Abusive brother (a bit longish)

[missmartha]

my brother is 46 and is like a time bomb.

He is outwardly charming, very good looking and has a good professional job with a nationally known company.

He is unable to sustain a relationship with a woman for longer than about two years though he has no problem whatever in attracting them.

The other side of him is horrible, he has the most dreadful temper and is extremely emotionally abusive. Most of the abuse is directed at my mum and dad and me. Our parents are in their late 60s and lovely, they are supportive and loving, bright intelligent and kind, they don’t deserve to be the butt of his rages.

He was late, by over an hour for a coffee with friends last weekend and although my parents and my DH and I met and had a good chat they couldn’t wait any longer. He was over an hour late.

Of course, when my brother arrived, we met on the street and thought nothing of it, but he was shouting and yelling and cursing, mostly at my parents. My mum and I went quietly back to her car, my dad looked worried and his girl friend looked utterly shocked and terrified.

The abuse was awful.

He screamed at his girl friend to ‘get in the car’ twice, I felt sorry for her.

Later that day the GF texted my younger brother’s wife tasking for help but on no account to let my other brother know. My younger brother did ring, but it was difficult for him to steer the conversation in the right direction without dropping the GF in it.

No one has heard from them since then.

This behaviour is not untypical, but it comes in fits and starts, it appears to have started again and I want to do something , if only for my parents who get the brunt of this.

What can I do?

I don't know, but it seems at the moment that you and your mum and dad are quietly condoning the behaviour by saying nothing. I would suggest a united front, and saying that you refuse to socialise with him if he is going to be abusive. Nobody deserves to be the butt of his moods, but he's "getting away with it" at the moment because nobody says anything.

It doesn't look like your parents took the brunt of that incident to me.

Do not let anybody treat you the way your brother does- including him. Take a firm stand and the next time he starts just say 'I don't deserve to be talked down like this' or 'please stop being so rude', 'are you aware of how abusive you are being'. Something along these lines.

Just repeat it. By letting it happen you are allowing it to continue. He is no doubt being abusive to his girlfriend who will probably be a shell of her former self once her two years are up!

OP please reach out to his girlfriend. You got to leave with your parents. She went home with him.

We haven't attempted to contact him at all. He rang my other brother and told him that mum had 'gone off on one', something she doesn't ever do btw.

My mum has accepted his apologies in the past because she's hoped he would change, and sometimes a year will go by and he can be as good as gold. Mum and dad always say 'he's our son and underneath it all we love him'. I've got kids, I can sort of understand that.

This time though I think we've all had enough. I feel a little worried about his girl friend, she's an independent woman and strong, but I'm still concerned for her. I don't think he would hit her, but the verbal abuse knows no boundaries.

I agree that your parents are not your prime concern here. His girlfriend - and presumably previous girlfriends - have all be subjected to this behaviour. Probably worse behind closed doors if this is how he feels it's appropriate to behave in public. If she's texting people for help she's clearly struggling. She may need police involvement.

He sounds very much like my brother.

I walked out of the restaurant the last time he verbally abused me in public in front of my children. I haven't been in touch with him since and don't intend to be.

He's unpleasant and an abusive bully. I don't like him.

Is NC an option for you?

I would love to reach out to his girl friend, I wonder if my SiL, who she texted, would try? She probably would be afraid to speak with me, as I know from past girl friends of his, he tells them to steer clear of his family.

There is no point even attempting to talk to him when he is in a mood like this, he doesn't listen, he screams you down. The best thing you can do is walk away without saying anything.

Yes, her two years are up, my DH and I have had that conversation. What can be wrong with him?

NC won't help the poor girlfriend. If he screams at people in the street when there are others watching, it is NOT safe to assume he's non-violent at home. Quite the opposite.

She's texting for help and she's frightened of the OP's brother

For goodness' sake, just contact her! Stop worrying about him and start worrying about her.

Can't you and your sister-in-law ask her to meet up for a coffee?

"What can be wrong with him?"

He's an abusive man. Bullying, controlling and probably with psychopathic tendencies. He probably won't change behaviour until he's forced to. Has he ever been arrested for DV? Lost a job because of aggressive behaviour? I think it's time the family stopped thinking about him as a time bomb and got more realistic i.e he's a criminal and a tragedy waiting to happen

I have contacted my SiL, she's going to get in touch. She said that the GF was blaming herself and that they've been arguing at home a lot QWe talked about how to tell her (because we could just say that he's historically abusive and she wouldn't believe it), that she's best out of it.

SiL thinks that ringing for a chat first would be the way to go, but we agreed that the relationship is not safe. That she is blaming herself is horrible.

