Think this is the end

[namechange4post]

Right, I've named changed as I'm a regular and don't want to be recognised. I own a house with DP- have 2 dc's age 3 and 5. We got together and had our first DC within 2 years- unplanned- on the pill and had been told I may not be able to conceive. At that time I was commuting with my work to London and when I was pregnant this was the first time we lived together bar the weekends.

Loved him so much- great father- does 50% of everything round the house, good with money and reliable.

Things are good when we have DC1 but I have to leave my job due to the commute and always planned to go back- indeed my transfer application to a local team, was completed whilst on mat leave. DP always knew I love my work and it is very un child friendly (shifts) and I always planned to go back. 3 years pass, we have dc 2 and I go back to my role in a local team. Full time shift work.

DP didn't like this and instead of talking about it he sulked a lot, pushed me away and was generally a knob. He gets really angry when I don't want to have sex and will ignore me- which will then result in me doing it anyway (which I have only been realising recently has made me hate him in a sense, I know I have been complicit by not challenging him on this). Also I had suffered sexual abuse as a child (which dp knows) and I guess I figured I just didn't feel like I had a right to say no. Things weren't going well and 12 months ago my dad dies- my dad and I had been estranged and I had recently got back in touch with him. DP never wanted to meet him and was late for the funeral- as in after the coffin goes in late.

I go to councilling as I literally cant stand dp touching me since my father died and the councillor said maybe I just don't want to be with DP anymore- I was completely in denial about this. we own a house together and I would really struggle to work without his help with the childcare.

However- the past year I have been on the verge of ending it with him- I don't want to be in the relationship anymore- but how can you end it? What do you say? I just bloody wish I had my dad to talk to about it.

sorry this sounds like a real mess

Also when I have tired to discuss things with him (as he knows Ive been avoiding him) he told me to just fuckoff and leave- but I cant leave the kids, I really couldn't. He put a big deposit down on the house between us theres 200k equity (about 170k of that came from his deposit) so would I have to leave?

I am going to reply until a clever MN lady comes along.

Looks as if you are having to deal with two big things at once. Your relationship with your DP has hit a bad place with the communication just at the time when you are processing the childhood abuse.
it's a lot to deal with at once! Can you address one of them first?

I addressed the abuse in counselling last year when my father passed away- I told dp all about how he could help by not pressuring me etc but he just does anyway- I just realised that by going along with keeping him happy and his moods I just build a resentment for him if you see what I mean.

Yes, that would be a natural reaction to tiptoeing around his needs when your needs were at crisis point and you needed support. Does he acknowledge what you are going through?

He just puts his head in the sand then says- "I ll just have to get used to just never having sex then" even though we usually do it every 10 days on average and I feel almost like its over for me already, I feel like I have given all I can give and just cant cry anymore. I have stopped playing along and I feel better- god I sound so shit

Once every 10 days does not seem to be totally out of parameters, lots of people have that frequency or less he's being over dramatic there. Anyway, it's sad when it's gone straight to the symptom (less frequent sex) without considering what's been hurting you about the whole relationship and addressing the causes of not wanting to be touched physically. Has he talked about how he feels? Is emotional discussion off the table?
You don't sound shit to me.

Sorry you're having a rough time. Also, condolences for your loss. Bereavement and grief are really difficult and highly stressful all by themselves and there's something especially significant about the death of a parent, even if the relationship wasn't great. Psychologically, I rhink you kind of shuffle up the next generational rung of the ladder and become very conscious of your own mortality. Same sort of thing happens when you become a parent for the first time. Priorities change. Time becomes precious and not to be wasted.

Which is probably where you are now. You're looking at the relationship through fresh eyes, your priorities have changed and you're less tolerant.

HE said he's upset because he never sees me and blames my job (I love what I do and cant help the shifts etc) He says I go to bed too early but to be honest I do it to avoid him as he will try it on- I will say no and we will have an argument
Its so sad because if I would have addressed this say 6 months ago I feel we could have saved it but now I feel like I don't care- I just want out

If you've decided it's over then get proper advice on the implications of separation and also prepare the ground with friends and family. Have an idea how you want things to work going forward and then talk to him.

You had that job before, were the hours awkward then? He's probably detected that you are avoiding the sexual contact. It sounds like it's the symptom for you and possibly the cause for him being unhappy. Without him supporting you emotionally, it's going to be hard for you want to be close physically. quid pro quo. Maybe it's in his power to set the train straight by listening to you? Is it too late already?

hours have always been bad- the job and industry is known for it

Sound a little unreasonable to expect you to change the shiftwork job just because he liked the hiatus when you were looking after the DCs