Royaly Messed It Up

[ArtDecoGhoulie]

Ok, I started seeing somebody three weeks ago, it's been pretty intense... texting ALL day and night long, seeing each other three to four times a week... then yesterday I said something about me feeling ugly because when we were on the bus I thought he was being more distant than usual because somebody he knows was on, and wondered if he was ashamed to be seen with me. (I did go out with somebody abusive years ago who used to say he was only with me because he felt sorry for me because nobody else would have me, and if we were out together, he'd say, "If we see anyone I know walk behind me and pretend we aren't together" and it's kind of stayed with me a bit, especially as I'm also having a period so extra sensitive!).

Anyway, it really bothered him I said that and now he's dumped me. Said he's made his mind up and doesn't think we're going to get on.

He's coming sometime in the next few days to get all his stuff. How should I play it? Try and explain about the ex or let him go? He hasn't had a girlfriend for 20 years so is quite happy being alone...

His 'stuff' was at yours after three weeks? Too soon!
When he collects it, be polite and distant.
And then forget him.

Just cd's and a DVD he'd brought for me to listen to/watch!!

No gf for 20 years! Run a mile. He seems weird going by what you have said!

Did you DTD?

No, nothing like that! He seems a little prudeish. But then hasn't been with anyone since he was 20 (he's 39 now) He hasn't even really fondled me...

That was a very PA thing to say, and it made you sound very immature and seriously needy. Whatever your precious relationships were like that was out if order. I wouldn't accept that in a relationship, either. And only 3 weeks? You sound 12.

Previous, not precious.

Run for the hills! You've had a lucky escape as far as I can see.......

Yeah this with someone for 3 weeks wouldn't even register with me. I wouldn't care.

Sounds way too intense to have been healthy. If possible I think any handover of stuff should not be done in person. Don't try to explain or beg your way back in: he's made his choice, now keep your own dignity.

You sound terribly insecure, though. It's so sad for you that you are still feeling the effects of the ex who undermined you, and feeling self-conscious about things like having your period. What do you think you could do to boost your self-esteem? You deserve to feel good about yourself, you know.

To be fair mymummademelistentoshitmusic he ASKED me why I felt like that, so I answered his question honestly. Without mentioning the previous ex. He doesn't know that part. But thanks for making me feel more shit!

Well saying 'I feel ugly' is attention seeking behaviour. I'm guessing you'd be out out if he didn't ask why. You need to face the truth and either grow up or get help b

You'd be put out. Nails longer than usual and typing on a phone.

3 weeks? Way too invested in him. Let it go!

And don't tell men you are worried they are embarrassed to be seen with you, or you feel ugly. Not 3 weeks in! It's horribly needy. Maybe 3 months in you might start thinking about sharing some of your deep down insecurities and relationship experience but you have jumped the gun big time.

I kind of agree with the posters above.

If a female MNer posted that a man she'd been seeing for 2 weeks had said the same sort of thing she'd be told to run for the hills while wearing knickers made from red flags.

It all sounds far too intense and very immature.

He should have at least asked you to explain why you suddenly felt so vulnerable. As you do have extra vulnerabilities from your horrible ex, someone who runs for the hills at a sign of vulnerability is not a good choice for you.

Just open the door with his stuff in a bag in your hand, say hi nicely, hold it out, say bye nicely and shut the door. Delete his number.

Most relationships take time to develop. It's rare that people really can say " I knew the moment I met him/her" and in 99.9% of cases this is revisionist history so people can believe their story is so special and
romantic.

Compare the following:

If you opened up to someone who loved you after a year of dating and confessed this, you could expect kindness and support from someone who knows you.

If you said exactly the same thing to someone the day you first met them, they would probably think "woah! too vulnerable and needy here and if she's telling me that now, god knows what else is in the closet. I'm outta here". They don't know you and have no motivation to offer you support as there is no real bond.

Those two examples are either end of a scale but you see the point.

It was too early for you to show someone how vulnerable you are. For most people this is a turn off. If they love you and care about you, it won't matter. But love and care only comes with an emotional bond that takes time to develop.

A man who doesn't find this kind of thing disclosed early a turn off is probably an abuser, turned on by emotional vulnerability.

Treat this one as a valuable lesson learned. If you still feel like this, you may want to look into some kind of counseling to improve your self esteem.

PS This:

I did go out with somebody abusive years ago who used to say he was only with me because he felt sorry for me because nobody else would have me, and if we were out together, he'd say, "If we see anyone I know walk behind me and pretend we aren't together" and it's kind of stayed with me a bit, especially as I'm also having a period so extra sensitive!

is horribly abusive and unpleasant. It's really really nasty. Feeling bad because someone spoke to you like that is perfectly normal and not sensitive. If you stayed with a man like that, it is bound to have done a serious number on your self-esteem.

You should also be aware that in telling this story, you are basically stating that your self-esteem was so low that you would put up with that treatment - if you stayed. It is not a good sign.

I remember being told by a friends wise old granny "you should NEVER tell a man how badly another man has treated you, because he'll end up treating you the same way".

It's a bit simplistic but there is some truth in it. For example, if you tell a man how your ex-bf cheated on you, what he hears is "she's the type of woman who will put up with that"

if a bloke I was dating said this, I'd get rid.

Learn from it and move on.

Meet him at the door with his stuff, hand it to him and politely say "Well, I'm sorry 'we' didn't work out. I wish you the best.". Then quietly close the door.

Regardless of your abusive ex or his lack of a gf for 20 years, when someone breaks up with you, especially if it's only been a short relationship, it's best to just accept it and move on. To do otherwise is to risk feeling even worse by 'explaining yourself' or trying to make them change their mind and failing.

If he has second thoughts, he'll call you. Why wouldn't he? You've let him know you are sorry it didn't work and he will have no negative memories of a 'scene'. If not, at least he'll remember you as a person with dignity. And you'll be able to look back and not cringe.

No-one needs the kind of boyfriend who puts them down like your ex did. His treatment of you still affects how you register comments and in this instance, actions. If you at some level thought this guy was judging you, it brought up ancient history.

When this man fetches his stuff, just say sorry about what happened on the bus, it was an old reflex from a bad ex, hope there's no hard feelings, and let it go at that.

Looking ahead, if you worry past hurts and self-esteem issues might influence your way of thinking with new partners, counselling or CBT if you can afford either might be a good idea.