Was my childhood abusive?

[HardDaysNight]

I'm not sure whether my childhood qualifies as abusive or not. I know it wasn't great, but then I don't really have a point of comparison. I don't have very many childhood memories but I do remember the following. My mother was very emotionally unstable and out of control and used to hit us (my siblings and I) for all sorts of reasons. By hitting, I mean slapping across the face, arms or legs such that it would leave a stinging red mark, or occasionally grabbing us by the nose (I think - that's a vague memory). She never used implements to hit us. She used to scream 'I'm coming to get you' and chase us around the house. I remember feeling fear. What really troubles me (I think) is that the hitting wasn't an obvious response to something naughty we'd done but was clearly about her emotional state: eg. I remember tripping over and her hitting me for that (presumably because she was upset that I had tripped). I also remember her hitting my sibling because she was cross with my father (I remember a specific incident where she said as much). The hitting only stopped once I became old enough to verbally retort to her 'oh well go on then hit us if it makes you feel better' (about age 11 or 12 I think).

She also never offered emotional support really, I was always on my own and never felt I could tell her anything that troubled me as I would be more worried about the effect it would have on her and that persisted through teenage years and into adulthood. Everything was always about her - eg. on my 10th or 11th birthday I remember having an upsetting row with her as she wanted me to wear a particular outfit and I didn't want to.

My father was not around that much (worked long hours during the week). He never hurt us but never really engaged with us too much either (not emotionally anyway). He had a very short fuse in terms of temper but didn't hurt us physically or emotionally really, was just emotionally quite absent and no support to my mother (I can see with retrospect).

My parents also used to argue between themselves viciously and constantly. I remember being very upset by it. When I was about 10 or 11 or maybe 12 my father told me he thought my mother was having a nervous breakdown so I would have to help out. I'm not sure whether she did or not; she was never hospitalised or anything.

As a counterpoint to all of this, we were privileged in many ways and never materially neglected. We were sent to private schools (parents couldn't really afford this so no money for anything else), had lots of friends and my parents were outwardly functioning (both had reasonably responsible jobs). I now have a good marriage and have been reasonably successful (whatever that means) as far as academics and jobs are concerned.

Now I'm a parent myself and I feel the spectre of my childhood inside me a lot, and I'm struggling to make sense of it all. I would be grateful for any thoughts on how bad it was! Sorry it's so long.

I would say that yes, this was emotional and physical abuse. You were being abused for something that was beyond your control. You were a victim (I know that's an annoying and overused word, but it is the right one.)

That's not to say that your mother hadn't been through her own trauma (and perhaps abuse.) Unfortunately these things have a habit of repeating themselves, as you know. However, I think that these days we are so much more aware of trauma when it comes up and even being aware of it we are able to deal with it in some way.

In our parents' day, and their parents' before them, trauma and dysfunction was not widely talked about so there was a lot more repression.

My therapist had a useful attitude to the loaded label of abuse. She said to just ask myself, 'Would I do that to my own children?'

There are different kinds of abuse. There are different effects of abuse. Naming it does matter, but you matter more.

If you call your childhood abusive, does that help you to come to terms with the fact that, whatever you call it, it wasn't okay for you?

My childhood was very similar to yours and only recently have I come to realise it was indeed abusive. It helps to know that.

Mine was a bit the same....have two older brothers....my mum used to chase us with a plastic pie slicer and whack us....can remember her giving me a good slap across the head on a few occasions....

We have tentatively talked about the fact she used to hit us. she denies she ever did....

I think go see your gp and get a referral to talk it through as these are major issues and if you feel it you should discuss it

Thanks for all your replies. I have thought a lot about it in the last couple of years and veer between 'oh, it wasn't that bad' and 'actually it was really rubbish and I have missed out on what it means to have a mother'. As you say, abuse is a loaded term but actually when I typed it all out (first time I have written it down), I found myself feeling quite shocked at it. I would be horrified if I acted like that with my children - in fact my primary goal as a parent is NOT to be like my mother.

The reason I'm posting this is because sometimes I feel her rising up inside me when I lose my temper with my 3 year old (my other child is only 1, I don't lose my temper with her). I don't hit but sometimes I feel like I want to which really scares me. I definitely need to seek counselling I think but am afraid of going to GP - I don't feel I can say that I'm scared I'm going to hit my child :-(

My primary goal is the same as yours it's horrible isn't it....

