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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I cope with him leaving me

19 replies

applesnbears · 24/10/2014 13:08

Hi all,

I'm new to mumsnet and could really do with some support from anyone who has or is going through a similar situation.

A few days ago my DP of 10 years blindsided me by telling me that he was leaving, that he didn't love me anymore and that our life had become too routine and he didn't want to be so heavily relied upon or responsible anymore that it was making him miserable.

We have been together our whole adult lives as we met when we were 15 and we have a DS who is 3 (this was a planned baby not a surprise).

I don't know how to cope. I love him and don't want him to leave, I have suggested trying everything and all he says is that he doesn't thing anything will help and has made his mind up.

I am trying to accept all this and know I can't exactly hold him here against his will, but I am falling apart.

I just need to know this gets better.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 24/10/2014 13:10

It WILL get better that's one thing I know as sure as I know my own name. Believe that and it will help, because you'll know that each day brings you closer to that time where it doesn't hurt so much.

Have you considered that there may be someone else?

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe · 24/10/2014 13:11

If he's going, he's going. Its likely he has somewhere to go.

Deep breaths. Focus on sorting out a life for you and your child.

You aren't married. Is your accommodation secure?

Instinct will make you want to cling to this man, to get him back. Put that out of your mind and think of your new life. Get real life support, see your gp and ask for counselling.

NickiFury · 24/10/2014 13:12

Sorry posted too soon.

This checking out and refusal to even consider trying to mend the relationship especially where there is a child involved is part of a bigger script sometimes.

applesnbears · 24/10/2014 13:13

I thought at first that yes there may have been someone else given his unwillingness to try and fix us. However, I asked him point blank and he said no and I'm pretty certain he is telling the truth. I guess only time will reveal whether he is being honest.

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 24/10/2014 13:15

Think practically, get yourself booked in for a free half hour consultation with a solicitor, plenty of time to feel sad later. He has made up his mind and you can't change it, if he stayed it wouldn't be because he wanted to so there is no point. There is probably someone else so make sure you start protecting yourself and your child now.

And it will be alright, you won't die and you and your child will be OK.

Just get practical.

BuzzardBird · 24/10/2014 13:17

I feel that if there wasn't someone else he would at least have a go at the options, this has been thought out without your input. You can't trust what he tells you.

NickiFury · 24/10/2014 13:21

There probably is, these fuckers don't seem to realise that not admitting it just makes the whole thing so much worse, there not being a tangible reason why he doesn't want to stay. Their own self image is far more important to them than saving feelings Sad.

Anyway it doesn't really matter right now. The advice I was given and wish with all my heart I had followed was get cold and practical. Look into be benefits and assets and make him leave straight away. No messing about. Show him from the off what life will now be. If you don't do this and they're hanging around, looking for flats, getting things sorted etc then they are gradually disentangling and coming to terms with it at their own pace, getting things nicely and comfortably organised. Why on earth do they get that privilege? You certainly didn't have it when he dropped his bombshell.

Are you working? Is it a mortgage or rented home?

applesnbears · 24/10/2014 13:28

We are not married and he is not trying to take our DS away from me or anything just wants to come and visit him which is fine.

He has moved back into his Dad's.

Our home is rented and the lease is due to be renewed shortly, he has said that he will come and do that with me and continue to pay the same amount towards our home. I realise this probably won't last forever but once DS starts school next year and I don't have to pay childcare my wage would be enough if it had to be.

I am working full time, and my employers have been lovely, I tried to go to work today and the managing partner came to see me and told me to go home until Monday and focus on me, they have set up counselling for me which will start in a couple of weeks and have told me to let them know if I need any financial help. They are amazing!

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 24/10/2014 13:31

How do you cope? Do 2 things:

1. Take care of yourself. Fill your time with things that can engage your mind, so you don't spend all your time mulling on the pain. DIY. Gardening. Hobbies - anything. Get out of the house and see friends. Talk to dear mates, cry to them; they are there for you in this time.

Please please take care of your body, too, as it will help you keep your peace of mind: eat healthy meals, don't skip them, and exercise (it's the best mood-booster).

Make sure that he leaves the house and finds somewhere else to stay, so that you can start building yourself up again without the emotional conflict that having him around would cause.

2. Protect yourself: document yourself on all things financial, and go see a solicitor pronto. Yes, you loved and trusted this man for 10 years, but you need to get a little hard-nosed now, even if you don't yet feel it is necessary. Believe me.

