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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

work crush - HELP!

18 replies

aaannnooonnn · 02/10/2006 13:22

I have had to change me name for this one as I'm so ashamed of myself...here goes...
I have a crush on this guy at work, I'm married with 2 children and has a girlfriend, basically, I do love my DH but life has become an endless routine and we don't have fun anymore, I developed this crush and now I'm trying to break the news that DH can't come to the christmas party and hoping the other guy won't bring his girlfriend, I work in the hotel trade so I'm hoping that its an overnight stay thing, funny thing is I just want a bit of fun with him, I want to stay with my DH but just want something outside that takes my mind off things at home, has anyone else felt like this? I know its the start of a bad thing, I just really like him and think he likes me too. I just feel so guilty for my kids. Any suggestions on how to get over this? Or past experiences to put me off!

OP posts:

BudaBeast · 02/10/2006 13:25

I don't think you need anyone's past experience to put your off. the fact that you are married with 2 children should be enough to do that!

Having said that - I understand what having a crush is like. However my advice would be just enjoy the crush for what it is - your secret. BUT DON'T ACT ON IT.

joelallie · 02/10/2006 13:53

Enjoy yourself, but don't do anything that you could regret later. I've been there - partners were never invited to company parties so that wasn't an issue. We shared nothing more serious than some hand-holding, a looong walk, a long talk and some saliva . I ended up leaving that company and he was one of the reason. It was fun but you need to know when to stop and walk away. If you think you can do that it's fine. Otherwise stop now.

joelallie · 02/10/2006 13:54

Just to add that I didn't have kids then. I think it would have made a difference but can't be sure.

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 02/10/2006 13:57

I suppose you should ask yourself how you would feel if your dh was posting this on an equivelent site?

Iklboo · 02/10/2006 13:58

If you can - enjoy the crush, use him as a masturbation/having sex with DH fantasy but don't act on it. You might just be an ego boost to him and end up getting hurt in tyhe long run.

wartywarthog · 02/10/2006 14:04

i think you should enjoy the crush - in your head. don't make it a reality.

fifiandtheflowertots · 02/10/2006 14:25

ive also been here...stay well away, especially as you have kids.
I was with my exdp and had a huge crush on a bloke from work, which did go much further than that.
All i can say is keep it as a crush and dont do something that you might regret and that could break up your family..its not worth it

bubblerock · 02/10/2006 14:37

Agree with just keeping it as a fantasy and if there is real chemistry between you then avoid situations such as the Christmas party like the plague - you know it's going to be dangerous so either don't go or take a friend along.

There's bound to be times during marriage when you feel a connection/attraction with someone, that's not a reason to feel guilty - it's what you do/don't do that makes the difference.

Hope you manage to get through this unscathed!

expatinscotland · 02/10/2006 14:46

I would fantasise, fantasise, fantasise. Even whilst having sex w/your parnter.

And leave it at that.

By all means, fall in love w/a stranger, even. Just don't go and ruin it by actually meeting him.

adozenroses · 02/10/2006 14:53

I can understand having a crush can give you the feeling of excitement, but I think it is awful that you are planning what you can get up to at your christmas party.

I think something just happening by accident is bad enough, but you are actually planning for something to happen.

You say you want to stay with your dh...well how would you feel if he slept with someone else 'just to take his mind off things at home.'

If you have genuine problems at home deal with them first. The answer is never an affair. Think of your children.

arsenelupin · 02/10/2006 20:44

I'd agree with the other posters, you're doing nothing wrong as long as it's all in your head - are you SURE you'd act on it at the party? With all your colleagues watching, and gossiping afterwards? Also he may not be interested in anything beyond a flirtation himself - the old 'she was gagging for it, but I told her I'm with someone' boast.

IdrisTheDragon · 02/10/2006 20:47

If you want a tale of past experiences to put you off, I can do that.

Enjoy your crush and keep it at that.

me23 · 02/10/2006 20:50

Agree with the other posters especially adozenroses, Don't go there! you will potentially ruin everything, if things have gone stale with your dh talk to him, try to spice things up then at least you can tell yourself you tried to make it work.

If something did happen with this guy, do you think you woukld feel fine about it? wouldn't you feel terribly guilty? because if not then something is wrong here.

Do you still want to be with your dh? do you still love him? if you do then stay away from this 'crush'

WideWebWitch · 02/10/2006 20:52

God, it's so BLINDINGLY Obvious that you shouldn't do it. put your energy into your dh, and don't be so silly woman.

IdrisTheDragon · 03/10/2006 00:24

Been thinking about this as it is a subject sadly close to my heart.

Really really don't do it.

Don't plan anything. Let your crush be that - crushes are fun to have. Actually doing something about it is a bit fun at the time and then it quickly becomes sordid and you feel awful all the time.

And lose the friendship you had.

Please don't do it.

kama · 03/10/2006 00:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

confusedmum2one · 03/10/2006 12:25

Sorry for jumping in but I'm just curious to ask a question a question - to all of you who've said "fantasise about him whilst you're having sex with DH" etc - is this ok? I was really upset finding out that DH fantasised about other women whilst making love to me but is this the norm? Perhaps I'm just a freak that I've never done this?

You're actually really helping me because I've been really upset about it and taking it really personally but is this one of those things that needs to be done to keep a marriage on track as one of the people might get crushes etc? I certainly know I'd rather DH think of anothe woman than actually going and sha**ing her!

Anoon - definately steer clear of any situation with this guy where you could get yourself into trouble. Imagine if this was your DH , how hurt would you feel that he's recognising it would be dangerous to spend more time with this guy, especially alone, and then deciding whether to or not.

Hope you are ok

arsenelupin · 03/10/2006 13:17

Personally I think it's better not to tell your partner about any fantasies - as others said, you're doing nothing wrong if it stays in your head. Sorry your DH told you that . I'd never tell my DH as it's nothing to do with how I feel about him - I fancy him, it's just hard to get excited after discussing the day!

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