I have become my mother! Help!

[grumpasaur]

Oh gosh- I was having a go at DH today over the phone about cleaning, and had a moment of sad realisation that I am more like my mother than I think.

Basically- I got myself all worked up this morning because the house wasn't clean enough to meet my high standards- and I know they are high, so that isn't an issue to debate here.

Then DH called and he got a heap of anger thrown at him because this and that wasn't done, there was crap everywhere (there really wasn't), etc. He was really sweet with me and said that it would help him if I made a list for him of what I see day to day that he doesn't- and he would try harder to address those things. From previous behaviour I believe him.

Then he gently suggested that whilst he is happy to try harder- he is worried that I am starting to obsess a bit too much over having a show home rather than a home we love and live in.

This hit a nerve. My mom was the same way and I never want to make my husband (or future children) feel the way we felt when we were younger- like we weren't allowed to exist in our own home.

I have noticed a few other mom traits creeping in- anxiety over silly things, criticising my husband over silly things, and not being able to lighten up.

Does anyone have any insights or tips which might help me remember that people are fundamentally flawed and that they don't need to be reminded of such at every turn, that the world isn't going to end if something isn't done perfectly or if I make a mistake, and that it's okay to live in a relatively messier house?

I don't want to live like this.

Also- I watched my dad be devoted to my mom for years (he still is), and always wondered why she was so mean to him in return. My DH is also just the loveliest man who, for lack of a better word, adores me and is so loyal to me and gentle with me, etc. I am no where near 'mom levels' yet, but don't want to get there!!

Realising that you do behave like your mother in some ways is the first step to changing this. I copy some of my mother's behaviours unwittingly and I hate it. She's a miserable, narcissistic, hyper critical cow and I do not want to end up like her.

I find it useful to ask myself - why am I feeling anxious about this? Why does that thing that DP does annoy me so much? And asking myself - is this me or is it her? If it's her (something you learned from your mother), you can recognise it as such and choose to let it go. If its you (something you are genuinely annoyed about, which is allowed!), then you can deal with it in your own way. You are a separate person from your mother- I find it helps to remember that. You are not doomed to repeat her mistakes.

"Does anyone have any insights or tips...."

I think it's a combination of hearing yourself and regulating yourself on the one hand and giving others permission to pull you up and tell you that you're being a PITA on the other.... obviously without coming to any harm. :)

I'm not the person to ask about clean houses but I have a tendency to get pretty tetchy when stressed or in a flap and can't always feel when it happens. DS has way of saying 'you look like you need a cup of tea' ... that tells me I need to calm down.

Your DH sounds very reasonable.

Lotta that is really a helpful response. I have been a bit worried lately as I have noticed a cyclical / hormonal pattern to when the anxiety tends to get worse, which worries me as my mom ended up considering suicide and then having to have a hysterectomy as they linked up her depression to her monthly cycle.

However- I am a lot more aware than she was at my age, I am better off financially and I don't have two young children to content with, and (despite her flaws when we were younger), I have a supportive mother who has calmed down a bit and wants to support me when and if I need it.

Right- I think you are right. I do well with little mottos and such to repeat to myself, so I will write those questions you mention down, and start from there. I am lucky that I am quite self analytical and aware, but, that tends to lead to elevated levels of self criticism... Which is where I think some of this stems from.

So will add to your questions something about self compassion and patience!!

Cog- ha ha yes, I can absolutely connect with what you say! I tend to stress and flap about and get myself all wound up, do what I think needs to be done (or worry myself calm), and then look back and say "gosh that was silly". What I guess I want to achieve is to be able to (sometimes) recognise the silliness before the flap, and behave accordingly.

My husband is definitely very reasonable; I am very lucky and I want to change for him (almost!) as much as I want to change for myself.

I see so many women who are bitter, angry, and miserable. Despite my (intended to be ironic) username, I am generally pretty affable and fun to be around, and I don't want the shitty things I have dealt with in the past (and the general stresses of adult life) to take away my spark.

'I am lucky that I am quite self analytical and aware, but, that tends to lead to elevated levels of self criticism'

Very true. So remember to balance the criticism of yourself with praise too. This is something I have worked on a lot in psychotherapy. Notice when you do nice things or make good decisions and praise yourself for them. It could be something as simple as remembering to take an umbrella on a rainy day. Actually say to yourself 'you remembered your umbrella, well done', obviously using whichever words feel most natural to you! And keep doing it... 'you made sure you got an early night last night, good idea', or 'you helped Fred out with that computer issue, that was a good thing to do'. It might feel a bit barking to start with but over time, your inner voice becomes less critical and more supportive. And then when you do need to give yourself a bit of (constructive) criticism, it doesn't sting nearly so much because its balanced out by all the positive stuff you have been feeding yourself. It really works but like any skill, takes practice!

Also, cog, the cup of tea thing reminds me of how the nickname grumpasaurus came about. My DH used to find that if he could catch me on the way up to a big flap, he could sometimes calm the situation by making thumping noises, and saying "what's that I hear? Sounds like princess stampyfoot riding into town on her grumpasaurus".

Usually he was able to use it judiciously and only when I was stressing unnecessarily... But a few times I was stressing legitimately and boy did that backfire!

Lotta- I like that. Years ago a therapist told me to write a list of five things I was proud of myself for that day before I went to sleep every night. I will start doing that again now I think- feels a bit like I could benefit from it at the moment!

So you have to work out between you how to distinguish between legitimate grumps and petulant foot-stamping. Work it though between you in the cold light of day (when emotions are not high), rehearse responses even, make a few mistakes, learn for next time.... The advantage you have is that he seems tolerant and you don't want to be unreasonable. So you have a common goal... unlike your mother, I suspect.

That's a nice idea too!

www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X

I have found this book very helpful, and pretty cheap compared with mindfulness courses. Initially I thought it was all a bit silly but my anxiety and tendency to kick off have gone down a lot since doing 10 min day and this definitely improves your relationship if you are someone who sometimes can't see the wood for the trees.

If I was to write here saying I threw heaps of anger towards her, I criticise my DW over silly things and im generally a grumpy cow.

No doubt the response from posters would I'm being an emotionally abusive twat.

Basically the reply from your DH is make a list and he'll try to improve to meet your unreasonable high standards even though he hadn't done anything wrong in the first place.

That response from him is child like and he seems to be walking on egg shells.