Realised how controlling my dad was

[FishRabbit]

Hello!

So my DP left me a few weeks ago. Since then, we're trying to make a go off things, I think he frightened himself about what he was losing. We've started counselling and it's all very positive.

I've realised since we started this that the reason I'm so scared of arguments and anger is my dad.

As I'm an adult, I see him as this cool fun guy I'd kind of forgotten how he really was. He'd shout, scream, make me get implements so he could hit me with them (is there anything worse than not wanting to get something because you know what it's going to be used for but having to because the alternative is worse?), strangled me once. My DP has had anger issues in the past but has never been violent or scary or even actively controlling. But i guess I've always been atuned to rage so I was slightly scared of him.

Since we broke up, he's been to the doctors and is getting help for the anger and I feel weird! It's like he's a different person. I can say anything to him without being scared. I'm much more mean/grumpy, and he's really normal.

Not really sure what the point of this is, but I can't believe how little I understood about why I find stress so.... Ummmm mm... Stressful?

Might be worth having some counselling yourself to understand more about it. It is very relevant yes, even the fact that you've chosen a man with the same issues.... Good luck x

I find it miraculous that he went to the gp and now his anger problem is no longer there...............

Watch out for it because I'm not convinced it has gone away!

It's never a straight line cause and effect. Having an abusive parent can lead some people to become abusive themselves, others to become people-pleasers afraid of confrontation, others to feel comfortable with partners that behave the same kind of traits, yet more to reject any kind of anger out of hand...... There are all kinds of possible responses.

All I would say about your DP with anger issues is to tread very, very carefully. Bullies rarely change their spots, however well-intentioned and motivated. Once your relationship is following the anger tram-tracks, there's always the danger that it will settle back into the same patterns. Joint counselling is a very bad idea when one party has the power to intimidate the other.

What individual counselling are you getting to help you to be more assertive and less afraid of confrontation?

He's going to have some CBT and I'm thinking now it might be a good idea for me to do something similar, any recommendations? I'm kind of surprised I never noticed the extent of it before..

I wouldn't say he's miraculously cured... But he's different, and he wants to change. I know it's very early days, and I guess part of the reason I suggested joint counselling and him having his own house for a while is that I'm nervous it won't change in the long term....

I don't think you need CBT so much as to simply spend enough quality time away from angry people. Assert your independence, find some calm, build up your self-respect and your confidence.... that kind of thing. If you're not good at confrontation that's not necessarily a bad thing provided you avoid confrontational types.

You don't actually owe DP a second shot just because he's seen a doctor and is saying the right things. Rejecting the past in itself would be a way of asserting yourself and building up your confidence.

Hmm, you do make a good point coggers... You are wise. I know I don't owe it to him, but I do love him and I'd like to see if we could work things out... Do you think i'm stupid? (honest question, not being rude)

I don't think you're stupid. However, I don't think you're putting yourself first or giving yourself a chance to develop either.

If you have identified that your judgement/attitude/psyche has been impaired by your childhood experience and that this means you are settling for poor treatment in other areas of life, I think your first obligation is to address that. Once you feel confident that your self-respect and your standards have been raised to a more normal level, that's the time to think about embarking on any relationship with anyone... not just an ex-DP who is making the right noises.

That would be the standard advice to someone who has a history - through no fault of their own - of abusive relationships. Break the cycle, understand the dynamic, reset the bar...

Squeak... That's quite scary.

Is it? Sorry. Context is everything and there's a lot I don't know here. For example, I don't know how long you've been with DP, how bad things got for him to leave, or what ties you have together such as children etc. I don't know how long you've ever spent as an independent adult or how long/short a time elapsed between leaving your abusive father and living with an angry DP who scared you.

No, true. To give a tiny bit of context... We've been together 4 years with a DC. I've lived away from my parents for about 15 years, probably 9 of these, i've lived alone. I'm pretty happy in my own company and love living alone.

I'd say the last time my dad was scary to me was about 16 years ago (yikes, I'm old)... He's still controlling but is pleasant with it...

Then if you're happy living alone I'd suggest you don't rush to get back together. He's only been gone a few weeks after all. Take your time - think in terms of months - to reset that bar and judge whether this change in behaviour is genuine. I'd even hold off the joint counselling for a time because I think that sets up expectations and adds pressure.

Realise that you're not operating in a vacuum but if you let someone like this back in your life prematurely, especially where there are DC to consider, you add a whole new layer of guilt, obligation & 'made my bed, have to lie in it' ideas that can make it very difficult to reverse.