Messed up

[TheHoneyBadger]

I know i'm only going to manage to write a line or so here now and hope i'll come back to it later and give details but want to start something so that my need to reach out is 'out there' before i shove it away again.

I'm in a muddle at the minute of feeling like part of me is screaming out HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! at the world and part of me is loathing myself because help won't come and even if it tried to i wouldn't know how to let it.

Oh love, my heart really does break for you. How can people be like that? How can ones own mother be like that!?

I think your take on what school did FOR you, not to you, is spot on. It's a shame that it would have confused you and made your home life even harder at the time, but hopefully it also gave you enough of a different view of yourself that you could see what a clever and good kid you really were?

Don't apologise for posting your thoughts, it's your thread, it's what it's here for! Xx

thanks.

things were a mess at secondary unfortunately chipping but yes, primary school was something of a haven for me as was my paternal grandfather whilst he was alive and without those i dare say i'd be in a lot worse state.

tons went on in my adolescence with my family and in my life (lack of parental involvement or care opens a few dodgy doorways into young girls lives). the problems i had and things that happened to me can all be used against me as evidence of what an awful, evil, whatever child i was of course rather than be seen as outcomes of spending my whole childhood being told i was awful evil, unlovable etc and having no real parenting or emotional involvement in my life.

basically with these kind of people everything can be used against you! you learn not to share anything with them or expose anything to them because you know it will be twisted and used against you eventually. the trick is in keeping clear in your mind that whilst that was/is necessary with them not everyone is like that and that shell doesn't have to be worn with everyone forevermore.

trouble is though that experiences compound it - like with being a teenage girl who is troubled you attract those who are looking for troubled teenage girls, and being made to feel awful about yourself and doubt your own feelings and thoughts can incline you towards not expecting much for yourself or realising you have a right to be treated well and the right to your own consent or non consent to what happens to you and that you have the right to set your own boundaries etc.

it takes quite a lot of work to untangle the damage done and the shame felt for further things that happened to you before you worked out that damage etc.

takes quite a while to stop bouncing around in that pinball machine and steady yourself you know?

actually no that's not the trick the trick is realising not everyone SEES you like that and that you are not that and that therefore you don't have to live in fear of everyone hating you or rejecting you or treating you terribly and be filled with anxiety about people and life. it's not about whether other people are like them it's about whether I am like the person they said i was. does that make sense?

it's not about whether person x is trustworthy or not it's about whether I AM trustworthy and my version of myself and reality is trustworthy and fighting off that bloody self doubt.

gosh. when i look at it as if it happened to someone else i think what a bunch of arseholes! you know?

if i think of that little girl as someone else i really bloody feel for her and the insanity she was put through.

it's hard to feel it for myself though without hearing the, 'oh this is you, drama queen, persecution complex, little actress' etc.

no contact is SO important. i've got to stick to it.

You do have to stay no contact, you need to do whatever makes that easiest, I'd say moving is definitely a good start. That NC needs to extend to your sister as well, she's a head fuck. I'm sure she has her own issues, but she will have to deal with them, she only compounds yours. It's sad to lose contact with your nephews and nieces, but you have to focus on you and DS.

Your post at 10:04 is so sad, everything you went through is down to your mother being the way she was. None of it was your fault, she enabled the continued abuse you suffered and the situations you ended up in.

Your next two posts are great. (I'm sure you know this, but...) You need to work on getting to the stage where you can not only see yourself as that little girl, but you can also accept how wrong the other voices are.

You weren't a drama queen or a little actress (or no more so than the rest of us, less so I should imagine!) you were an abused child. That is hard to take on I would think, You were an abused child. Can you accept that statement? Any other way of thinking about your childhood minimises what they did to you.

Normal, everyday people won't hate you or reject you, they will admire you for coming through all of that and living your life the best you can. People who judge you from where you came from and not who you are aren't worth knowing.

However, people who have had dreadful childhoods are often not the best judges of character and are vulnerable to attracting the wrong kinds of friends and partners. You have to be careful, go slowly. Not because you will be judged, but because you are protecting yourself and DS.

A belated thanks for your comments, Chipping. Kind words are always welcome. Sorry to hear that your Dad died so young, that must have been very hard.

Honey, have pm'd you.