First off, a lot of abusers never (or rarely) raise their hands. They don't need to.
As you do more reading you'll learn that abusers can hone in on somebody who has boundary issues. Having come from a previous relationship that was abusive, your defences were down. A normal, decent guy would have respected your boundaries, an abuser pushes right through.
So (to answer your question) You won't always pick men like this. It's possible you hadn't picked this one, either - he may have targetted you.
Right, I want now to say something about depression. It can affect a lot of things, but much of what I'm reading above has nothing to do with it. Many depressives can manage to live their lives without ruining others'. I'm leaning more and more in the direction of "abuse dressed up as depression".
Time to do some hard talking. Try to separate support for his depression from accepting unacceptable behaviour. Try to take back control over your own life, and that of your children.
The Lundy Bancroft book will certainly help, but whilst you're waiting for it, do some online reading as well.