GoatsDoRoam · 24/10/2014 13:33

x-post. I am glad to hear that you have kind employers, and that he has moved out.

lilaloves · 24/10/2014 18:57

Hi,I went through this exact experience 3 months ago,he just left out of the blue,wouldn't/couldn't really give me any real reason why.

He was not willing to attend counselling or even talk it through.Swore there was absolutely no one else at least a dozen times,not only to me but is family too.
Well a month ago I discovered there certainly is someone and she has been around for sometime.
Please try and move forward as best you can,I know its heartbreaking and feels unbearable.
If I had trusted my instinct I would not have held on hoping during those first few months thinking that we might have a second chance.

If he doesn't want to try to fix things,believe what he's telling you.He does not want to be there.

Organise to see a solicitor,enquire into benefits.Have you told family/close friends?

lilaloves · 24/10/2014 19:03

Also be prepared that there might be more bombshells to be dropped along the way,this seems to be a very common.
Not always true,but I don't believe men get up and leave their families for no reason,and in lot of cases there is someone else,whether its just a "friend" or something more,but as you say time will tell.I did a bit of digging/detective work on facebook,twitter etc.Sometimes your gut tell you something isn't right.

WonOnBingo · 24/10/2014 19:24

It happened to me around a year ago. There was no other woman in the end, he just decided he didn't love me anymore and he'd obviously been pretending nothing was wrong while making the decision to just leave. In a way that was harder to understand.

A few reflections which might help you.

The first is that you will naturally look to yourself and wonder what you did wrong, what is wrong with you and all those questions. The answer is that it's not your fault. Not even 1% your fault. If someone is in a long term committed relationship then they have a responsibility to the other person to communicate to them changes in how they feel or what they want. If they can't do that and decide to keep quiet and suddenly leave it's a deficiency in THEM not YOU which causes that behavior. Sometimes a person just falls out of love - but the essence of commitment means they have an obligation to at least talk that through and make some sort of effort to work on it. Even if it doesn't work, at least the other person a) has time to mentally adjust to what is happening, b) gets some understanding as to why it has happened and c) feels like at the end of the day they were worth bothering with and earned the right to be treated like a human being.

So much of your self worth will be tied up in your belief that he loved you, and when that goes and he treats you like nothing it has a massive effect on the self esteem. I think though that when someone treats you like shit it says more about them than it does about you.

When this happens, people around you (friends, family) will act strange towards you. They will be as shocked as you are and they will not believe your story that he "just left" because they think there must be some explanation for it and they will gossip and judge and act like you had a bad relationship. This hurts a lot......try and remember they are just as blindsided as you are and ignore it. The truth will out eventually.

This is one of the most painful, horrendous things anyone can go through. I am just at the point nearly a year later where I don't wish I was dead almost every day and I am quite a strong person I think so to have been that low for so long was suprising. I just never in my wildest dreams ever believed he would behave like that to anyone - much less me, who I thought he adored. It's just traumatic and the grief comes in so many layers, in so many diferrent waves and you feel like you can't survive it but you can and you will.

Slowly you'll start adjusting to life without him, and slowly you'll start detaching emotionally from your planned future with him, and slowly you'll find a place in yourself where you think; "hmm...well maybe i want to be with someone who's committed to me, who behaves better when hard times come and who loves me just as much back".

I am not there yet, but you will feel yourself growing stronger each month and you just have to keep the faith in that. No one's destiny is tied to someone who leaves them. I read that somewhere and I believe that is true.

RyanGoslingsSecretWife · 24/10/2014 19:25

18 months on from you. Yes it gets better. Believe me!

applesnbears · 25/10/2014 13:32

Thank you for all your advice it means a lot x

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 25/10/2014 16:17

How are you feeling today apples?

whyMe2014 · 26/10/2014 00:25

Unfortunately my husband left me in August and swore blind there was no one else and then I found out about the OW in Sept.

He never admitted the affair to my face He's now moved two hours away from me and his two children to be with the OW.

We get by one day at a time.

In your case I hope there isn't an OW but unfortunately they seem to follow a pattern.

Initially I hoped and pleaded with him to give our family a chance but he had already decided his future and sealed our fate.

Some days I'm heart broken and others I'm consumed with anger.

Take support from others on mumsnet as I have and see there must be a better life out there.

BuzzardBird · 26/10/2014 17:13

Thanks whyme sorry this is happening to you.

angela123q · 26/10/2014 21:40

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