Moving on when you've decided to split up but still have to live together?

[ComtesseDeSpair]

DP and I finally agreed to split up on Tuesday. It's been a while coming, we've gotten to this stage several times before but each time we've given the relationship "just one more chance" after a day or so of agreeing to split. This time I sense it's for good: we're both weary of all the fights and utterly miserable.

I know it's for the best, and that we'll both be happier apart. I do still love him (and believe he still loves me) but we've both accepted that we aren't compatible and too much has happened for either of us to get over.

The thing is, "apart" in the physical sense is going to be a long while coming, in all probability: we have to carry on living together until the house sells, but we've been trying to sell for almost a year now already, the market is slow around here and I can't afford to move out and pay a rent as well as the mortgage.

I suppose I'm just after a bit of a handhold and advice. I feel so sad and so lost and so daunted by the idea of being not together but still together iyswim. How can I move on from this relationship and our life together whilst still living in the same house? How do I stop loving someone who I have to live with everyday?

Just wanted to say I'm In a very similar situation - some days it's so easy but others I find incredibly hard. Especially when he's out and I'm alone in our house. Watching for any advice on how to make this situation easier!

Me too. I'm being cheated on and we're still in the same house, having agreed to be polite in front of dd and to get through Christmas amicably (ish). My situation is perhaps different, though- he's not here that much anyway and I like pottering around the house on my own. It's more tense when he's here.

No advice, really, except to say that perhaps you need to see yourself as less of a partner and more of an individual. Do you have interests/ hobbies/ work? Dcs?

I'm sort of in your position too, OP. I'm luckier in that I can just about afford rent as the mortgage is low. I'm looking at flats now but the last few months I've been taking on house and pet sitting assignments (where you live in a house to take care of it or pets) At the moment though I'm back in our shared house and it's difficult even thug we get on ok.

Could you switch to interest-only on the mortgage or even look at a house share or lodging with someone as those are cheaper. Alternatively can you let your house and both find other places to live? Those are my problem-solving thoughts but if you're stuck there and can't move then I agree with posters above who suggest getting some interests to get you out of the house. Dancing classes, book group, gym, Pilates or yoga, running club?

For me, the main thing is keeping busy and finding something new to occupy my evenings. It's the nights where I'm left with my thoughts that I struggle with the most. I guess now is the time to go and rediscover yourself, build yourself up and be able to do whatever you want to do.. (Although I know that's easier said than done!)

Hmmm...more difficult if you still have strong feelings for him. Assuming that you're already in separate beds, are there ways you could reorganize your living space so that your lives are more "separate" iyswim? Like separate bits of the kitchen, separate bathrooms, separate televisions, separate appliances? I've got my own (rather nice) telly in my bedroom and I use a separate bathroom ( lucky enough to have more than one, though..). I also have a kettle and tea/ coffee on hand in the bedroom so I don't have to bump into him in the kitchen all the time. Little things like this have really helped to make things bearable.

Is there a particular time of day you feel particularly down?

No DCs, I work full-time and do have hobbies - gym, book group, language classes, I'm on the Board for a charity etc. I know a lot of it is going to be getting used to living like housemates rather than a couple - being friendly but to all intents and purposes living separate lives at evenings and weekends. At the moment that's hard. Ex-P finds it relatively easy to ignore me, make a cup of tea or dinner for himself and not offer me anything, please only himself (one of the things we've long argued over - I get very upset at being ignored and his selfish behaviour) but it's still a reflex for me to automatically cook for two, put his laundry in with mine, ask if he wants a cuppa when I put the kettle on etc and deliberately not doing that stuff makes me feel petty. But I think as it becomes more routine to life that way, it'll normalise, thanks springchicken

Blueberry, I feel for you, it must be harder to feel unsettled and sad when you're on your own, it must feel wretched. I find the times I'm here on my own easier. What feels weirder and more difficult is when we're both in and deliberately sitting in separate rooms doing separate things, where usually we'd be on the sofa together. I suppose that's when it feels most lonely. He also won't tell any of his family yet and doesn't want me to, which is hard work for me - his sister (who I'm close to) was round this evening and asking what we were up to at the weekend, are we still planning a mini-break to use up annual leave, had we thought about what we'll do for Christmas etc and every time I had to lie and pretend we're still together my gut wrenched and I just wanted to cry. We have a couple of long-planned overnight stays from old friends happening next month for which we need the guest room (where he's sleeping). He doesn't want to tell them so they won't feel awkward here and/or cancel but it means we'll be carrying on the pretence then as well.

We moved here from London a couple of years ago and virtually all of our local friends are joint friends. I'm terrified that once we tell them we're splitting up, they'll not know who to 'side' with, will gradually withdraw from us both and I'll lose them as friends. But the other side of that is that we tell them, assure them it's a fairly amicable break-up and we'd still both like to be invited along to things, and then we're continuing to socialise together - again, preventing any kind of clean break for us.

I'm in this situation atm but will be moving out & renting soon. H can afford to take over the mortgage short term until the house is sold.

It is horrible, but we have had long periods of living like this in the past as he has periodically just stopped talking to me for weeks at a time. The best part for me is that we have told everyone so no pretending is necessary, I think it's unrealistic for him to expect you to keep this to yourselves, it must feel like a pressure cooker.

Would you want to stay at a house then find out weeks/months later that the hosts had been faking the whole time? I wouldn't. I'd think about telling them if I were you and leave the decision to cancel up to them.

I'm fully aware our situation is quite strange, both still cook for each other/make the other a cup of tea if we are having one so I think that's why I struggle when I'm on my own. Things haven't changed that much when we are here together.

Comtesse- it's so hard when people don't know, is it not going to be harder when people find out you separated a while ago? I also felt that I'd lose a lot of good friends, and I'm sure in time I will, but right now my true friends are being amazing. All I'd recommend is make sure you have someone in RL you can talk too. (And I think I'd end up telling some of them myself!)

Yougotafriend - I probably could afford to pay the mortgage by myself for a few months whilst we were waiting to sell, but that would mean I have literally no money to get through Christmas. Maybe in a few more weeks my thoughts on that will change!

You need to disengage and since you still love him you must start breaking the habits of coupledom. By continuing to do things for him, your brain is fooling itself that you two are still a couple and it will make the whole experience harder.

He doesn't have the right to unilaterally decide that your split is a secret. Why are the feelings of house guests more important than yours? Unless the friends staying aren't very observant, they will pick up that something's not quite right anyway.

It's not going to be easy but detachment is the only way.

The friends thing is hard, especially if they're mutual friends and form the bulk of your circle. But I would find a way of telling them: like a pp said, they may well feel less awkward than you think if you tell them the truth, and maybe less likely to take "sides". It may also help you re-establish yourself as a singleton and aid in the process of moving on. I'm not sure about socialising together though: my stbx and I move in different social circles anyway so it's not going to be so hard for us. I suspect from your previous posts that you are trying to cling on emotionally and maybe see joint socialising as a way of hanging on? Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh btw.

How about moving out and renting a room elsewhere them letting someone rent your room in the house?

Then not them!