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Original poster

Has anyone else had issues with their MIL?

26 replies

amybeth11 · 24/10/2014 17:27

She's the sort of woman who has to be in control and will kick off at the slightest thing, like literally shouting and swearing, even in front of her 11 year old son. My OH has told me stories of when he's been repeatedly on the receiving end of her outbursts, and I've witnessed them myself. We don't have a thing in common and I strongly disagree with the way she behaves and her opinions on certain subjects, but that's a whole other story.

Anyway, for some reason she doesn't like me. I haven't seen her since April, and in that time she has invited my OH out for lunches and dinners and trips to the cinema and gone baby clothes shopping but never invited me along. She has asked how the baby is but never how I am! She knows I don't have a mother of my own and have no female family nearby.

Tomorrow my OH and I are having lunch with her and I am terrified of her causing a scene. She makes me feel really uncomfortable, and I'm concerned that as soon as the baby is here she's going to want to be there 24/7 like some overbearing shadow, telling me how to raise my child. I'm currently 39 weeks so that could happen any day now! I've tried raising it with my OH but he just told me to ignore her. I don't know if it's as simple as that though...!

Not sure what advice anyone can give me, but I was wondering if anyone else has had issues with their MIL and how they got around it?

TLDR: Let's rant about our MIL's!!

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 24/10/2014 17:29

My best advice is to avoid her like the plague. Seriously. Only see her when you absolutely have to. If she tries to wind you up just nod and smile politely whilst you are thinking of throwing darts at her arse!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/10/2014 17:37

Why did your OH agree to exclude you? That the first thing to fix. If Mommie Dearest is trying to drive a wedge, he shouldn't be assisting.... Hmm

Second thing... stand up for yourself. She can only be a bully if you sit being meekly uncomfortable and saying nothing. Cause a scene if you have to, disagree with her opinions, assert yourself. She already doesn't like you so what have you got to lose?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/10/2014 17:41

Should qualify the above.. My ex MIL was not just a cow she was a caaaaah. :) Her favourite device was the poison pen letter. She became lot less of a PITA once I found the gumption to tell her to shut the fuck up or fuck the fuck off....

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/10/2014 17:45

You would not have put up with any of that from a friend, his mother is no different.

I think you also have a problem with your man as well as his overbearing and abusive mother. It may well be the case that he remains unable and perhaps even unwilling to stand up to her; he would rather upset you than she. He is more afraid of her than you and he is likely to be deeply in FOG (Fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to his mother as well. His so called advice to ignore her is both unhelpful and is passing the buck to you, he is unwilling to confront her at all.

His primary loyalty should be to you and your as yet unborn child, not his mother.

Raise your boundaries a lot higher than they are now. You may ultimately have to keep your child away from her, if you find her too difficult to deal with its the self same deal for your vulnerable and defenceless child as well. Does your as yet unborn child need such a frankly appalling role model of a grandparent figure in his/her life, I think not.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/10/2014 17:46

I would not be attending any lunch with her either; it will just give her further ammo to lob in your direction.

temporarilyjerry · 24/10/2014 17:48

Has anyone else had issues with their MIL?

Been on MN long, OP Hmm

Original poster
amybeth11 · 24/10/2014 18:26

@Cogito - I think in his mind he knew that there was some dislike between me and her so didn't try and push her to invite me. He is very close to his younger brother and these outings were the only times he got to see him. In his defence, I would make my own plans to go out once I knew that he would be meeting up with her, especially if he was likely to bring her back to our house. Also I'm really bad in situations regarding confrontation, but I'm so moody these days waiting for the baby to arrive that I don't think I'd care if I snapped at her!

@Attila - I think he is afraid of her, but then again I think most people would be, and i think this lunch is meant to be acting as some sort of peace treaty. He said that it was her idea but I highly doubt it, considering I was invited!!! I'm going to go and see what she has to say, if anything, and if she is out of line then I'll have to find a way to explain to both of them that until she can calm down and be nice and civil, then I don't feel comfortable or safe having her around my child.

@temporarily - Nope! I'm a newbie, but I've dug a little deeper into the threads and I see what you mean! I'm vowing here and now to never be a MIL from hell!!

OP posts:
Castlemilk · 24/10/2014 19:07

If you have a good old dig around in the innumerable 'MIL from hell' threads, I hope that you will come to the conclusion that, if you want a happy family life with your OH and child which includes her in a positive way, then - somewhat counterintuitively - the ABSOLUTE BEST way you can make that happen is to lay the law down.

