unrequited love?

[wonderingsoul]

how on earth do you get over some one?
some one whos your best friend to?

my "parnter" is my best friend, with slight benifits. we used to date proper, took abreak but started hanging out again, he really is my best friend, we can just be hanging on, not talking and he just makes me forget the bad/boring shit of every day life.

the sex is amazing to, hes very aware of my needs and it just basically great every time, the last time being last night and hthis morning. hes not seeing any one else and i coompletely belive this, we are exclusivly sleeping together.

all great, but it breaks my heart knowing it wont go any further. i know the sensable answer is to cut all ties. and iv tried.. many a time but we endf up chatting once and were back close as ever.

so how do i get over it? please no horrid replys., am feeling quite vunerable right now.

I'm afraid the only way to get over someone like this is to go strict no contact. He's not a friend, he's a lover, and if you try to delegate him back down to friend while there's still sex in the air, you'll fail.... as you've discovered.

Why won't it go any further? If you get on great, the sex is great and you're not seeing other people... what's the barrier?

I think if you cannot break free then he might break free from you. See other Women, tell you about them, you;ll be jealous, you;ll have a huge row, you;ll feel used, cheated, humiliated and unloved. Or he could just want you and secretly love you. You;ll have your answer son. This has to be the most painful experience ever. I give up on men, unrequited is all i have ever known, even from my family and friends.

relegate... not delegate...

He probably doesn't see a future with you if he hasn't said by now.

Why don't you think you're worth more, OP? Why are you settling for someone who won't give you the stability and long term future you want?

Sounds like whatever relationship you have with this guy is being done on his terms and his terms alone. I'm not going to yell at you but I'm going to ask you why you think you aren't worth more.

Have a look at Baggage Reclaim

And I agree that NC is the way to go if you can manage it.

if you try to delegate him back down to friend while there's still sex in the air, you'll fail.... as you've discovered.

your right, and i have to admit it was me who pushed it to sex, he was weary of thisand said it would complicate things, but it was me who perswaded him it wouldnt fuck with my head, and its him who cools things sometimes, and says we should just watch a movie, sex doesnt allways have to be invloved, so i know its me whos fucking my head up. but at the same time i cant help myself.

im not sure what the barrier is, he has really bad self esteem and is constantly worried about fucking up or hurting some one or doing the wrong thing (this extends into other parts of his life/friends) and i th ink he finds is tiring, i want to say hes a commitment phob, but not in the sence that he would cheat, the longest relationships before me was 6 months, we last 2 years before he said he couldnt give me what i wanted.. what he preseived that i wanted any way.

its also not me, he says he doesnt want a relationship with any one, but i am the one person who he feels most comfortable with and he can be himself with and doesnt have to fake it or try to win over.

i know the answer, i really do im just not sure if if i can do it fully, maybe ill just not do the sex thing for a bit with him. it helps to write it out though.

He is using you plain and simple until someone better comes along imo.

In my experience men tend to say what they mean, they're simple souls in this respect

if he's saying he can't give you what you want then you need to LISTEN to him and BELIEVE him because he's telling you the truth.

And then ask yourself why you're CHOOSING to stay with someone who will never give you what you want, and causing yourself loads of pain in the process.

Yes, walking away from someone is hard and painful and you will feel crap in the short term. But I'm guessing right now you feel crap most of the time anyway.

At least if you walk away there will be light at the end of the tunnel and you can be available for the lovely, AVAILABLE man who comes along next.

Your current guy may be lovely and lonely and rely on you - but what about you? are you going to give up your chance of happiness just to look after him and have his crumbs? Why? Why is is his happiness worth more to you than yours is?

Make the decision for him, LTB

you knwo what
im reading these replys and im like.. nooo h es not like that, no thats not how it is.. noo noo noo. BUT than the other half of me is like this is what you need to be told, you need to listen, im infurirated with myself.

though i will say hes not a bastered, hes been upfront with me, treats me well and i know for a fact he would drop everything if i need him or needed a favour. so he is most deffintly not a bastered BUT your right i do have to walk away.

and thank you to the op. i will check out the book. looks intereasting.

Baggage reclaim is a site although she does also write books. You can have a look around on the site for free. Have a look for posts about 'Mr Unavailable' and 'Fallback Girl'.

(I'm not associated with the site at all but I do think she's great on this stuff.)

I'm sure he's not a bastard and I'm sure he's fond of you. BUt this situation is causing you pain isn't it? More pain than it's causing him.

Sadly, he's not responsible for your emotional wellbeing - YOU are. You need to start protecting yourself.

And don't be too hard on yourself, we've all been there