive for something new to feel different about my life just to move on from the past that I really would like to forget.... not to go into too many details but Ive had quite a sad & painful past. Move somewhere new, drive, add another addition to our lives... Im so lost where to start, spoken to my husband .. he isnt sure what to suggest hense Im seeking further guidence or answers.

What is this change you are looking for?

I dont think that you can escape your past. What I do think you can do is grow. You can add to yourself in terms of experience. You can acquire new skills which in turn can add to your experience. You can reflect on this and work out what this has given you. You can consider what you will do differently next time.

IME (married for 20 odd years) no, getting married doesnt change anything very much emotionally. For me the rewards of marriage have come with time.

Marriage is an optimistic step. Hope for the future. It's not a radical change and it's not the end of the story, it's just a fresh chapter. If you've had a painful past you'll have to tackle that specifically, obviously with the support and love of your husband.

Oh dear. I am afraid if you need someone else to make you feel differently about YOU then I am afraid you are going to be very disappointed.
You presumably have now got what you wanted ' to be married' and it hasn't fulfilled your dreams. However, if you are going to continually think that there is something better, bigger and more exciting, etc, around the corner ,then you are in for a BIG letdown and you will never be happy.
You go ahead and chase rainbows, you will waste your precious life until you realise that there is no gold at the end of them.
Or you could instead, enjoy today, count your blessings and work on being happy, now,this minute.
After such a miserable background you owe it to yourself to be happy NOW, not be thinking what if !

Thankyou ladies for your answers, I feel a little bit more heightened by your guidence & comments. Your all right, Going to try something I havent tryed yet.... enjoying every minute of my life forgetting about changing it.... hope it works!

What change were you hoping marriage would have made? Can you verbalise what you wanted to happen?

The way I thought I would Feel is like a new person, feel more confident in myself, that confidence Ive always thought I would have

Marriage on its own might add a layer of security but confidence generally comes from within rather than from institutions or reliance on others. That said, there are ways to boost your confidence that your new husband could potentially assist with. Is he supportive? Encouraging? Does he help you realise your ambitions and dreams?

Why don't you try a course of Mindfulness? It does help. When I first started a course, I thought ' bug* ! this is never going to make a difference, but if you give it a chance and do it properly, it really does help.
So many of us live our lives thinking ' if only '
If only I had an extra £10,000 for instance. Then what happens is you get the extra £10,000 and it does not make you any happier.

It is so difficult if you did not get any love and affection as a child, to value and love yourself. Even though I have lived a long time I still suffer terribly from lack of self esteem because of my crazy parents. I hear criticism loud and clear but I am deaf to praise.
Don't do what I did and waste your precious life wishing that you have to have this or that to make you happy. You will just live for a future that will never come.
Being married is also hard work. It needs tending and nourishing just like you would a delicate plant. You can't just take what you need out of it without giving something back. It will also not make you happy if basically you are unhappy. There are lots of lonely married people about. Sorry Xx

Yes he does, & I love my husband.. marrying him was one of best things Ive ever done.. a good choice Ive made. We have been together for a very long time, he knows me inside out, & is very supportive always. But as you said confidence can only come from within. Will try the mindfullness thing you suggested, if It works Im stupid not to give it a go.
Is there anything else I can try or you can suggest to build on my self esteem & confidence?

There are lots of ways to improve confidence. My personal take on it is that confidence is derived from repeated success, encouragement and acknowledgement. Doesn't matter what it is really. Can be a very minor goal or some bigger challenge that you break down into smaller parts. The important part is that you (and those around you) are encouraging, acknowledge the achievement and reward the effort. The longer the list of things you can point to and say proudly 'I did that', the more confident you become.

Do you remember a hit in the 90s called ? Bit cheesy but there's a line in that which is 'do one thing every day that scares you'. I don't advocate scaring yourself :) but it is good for your confidence to reject the safe options every so often and reassure yourself that nothing bad happened.

I was just going to say the same. Identify your comfort zone and start stepping out of it!

Is it a bit of a post-wedding anticlimax? All that planning and excitement, then you find that life is basically the same as before you were married, back to the routine.

There's nothing wrong with starting to make some new plans with your husband but be a bit wary of needing change/excitement for its own sake. Married life isn't really any different to life before (assuming you were already living together).

Thankyou everyone! You all have been very helpful!