Yes, I can relate too- esp to the distant dad and unstable mum thing. Though in better times my mum could be warm and supportive. But there were periods when being a child in my house was scary and difficult. Low level physical punishment from both parents but often erratic and not clearly linked to wrongdoing. Also tendency to scapegoat one child whilst treating the other as a golden child. But some of the time I know they meant well and just couldn't cope with their own stresses and shit. my mum did have a period of hospitalization for mental illness and that sent a lot of shockwaves through the family. hard to say whether it was abuse as such. I think itsjustaphase's therapist's approach sounds like a good one.

I think you would be very sensible to go the the GP and explain that issues from your childhood are raising their ugly head in your relationship with your child and you think you need some help dealing with difficult emotions. You don't have to go into it, but say you'd rather discuss it with a psychologist under the Improved Access to Psychological Therapies initiative, which might operate in your area (you can prob Google it).

It is understandable that you sometimes think it wasn't that bad. Compared to some situations, maybe that is true.

But the key is to remember that this is not about anyone else. You have to deal with the inadequacies of your parents, and the effect it has had on YOU as you try to be a good parent yourself.

in fact my primary goal as a parent is NOT to be like my mother

Mine is the same. I think the point when I realised this was also the point when I realised that my mother was abusive. I have smacked my child once (she is 8). She was genuinely being deliberately difficult in a very inappropriate situation. I was absolutely horrified by myself, apologised profusely to her and explained why I felt like that (the hitting and the sorry), and have never done it again (this was about four years ago). That's not to say that I haven't felt like hitting her on other occasions before or since but I think not acting on those impulses is the important part. If you've been taught to behave like that by your mother, it's going to be hard not to do it. But not doing it is the important bit. Keep on not doing it. You are doing OK, I think.

If it helps at all, my wonderful therapist also said that she sees a lot of pain and confusion from children whose parents 'weren't that bad' and seemed quite respectable in many ways. The sense of 'What WAS that?' makes it hard to deal with.

Does your 3 yo go to a nursery or Surestart centre activities? I've found that talking to people there is a good way to get help with parenting under the pressure of what you've described. They might know of parenting courses or counseling aimed at dealing with your own baggage in parenting, which can feel more to the point (and safe) than asking your GP for help for yourself.

Yes Harddaysnight, your childhood was abusive.

For many of us having our own children is the point at which we have to stop hiding from that and it sounds like that's what has happened with you.

Do go to a counsellor, it won't do any harm and it may do a lot of good. My main concern, like your's, was to break the cycle and not behave like my parents. I don't think I'd have been able to do that as well, without the help of intermittent bouts of counselling and for me personally, CBT really helped.

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences and 'listening' to mine. I feel like I'm having a sort of sick realisation that it was abusive.

ItIsntJustAPhase that's very interesting about what your therapist said - part of me doesn't want to say to myself that it was abuse because what does that make me? I feel sort of tainted by it. All I really want to be is normal but if it was abusive then I can't be. I can remember as a child yearning for normal/stability and to be part of the sort of nice families you read about in books/saw on tv (I know in reality there are no perfect families but I can remember wishing I had a different Mum, eg. friends mums who seemed nice). Did anyone else feel like that?

And how do the good bits of my childhood fit into my view of it - eg. the fun I had with friends/cousins.

So difficult to make sense of it.

How about looking at it that you not only survived it, but thrived. Many don't.

I'm not denying or minimising it, but it wasn't everything. Yes, parts of it were abusive (and you have to come to terms with that) but it wasn't everything. A huge percentage of the population were exposed to varying levels of abuse as children, you are far from alone. You don't have to be defined by it. The fact that you have gone on to forge a good and functioning marriage - as well as achieve a level of professional success - suggests you somehow, in the mix, got just enough of the good stuff.

I do like the sound of your therapist, itisntjustaphase.

If you don't want to go via GP you can also self refer to the improved access to therapies service in most areas, harddaysnight. Or find a private therapist if money isn't too much of an issue.

I think your selfawareness will probably be enough on its own to prevent you hitting out at your children, no matter how annoying they are and how angry that makes you. I've somehow managed not to hit my lovely but incredibly annoying 15 year olds so far or my little 5 year old who can push my buttons with the best of them. But I do think therapy may help with coming to terms with it all. I've started some for a different reason fairly recently and have been really astonished at what it often throws up in terms of childhood issues that warrant examination.