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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Had enough of dh attitude

38 replies

sosotiredagain123 · 24/10/2014 23:09

He flatly refuses to do anything. I don't make unreasonable demands but he flatly refuses to do anything with the kids.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 24/10/2014 23:29

Why do you have to leave? Have you sought legal advice? It sounds like you've passed the point of no return. There may be other options. It's certain you're not happy now though.

number2093847 · 24/10/2014 23:29

can you get your wage paid into your own account

sosotiredagain123 · 24/10/2014 23:31

How do I get him to move out have no money to do it myself he had loads put away

OP posts:
number2093847 · 24/10/2014 23:33

womans aid for advice

Ohfourfoxache · 24/10/2014 23:46

You could also think about seeing a solicitor to see where you stand re separating/ divorce - some do free half hours

GirlInASwirl · 24/10/2014 23:49

When I think I am being taken for granted - I go on 'Mum strike'. May not solve all the problems but its usually at least time for you to chill for a bit.

cerealqueen · 25/10/2014 09:56

This gets worse, he is squirrelling away family money, you do everything, and have no money of your own and he withholds money when you protest. You are little more than a slave. You have to get out, for you, for your DC.

TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet · 25/10/2014 10:33

@sosotiredagain123

Sorry for posting in the wrong place how do I do the moving bit. I tried to get him to leave but he won't I have to leave
WE've moved this to r'ships for you Hope you can sort this out
CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/10/2014 10:47

It's difficult to get someone out if you have lot of things that tie you together. However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't start the ball rolling. First up is to get moral support from friends and family. Tell them the truth of what's going on so that, if you need them in a hurry, they are already prepared. Then look at the practical stuff. Some solicitors offer a free initial consultation which may help you feel more confident about your legal position regarding money, property and parenting arrangements. If your relationship is abusive, Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 are a good point of contact and can offer specific advice on how to separate safely. If you are at immediate risk and have no money there is the possibility of refuge.

Good luck

Quitelikely · 25/10/2014 11:01

What a waste of your life being with him.

No he doesn't get to control everything. He might at the moment because that is how things have been allowed to develop.

His savings are half yours at the very least.

You don't have to leave your house a court will decide who leaves. And there's a strong chance it won't be you.

There are things you can do, life doesn't have to be as miserable as you are describing but you have to make some changes to allow things to change. The changes won't come from your dh though.

Be strong take a stand.

SolidGoldBrass · 25/10/2014 11:14

Women's Aid and a good lawyer will help you get free of this man and oblige him to pay money towards the DCs' upbringing.
Has he ever been physically aggressive? He's definitely abusive, but if there has been physical aggression (even if it's 'only' pushing and shoving or 'playfighting') then I would suggest you get your exit strategy in place before you tell him he's dumped. Men like him can become dangerous when they realise that they have been rumbled and that their victim is getting away.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 25/10/2014 11:24

You are more fortunate than many, as at least you have detached yourself emotionally from him. "All" that needs to be sorted are the practicalities.

In the first instance I would gather together all the paperwork you can get your hands on about the finances. Most especially the savings he has squirrelled away. The starting-position in a divorce is 50/50, so that's half of everything: house, savings, pensions, assets, the lot. With two children to support on your own it's possible that you could get a greater percentage, especially if you've been out of the work-force and sacrificed your career prospects to raise your children while his prospects have been enhanced by you taking on all of that load alone.

How are things arranged financially at the moment? Do you have a joint bank account into which both of your salaries are credited and from which all bills are paid?

Get onto Rightmove and see what suitable properties might cost you if you choose to leave with the children.

Have a look at the the "turn2us" website to see what benefits might be available to you should you need to claim them. In theory, he will have to contribute 20% of his income in child-support and that money is not taken into account when calculating any benefits you might be entitled to. However, given that he's in control of your finances, unfortunately you will have to anticipate that he's unlikely to be co-operative in the first instance but once you are formally separated he's unlikely to be able to get away with totally withholding it from you.

Squidstirfry · 25/10/2014 13:25

Having such a controlling dh is reasonable groundd for divorce. I would go as far to say he is financially abusive (at the least) and so for your own mental health you need to seperate. I am not sure how it reflects on you rights if you leave the marital home though, so b careful i think he is the one that needs to leave. Or you live together through the divorce proceedings which u may need to do.

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