He has never been arrested for anything and as far as I know has never been physically violent. He screams abuse, vile stuff. My mother was talking about my grandfather's health recently when he suddenly, from nowhere (she had disagreed with him on something) started to scream "you fucking bitch....." over and over until mum silently left the room, as I did.

He is a professional man, with a high profile job in a well known company. I know that what I'e written has made him sound like a street fighting yob, that is not the way he comes across.
This has reached the end now.

OP I think you've taken an important step to deal with this head on. I think the most important thing is to keep everyone safe.

A few thoughts that occur to me reading your post at 13:42.

If you're worried about trying to convince her that her boyfriend has been abusive in the past, then don't try. By the sounds of things she will have gathered this for herself. Believe her and let her know that you would help her and not betray her confidence to him.

Secondly, he doesn't sound like a "yob". He sounds unhinged. But, as you say, he manages to control himself at work, doesn't he?

Silently putting up with his aggression hasn't worked. You need to try the broken record technique, "It's not ok to talk to me like that" and if he continues you walk away immediately. Not after 3 minutes of more abuse.

Oh. My. God. Sorry to sound like Janice there but your brother is not only abusive but mad.

I'm sorry but I think he must be insane to behave like this.

Has nobody ever stood up to him, looked him in the eye and said, "You're a nutter. Just fuck off?"

I would go no contact with him.

Or next time he goes off like that, I would call the police.

Your poor parents. His poor girlfriend.

It's time you all stood together and told him to eff off to the far side of eff.

Literally.

He sounds vile. Even more so because he chooses to inflict this only on those who love him.

" I know that what I'e written has made him sound like a street fighting yob, that is not the way he comes across. "

A lesson I learned early on in life is that abuse/violence/neglect/etc does not observe social boundaries or appearances. A man in a suit with a well paid job is as capable of being a worse bully than some heavily tattooed skinhead in an overall. Your brother is dangerous precisely because others keep giving him the benefit of the doubt and he has therefore never been made to answer for his behaviour. I don't know what field this high profile job is in but a lot of psychopaths do very well in business... their complete disregard for the feelings of others can be an asset.

His girlfriend needs some kind of intervention.

Could you have a family conference excluding him and take along information on verbally abusive personalities, narcissistic personality disorder etc and make your parents see this behaviour is outside the norm?

If they accept this they may have the strength to tell him not to see them if he behaves like this. For you I would tell him to piss off completely. Ask SIL to chat to the gf but very very carefully, and emphasise the gf should not confront him re the behaviour or say where her source was. She should try to detach herself enough just to observe it and if it fits with what you say, to walk away.

Bloody hell! No one, absolutely no one would speak to my Mum like that in front of me. Sod quietly leaving the room. You all need to stand up to him and tell him his behaviour is not acceptable. Tell him to leave the room. Tell him to leave the house. Tell him to leave the family until he can behave like a civilised human being.

Thanks so much for this support. These are feelings and fears I've had about him, being unhinged and cruel. He does only direct his vitriol towards people who care about him.

I am happy to get him out of our lives, I know mum and dad will on most levels too. They are certainly not about to let him back into their lives any time soon.

Seeing your (truthful) comments in print is quite frightening, but helpful none the less. Thanks.

< Tell him to leave the room. Tell him to leave the house.>

Easy to say. I have tried this in the past. He laughs, he is 6'4", I am 5'3", he flicked me in the face. it's best to walk away. It feels safer too.

I don't know anyone like this and I know my parents wonder what they might have done to cause this.

He sounds a lot like my brother too. Verbally abusive, bullying, frightening people, ordering his girlfriend around. I have pretty much cut contact with mine since he roared in my face that I was an effing c-word round the dinner table a few years ago.

Your parents are most definitely enabling this behaviour by saying nothing. However, he is a grown adult who chooses to behave this way. He's highly unlikely to change. You don't have to put up with it though for the sake of 'happy families'. And his poor girlfriend sounds terrified of him and now she's reaching out for help. Contact her and arrange to meet her secretly. Help her to get away from him. I wish I could do the same for my brother's girlfriend.

The next time he goes off in a rage like that consider calling the police.

For all you know, a passer-by might do so the next time it happens in public.

Contact her and arrange to meet her secretly. Help her to get away from him.

She may not want to. It's important to let her know that she has support if she asks for it. I think it's probably most important to her that people will believe her when she describes what goes on behind closed doors.

That's true Vivacia, she may not be ready to. However, it sounds like you care about her OP and letting her know that she can talk to you and you will believe her would be a huge support to her.

He flicked you in the face? He sounds absolutely horrible. Where is your husband and your Dad and your other brother when he is being physically intimidating like this? Does he just wait until they are not around?