No 'skirting around', 'being polite', 'keeping the peace' - you make it clear, from the start, with a firm smile and a straight, no-nonsense gaze, that you absolutely won't tolerate her being rude, inappropriate, pushy, or anything else you wouldn't tolerate in any other acquaintance.

In short, you tell her - if you want to be in my life, which includes anything to do with MY child, you do not fuck with me. Do not even try. You will regret it, because I do not allow people to fuck with me. Smile!

I have read a million MIL threads. And in every one, there will be a couple of posters who describe taking this approach with a MIL who wanted to be top dog. And always, these are the people who report that it worked. The general consensus seems to be - She's never had anyone stand up to her/not be afraid of her before - and she backed right off. When that person also happens to be the person who controls access to the grandchildren, she backed off so fast she left skidmarks.

You've nothing to lose and a lot to gain. Read the threads - MILs like this honestly do think that they should be in charge of the lives/children/affairs of their own grown-up children, because they don't see them as actually grown up at all. You make it clear to her - and your OH - that she is not in control of you, your life, or your child.

Doing it now is a good idea, as the real trouble tends to start around the birth. I predict a conversation where you pick her up on assuming she'll be at the hospital within minutes of the birth and coming home with you that night - and the fun can start there!

Good luck.

Dowser · 24/10/2014 20:13

I had a lovely mother in law god rest her soul.

She was so grateful to look after my kids and never once interfered. I thought they all came like that.

I'm a mil. I hope I'm a good one.

I certainly try to be.

Dowser · 24/10/2014 20:14

OP you have all the power.

You have her son and her grandchild.

She will be like putty in your hands!

captainmummy · 24/10/2014 20:18

Oh Castlemilk - it's like watching a slo-mo car crash isn;t it. So many DILs, all trying to be nice, reasonable, normal people, smile in the face of spitting bile, wondering if only they could be more lovely and accommodating.....MIL would like them, would stop taking the dc away, would stop being so vile.

Doesnt happen. She only backs off when she meets an immovable object (you, between her and your child) and that is the truth. NO amount of appeasing will get to her good side - only solid, armed response!

Spookgremlin · 24/10/2014 20:26

Agree with above. Don't waste ten years being 'nice', all you do is give them a head start. You don't need to be unpleasant, but you do have to stand up for yourself, otherwise you will be treated like one of the children.

Spookgremlin · 24/10/2014 20:27

Also getting your DH onside is a must - with bells on.

Ohfourfoxache · 24/10/2014 20:47

Oh Dowser I wish that we're true in all cases (ie that mil will be putty in a Dil's hands when dc arrive)

Although this can happen, it certainly doesn't for everyone, and certainly not guaranteed if there is a history of problems that predate dc/grandchildren.

Sadly it sometimes gets far, far worse to the point of being irretrievable. Amybeth I hope it doesn't get worse for you! but you and your oh need to put up a united front and be strong. Don't let her piss all over you.

GoatsDoRoam · 24/10/2014 20:49

Is your OH willing to stand up for you?

ChangelingToday · 24/10/2014 22:19

Stand firm on what you want for your family and keep your distance, that's my advice. I have an ongoing struggle with mine!

Original poster
amybeth11 · 24/10/2014 22:58

Thank you all for your kindness and advice, my heart goes out to anyone who's had/has issues with their mother in law!

@Goats - He, like me, doesn't like confrontation, but I think if it came to it he would be on my side rather than hers. He has the same issues with her as I do but is much better at just ignoring them, having had to put up with it for so much longer! I think he just puts up with her because his brother lives with her and when she's not happy, she wont let him see him, even for months at a time. Just one of many examples of how manipulating she can be!

I will confront her firmly but fairly tomorrow, and hopefully she will have to understand that this is my child and my life. And if not, she will not have a place in our lives until she can be respectful. Luckily she lives about a 40 min drive away so it's not like she's on my doorstep.

Wish me luck!!

