How long should you keep trying?

[ampersandand]

Sorry if this post is long.

I've been with my partner for nearly 3 years, we moved in together fairly quickly and I became pregnant after 6 months whilst on the pill, unfortunately that ended in a miscarriage. We were both very upset about the miscarriage and I feel it triggered something in me that made me desperate to fall pregnant again. It took over a year to conceive and we've now got a beautiful 2 month old son.

We often used to talk about marriage and our life together growing old with a couple of children, I genuinely believed we were solid.

However things have changed, not just since having our son, but during pregnancy too.

Halfway through the pregnancy I became repulsed by his affection and could not stand his breath and unfortunately this has not changed.

I don't want him to be near me and after we kiss when he leaves for work I cannot stand the smell of his saliva lingering on my lips. This lack of affection has caused many arguments and we have grown apart a lot.

I almost resent him and I certaibly don't feel like being intimate with him when he puts me down about not wanting to. He's well aware that as I'm breastfeeding I have a very low libido right now and getting 'touched out' from having someone on me all the time. The last thing I want is another person smothering me with unwanted advances. Especially with bad breath.

To add to it, he is very messy around the house and I'm constantly picking up after him.

Although he is good with our son, he doesn't hold back from arguing when he is in his arms, I've walked out the room on many occassions when he's tried to argue like this.

There is a lot of bitterness between us and we are constantly telling each other we will try and be better and stop arguing with each other.

The arguments may I add are over very stupid things. Who washes up the most, why did you look at me like that, I think this person from the apprentice is going to be fired.

I'm honestly so fed up, I guess I just needed to get some of it off my chest.

I feel so low and now feeling guilty and selfish about bringing a child into all of this.

Has anyone else had a similar experience and where are they now? Did it get better? what can I do to make this better? Do i leave now before it gets worse? My parents think I need to stick it out as no relationship is perfect, my friend on the other hand feels I need to leave.

Do you think the relationship would have finished already if you didn't have a baby? Do you think it would have finished earlier if you hadn't been so desperate to conceive? Have you told him he has bad breath and is he doing anything about it?

When you don't like someone, everything they do is irritating. No relationship is perfect because people aren't perfect but sometimes if the incompatibilities are too great and there's no compromise, it's just a rotten waste of time. Unless everyone's honest about what's going on and is committed to making changes all you end up with is a lot of resentment. 'Stick it out' is not a recipe for happiness.

It's really hard to say. Having a young baby is a huge stress point in a relationship, and I would urge you not to make any decisions right now, partly because you don't need the stress.

What you do need to do is sit down with your DP and say that this fighting has to stop. You are now responsible for another life and petty arguments about nothing are just not on. You can decide later on, when the tiredness and stress of a newborn has passed, whether the relationship can survive, but for the time being you both need to be parents and put your child's needs first.

No I don't think it would have ended if we hadn't conceived/had baby.

I think he's struggling with the responsibility. He loves being a dad but doesn't like the hard work that comes with it and the change in our relationship.

I haven't told him about his breath because I don't want to cause another argument (he doesn't take criticism on any level well) but yes I should address it.

We've only just recently had another long chat about our relationship and I thought we had a breakthrough. It lasted all of 2 days.

We don't seem to be compatible anymore or enjoy each others company.

The longer it goes on and the more I try the more I want to give up when it fails.

The halitosis seemed to be a big factor in your original list of problems. Book the whole family in for a dental check up perhaps? When low level physical intimacy goes by the way side it's really difficult to wrestle anything back

I might have said you were incompatible but because you have a newborn that throws new light on things! Unfortunately having a baby can be like throwing a bomb into your relationship. The biggest factors can be tiredness, adjusting to the huge responsibility and adapting your life to accommodate that responsibility.

The other factor is sex, new mums are often tired and have a thousand things to do, this means sex is the last thing they think about let alone want! So men can take a little while adapting to all these things.

The times where he is grating on you, try to rationalise that within yourself as it made for unpleasant reading! Have you told him that your sex life needs to go on the back burner for a while, can he self service for now and that affection is ok asking as there are no sexual advances.

Re his breath, I would buy some of those things that clean between your teeth. Do your own and hand him one, say you saw an ad about gum disease. Similarly buy a bottle of Listerine (sic) and pop it in the bathroom.

And tell him that arguments need to be way from the baby. They're like sponges at this age and it's all going into his little mind/brain so only niceness!

Also tell him that for the first six months your relationship will need to go on the back burner just while you both focus on your new role, don't put pressure on yourselves to keep things the way they were pre baby. Because things are different now, they always will be!