OP posts:
kutee · 25/10/2014 05:56

Lord give me strength that I can cope each day with this woman causes me endless stress?? since day one. She asked me if I was his girlfriend or one of many ?? I had to ask if she was mentally stable. Eight years later I'm still not 100% she looks after are daughter for about two years whilst we work. Although it saves us money and I am grateful. She does a lot with her. It has been torture. To the point that I don't want another child unless she only looks after the child part time. Trying to cut down the contact Hmm the only relief I get not is the acceptance from df that his mother is embarrassing, rude and that he agrees about contact. She at one point got so bad that he had a go at her and we left after dinner. This put her in her place finally. I thought finally. Count yourself lucky if you don't get invited. I was happy for the peace. Now we have our daughter I see her all the time. She recently came back from a six week holiday and started talking to him about more money from us the day she came back. Not impressed. We pay her something but it suppose to be to supplement her income rather than make us her income. She already knew we were struggling. One days she nice, the other rude and demanding. Threaten to get a full time job instead of looking after our daughter. His response. If you don't want to look after than say as our daughter is not a burden. She quickly backtracked. I recently found a new job as we will have nursery expenses. It has been made clear that the extra money is for nursery. I will be so happy when u girl goes to nursery and school. I told him I would rather pay the fees for a happy lifeSmile

Chottie · 25/10/2014 06:08

OP - you have hold all the aces, please don't let this woman's behaviour get to you.

p.s. I am a MiL too.

gamerchick · 25/10/2014 06:26

Sounds as if she's put it off till the last possible moment to make the peace tbh. She's going to want to see that baby.

SixImpossible · 25/10/2014 07:37

My relationship with my ILs improved as soon as I realised that I did not need to love them or to get them to love me. As soon as I cooled the relationship between us, stopped running after them and being the best DIL I could be, things started improving between us.

I am still a good DIL, I facilitate access to the dgc, I am polite when we see them, I am considerate and courteous, but there is no emotion from me, and if I disagree with something then I stand firm. I no longer defer to them in the interest of family harmony. And the family is now much more harmonious than when I did.

happychappy · 25/10/2014 07:54

sorry cant help much spent 22 years trying to understand and manager her. Now we don't speak.

SeasonsEatings · 25/10/2014 08:10

At 39 weeks you are Queen Bee, if anything happens or is said to make you uncomfortable or unhappy then you suddenly have a twinge/nausea etc and have to leave, dismiss her with a simple "sorry Mil whatever it was you were saying will have to wait until another time" as you waddle off. Everyone will be slightly terrified by a very pregnant lady with a twinge.

Then when you get home/into the car get your DP to wait on you for the rest of day and get him to finish any diy or anything outstanding for baby arrival.

Being pregnant you get twinges all the time so its not really a lie.

Original poster
amybeth11 · 25/10/2014 16:41

Well, I have just had my dinner with the devil, and it was such an uncomfortable experience!

My MILs husband is south american and speaks no english, so my MIL, my OH and her younger son all speak fluent spanish, I on the other hand speak no spanish whatsoever! So you can imagine how frustrating it was for me when we're sat at the table and every time she opens her mouth its in spanish and I can see her looking me in the eye as she's talking to my OH. I asked a couple of times if she wouldn't mind speaking in english (which is her first language) and she just kept saying that it was a habit and she couldn't help it.

The few times she was speaking in english she made a few remarks that were so subtle and below the belt that they weren't enough for me to pull her up on them, she knew exactly what she was playing at! Then she came back to ours and basically proceeded to criticise everything about the house and then probably some more in Spanish, which I will ask my OH about later.

I realise now that no matter what I do she will always be manipulative and sly, but as soon as baby comes I will definitely have the upper hand and she will have to play by my rules!

You ladies have all been great, thank you for sharing your stories and advice with me :) xxx

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/10/2014 18:33

You will also have the upper hand if your man is able to stand up to his mother as well. If he does not or cannot stand up to her and put you first, then you will need to do so.

Raising your own boundaries as of now is a priority as they are too low.
She will also refuse point blank to play by your rules, its her way or no way as far as she is concerned.

She could not even be bothered to talk to you all in English (which is rudeness on her part considering that is her first language) and your DH did not pull her up effectively enough on that either.

When at your house did he just sit there dumbly whilst his mother was slagging off your home as well?. What did he say to her?.

Knowing her as you do, why were they at all invited back to your home?. That was a mistake on your parts. Being nice to such people does not work, they see that as weakness and they will walk all over you. Also such people are inherently unreasonable and never apologise for their actions, let alone take responsibility for same. If you were to have criticised her house in such a manner she would likely have asked you to leave.

You would not have tolerated any of this today from a friend, his mother and her bystander of a H are no different.

It does not bode at all well for you going forward because she is the type of woman who will criticise every single aspect of your parenting. You will ultimately need to keep your child away from her, infact I would not be encouraging any sort of relationship now. If you both find her too difficult to deal with, it will be the same for your both vulnerable and defenceless child.